posted
Hi - I posted a version of these first 13 a few weeks ago and have completed this short story now. Looking for readers -- let me know if you are interested. The best genre I'd stick it in is Dark Fantasy I guess The length is about 5800 words. Thanks!
Scaddro jogged down the muddy path to the lakeshore, a large sack swung over his shoulder as he navigated the smooth, slippery stones. The footing was precarious enough without the added weight of the sack to hinder his balance, but he didn’t slow down. A late morning downpour had delayed his departure and he was afraid there wouldn’t be enough time left in the day to fill his basket and return before darkness bore down. He hurried on to the clearing where his boat was moored, gauging the hours left in the day. It was hard to worry about the darkness now as the sun shone so brightly, but the black hand of the night lurked in every shadow, always waiting to claim the careless and complacent. He knew that being caught at night on the water was easily avoided--just as every wretched soul
quote:Scaddro jogged down the muddy path to the lakeshore, a large sack swung over his shoulder as he navigated the smooth, slippery stones.
I'm a bit confused here. Is he on a muddy path (i.e. dirt path that's wet) or on smooth, slippery stones? You could probably drop the 'smooth' since rough stones are rarely precariously slippery.
quote:The footing was precarious enough without the added weight of the sack to hinder his balance....to fill his basket and return before darkness bore down.
What basket? You've only mentioned a sack before. Is he carrying the basket or is it waiting in the boat? Questions I'd like answered soon are what is the sack for, then, and what is he filling his basket with? In kind of assume he's going out fishing, but he could be going out for crabs or who knows what.
quote:...lakeshore....clearing where his boat was moored...
Okay, so this lake is in the middle of a forest? I'm visualizing a rather small and secluded lake now whereas at the beginning I was assuming it was a larger lake that everyone in his village used. This interpretation of 'clearing' may just be mine.
Other than the nit-picks, it sounds mildly interesting to me. If I knew that his staying out on the lake after darkness would mean that the ever-popular evil robot monkeys would come after him would make it a stronger hook for me. As in, from what I understand, fishing at dark is not terribly dangerous for experienced fishermen, so I'd like to know why Scaddro thinks it is dangerous.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 26, 2007).]
posted
I'm snowed under at work right now, but will be able to read in a couple of weeks time if it's any help...?...
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posted
My immediate reaction is there should be a few shorter sentences in there to balance it out, but that's just my preference. I'm not feeling a real strong hook, but I am curious. I'll be happy to read the whole thing. Go ahead and send it my way.
posted
Copies off to hoptoad, mommiller and TheOnceandFutureMe
Thanks guys!
Zero - if the mere fact that you don't like a character's name precludes you from reading, I seriously doubt any further comments you might have would be of any value, but thanks for expressing your heartfelt opinion. If you read some books you might discover all kinds of "ridiculous" names in literature.
posted
If someone does something wrong, I call them on it. If a thousand people do the same thing, it doesn't change the thing from being inherently wrong.
Now I admit there's nothing inherently wrong with the name. I just think people out there, like me, won't take it seriously. Everyone on this forum has used a crappy name at least once. I think it's valuable knowledge to have if people reject my character's names. You don't have to change it. But at least now you have the option to consider doing that, for all I know the name never stood out as strange to you before. Now you know more than you did, so you should be thankful.
posted
I gotta admit, Omakase, that I tripped over your MC's name too.
In fact, while typing out a comment on your crit, I mistakenly typed, "Scabbo," instead.
Changing a MC name is always worth consideration. Look at my first 13, my MC has gone through a name change between my first and second versions. I did it because, I thought it was too close to the name of my best friend.
As another writerly friend has put it. One comment is an opinion, but three are a consensus.
Remember this, you don't have to change it if you don't want to. But, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that it gave me pause as well.
posted
I'm not tied to the name at all. I've already changed it several times, so it is good feedback... and I most likely will change it again
However - What I reject is the assertion that it's "ridiculous" and "no reader will take the story seriously" because the name is a strange one. If the name was something like Bunnyface or Ham-ham then OK. Of course, if strange names stopped me from reading I guess I never would have read half of Dickens or Vonnegut, Moby Dick or a host of others
nuff said
[This message has been edited by Omakase (edited March 28, 2007).]
posted
Scrabbo is like Galbatorix. I giggle everytime I read it. Is that the response you wnat your readers to have. If so, it's a perfect name.
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Don't presume you are the the 'voice of the people' on ANY issue.
quote:If someone does something wrong, I call them on it. If a thousand people do the same thing, it doesn't change the thing from being inherently wrong.
Lesson Two:
Use tact and etiquette in expressing your singular opinion.
Say things (the first time) like, "...there's nothing inherently wrong with the name. I just think people out there, like me, won't take it seriously..." Instead of, "It's a ridiculous name..."
1. Be brutally honest honesty is the best policy, after all
2. Find bastards and try to lecture them on how to not be bastards.
Seriously Dakota, what did you expect to accomplish, mate? I'm not going to talk all cotton-candy and sissy because someone on the internet suggested it. I speak directly. I speak honestly. I speak confiently. That is who I am. What's more, I speak however the hell I want to. g'day mate
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited March 29, 2007).]
quote:I speak directly. I speak honestly. I speak confiently. That is who I am. What's more, I speak however the hell I want to. g'day mate
And you put people on the defensive, Zero, so that they don't hear a word of your wonderful, perfect, all-wise advice because they're too busy thinking "Jee, Zero is a bastard. Let's toast him!"
No, you aren't speaking honestly because you say things are fact when they aren't. You're only lying to yourself when you think that your method of critiquing is honest and best. You're being rude and arrogant, not direct and confident.
