posted
All of her life Jenny had been afraid of everything. Not that it had been a long life. But for those agonizing thirteen years it had been hell. When she was caught in the headlights of the truck she thought she might finally find release. Even then she had been afraid. Afraid to live, afraid to die, afraid to move on. She remembered leaving her body. She was terrified, she didn't know whether to go back or move on. But then it was too late. The body died and the white light went out. Jenny was stuck. She was stuck in the life she had always feared, and now stuck forever.
She tried to back and visit her family. Her parents couldn't see or hear her now, and she was afraid of her brother. So she went to her room and slept. Or tried to sleep. There was no
Matt
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 02, 2007).]
posted
I have a version of your opening below, which shows that you can cut a lot.
Some points are unclear to me. I *think* she's stuck on earth as a spirit. I don't know why she's afraid of her brother, and that's interesting -- can he see her? Why is he scary? She tries to sleep -- do spirits sleep? Can she get under the covers? Can she see in the dark?
But more importantly, what you have here is summary. That's fine for skipping the details of the boring parts, but getting hit by a truck isn't boring -- finding you're a spirit that can't rest isn't boring -- being afraid of your brother, despite being *dead*, is far from boring. Show us what he did to scare her. Show us the scene where she foudn her parents can't see her; the scene when she first went to bed (not "this is what would happen when she went to bed," but "this is what happened right then and there when she went to bed that night"). That's what we'll really enjoy.
-- FOR all of her THIRTEEN YEARS, Jenny had been afraid of everything. When she was caught in the headlights of the truck she thought she might finally find release.
She remembered leaving her body. She was terrified, she didn't know whether to go back or move on. But then it was too late. The body died and the white light went out.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 02, 2007).]
posted
I think the concept is good, but I didn't find the language itself very enjoyable. It's a little choppy, and I'm not sure where it's going. You've given a lot of summary -- perhaps reasonably so -- but that means that I don't really feel very much for your MC yet.
You get out the fact that she died in an accident very quickly, and I think that's good -- it kept me reading. But ghost stories aren't that uncommon, so you still need to worry about where your story starts and the reader still needs to be hooked on this particular ghost's problem (more than the fact that she's a ghost).
So maybe you keep your first paragraph, but cut some of the summary and then show me where she is _now_, at the start of the story, facing some problem that not every ghost would face, or dealing with the particular motivations that make her an individual -- even as a ghost.
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