What did I expect to accomplish by saying this to you? Nothing, since you're too blind in your self-righteousness to change. But it did make me feel better.
Somehow I doubt you care either way, but: Since I don't like to be rude to people, I hereby apologize for being rude to you in return.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 29, 2007).]
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What I hope to accomplish, 'mate,' is to preserve a certain level of civility here at Hatrack that keeps the site a valuable one.
It is possible, and MUCH more productive, to NOT be a bastard. After all, you are human, you do have control of your mental faculties, you can make judgment calls, you can bridle your tongue and still express what you mean.
Uncivil debate helps no one. The bastards attract attention, but no one takes them seriously. If attention is all you want, keep at it. If you want to make a difference, give it a rest.
quote:And you put people on the defensive, Zero, so that they don't hear a word of your wonderful, perfect, all-wise advice because they're too busy thinking "Jee, Zero is a bastard. Let's toast him!"
haha, so be it
quote:No, you aren't speaking honestly because you say things are fact when they aren't.
for example?
quote:You're only lying to yourself when you think that your method of critiquing is honest and best.
Lying to myself? I don't think so. Feeling a bit insecure are we? Feeling the need to rip some online bastard a new one eh? Betch you feel all warm and fuzzy inside now.
quote:You're being rude and arrogant, not direct and confident.
Fine line.
quote:What did I expect to accomplish by saying this to you? Nothing, since you're too blind in your self-righteousness to change. But it did make me feel better.
That doesn't sound so different then what I was doing. So, according to you, are we both wrong?
quote:Somehow I doubt you care either way, but: Since I don't like to be rude to people, I hereby apologize for being rude to you in return.
No apology necessary, I wasn't offended. I feel sincerely that people find excuses to be offended. If someone says something offensive you still have the chance to not be offended. Like, civility demands I apologize to you for offending you, but the way I see it, you allowed yourself to become offended when you didn't have to.
quote:What I hope to accomplish, 'mate,' is to preserve a certain level of civility here at Hatrack that keeps the site a valuable one.
I think we can debate civility until the cows come home. You think it's on the giving end. I think it's on the receiving end. Is my interpretation somehow less valid?
quote:It is possible, and MUCH more productive, to NOT be a bastard.
hmm, I see your point. But consider this, it depends what you are trying to do.
quote:Uncivil debate helps no one.
It usually doesn't solve anything either. I find niceties and so forth, when they over expressed they have no meaning. So instead, I choose to be effeicient, and once you learn to cope with the brutal honesty, when you receive a compliment you can bank that it has both weight and meaning. That it isn't a polite softball. It really is a better system. You just aren't used to it yet.
Well I seem to have ruffled some feathers. I repeat my point that people find opportunities to be offended, when they don't have to.
posted
She Who Must Be Obeyed will soon put in an appearance, and all will be made clear. (We could save her time and read the terms of service, looking for instances of the word "polite.")
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 29, 2007).]
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Hey folks, when I saw all the posts on this topic, I was looking forward to a really good discussion of the first 13. Oh well... Omakase - To start with, I like what I think is coming from what I've seen in your beginning. For me there is enough of a hook there to want to read more. There are a couple of things that don't feel right. The sentences seem to run on a bit; you might think of breaking them up some. Also, the name Scaddro makes me think about someone very simple, and it conflicts with some of the words you are using in the description (complacent, precarious). Maybe just nit-picking, but I think that the elevated wording in combination with the long sentences overpowers Scaddro. Try to make the wording simple to match the character.
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posted
I get overwhelmed with other things and then come back to find that people can't play nicely.
So, is it really the question of names, or is it something deeper?
If it's names, the same rule applies as for critiques in general. "This is stupid!" is not allowed. If you don't like something, a scene, a word choice, a name, a character, tell the author why.
Once the author knows why you don't like something, the author should not waste Hatrack space and Hatrack participant's time defending the author's choice. Can you say "arguing with the critiquer," boys and girls? I knew you could.
If it is something deeper than names, such as zero vs hoptoad no matter what, then I will have to ask zero and hoptoad to pretend that each other does not exist.
posted
Zero, your feelings regarding hoptoad have absolutely no place in this topic. And your back-and-forth with hoptoad, whether friendly or otherwise, tends to overwhelm this topic and its purpose, which is to help Omakase with "The Moon of Long Nights."
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posted
Wow, what is so gosh-awful menacing about this coming darkness? I got several mental pictures from this story: The waterway ahead The path A basket The coming night
But, I am given no clues about the meaning of each.
And I have many questions, not necessarily the “I wanna know about …” but more like “Hey, what about…”
Is the path made of mud or stone? Is his pack already full to be so heavy? Is he harvesting items from the sea or from a nearby island? If he’s going fishing, no fishing pole was indicated. How large is his boat? What is so evil about the coming darkness? Have other villagers been disappearing or something?
“It was hard to worry about the darkness now as the sun shone so brightly” Then why is he worried about it?
“He knew that being caught at night on the water was easily avoided” Once again, if it’s so easy, then why is he worried?
Scaddro jogged down the muddy path to the lakeshore. The jostling of his leather backpack threatened to topple him with each stride, but he had to hurry. He reluctantly stopped to adjust it as he reached the smooth, slippery stones at water’s edge. He could see his boat now. Stupid morning downpour, he thought. He gauged the remaining daylight, then sprinted the rest of the way, tossing his pack in and leaping in after. There should be enough time to fill his basket and return. If not, the dark waters were almost guaranteed to claim him. He grabbed the oar and began to paddle…
In this small rewrite I attempted to put a bit of cohesion to the snippet, give it a sense of urgency instead of overwhelming and somewhat unjustified fear, and remove some of the overdramatic. But there are still a great many things withheld from the reader that I don’t feel should be.
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