A skittering shadow flashed past Nijles vision. His eyes jerked toward the movement. His heart leapt as panic started to over take his rational thought.

“You dolt,” the voice in his head echoed, “nothing is there you are imagining things again.”

“Shaddup,” Nijle muttered aloud. A passerby looked at him and hurried off pulling his cloak tight.

Another shadow skittered just out of site. Nijle thought he smelled a faint whiff of sulfur. “Its all in my head, its all in my head, its all in my head.” He muttered as he picked up his pace.

“That’s right you sniveling idiot it is YOUR head. You don’t deserve free will you should be locked up again.” The loud voice boomed. Nijle stumbled and brushed against a wall.

Next, you don't need to tell us something is said aloud if it's in quotes:
"Shaddup," Nijle muttered aloud.
We know it's aloud because it's in quotes. If it isn't being spoken, then either write it as regular text, italicize it, or, in special conditions, <put it inside funky arrows like these, but only when you have long sections of text where one person isn't speaking aloud, but can be understood.>

Don't explain your dialog so much:
The loud voice boomed.
Either the voice is loud, or it boomed. Using both is redundant.
The same with this:
The soft gentling voice of Jeni broke in.
I really don't like the word gentling. You can use soft or gentle. I would prefer you use neither. Just tell me that Jeni broke in. If you MUST, you can say "Jeni said softly".

If you cut out everything that is redundant or not necessary you might just have time in the first 13 lines to hook me.

First line or so: tell us where we are (city street? down on the farm? starship?). I'd suggest a more ordinary name, to make it dead clear we're in present day.

Also, tell us what Nijles is reacting to before telling us his reaction, and we can share the reaction. You sort of do that already, by saying he saw a shadow, but we don't get *why* this is scary till the voice in his head pops up.

I’ve been debating how to do the Spoken work of his personas. As they are not typical split personalities but they in their selves a fully functional being stuck with Nijle.

As for setting it is a fantasy setting in a society on the cusp of an industrial revolution. Magic is the poor mans tool, and Technology is controlled by elitist...for now.

I liked it, and I was willing to read more. I think a few details should be cleared up (aside from the grammar mentioned). It might help for the reader to know a bit about the voices, since Nijle seems to be the PoV character. Questions I'd like to at least have some basic information about (other than setting):

* Are they new to his head or old?
* Why is Free Will new to him?
* Why are they in his head?

I wouldn't need full and complete answers, but if the PoV character knows, the reader has a right to know, too. If they're new to his head, he could think about getting used to the sensation. If not, he could be weary of hearing them.

They aren’t new but they haven’t always been there.

Free will is not new. The Persona Erik is narcissistic and abusive, and he feels he should be in control not Nijle.

I respectively disagree, however, on the first point.

1) I don't care if they are new to his head, yet. I would read on to find out.

2) The Free Will comment does need either an explanation or rephrasing.

3) If they are sentient personalities and not the personas of a schizophrenic, that does require delineation.

As to the punctuation being atrocious...
If you know better, why not correct it before posting it?

RMatthewWare - Matt - had a valid point about redundancy.

I agree with wbriggs, the hook is there.

And...

quote:

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First line or so: tell us where we are (city street? down on the farm? starship?). I'd suggest a more ordinary name...

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The name Nijles is hard on the brain and tongue. How do you pronounce it, anyway? <THIS is asked directly to you.>

quote:

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...we don't get *why* this is scary till the voice in his head pops up.

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And Due to a miss click on adding to my spell check dictionary I added the wrong spelling. Nijle and not Nijel. That is what I am guessing happened.

Thanks for pointing that out, I may never have noticed.

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a revision - imagine words in < > as italics

A skittering shadow flashed past Nijels vision. His eyes jerked toward the movement. His heart leapt as panic started to over take his rational thought. All that was there was a dirty alley full of refuse and rats. The clatter of metal on stone forced him onward.

<You dolt,> the voice in his head echoed, <nothing is there, you are imagining things again.>

“Shaddup,” Nijel muttered aloud. A passerby looked at him and hurried off, pulling his cloak tight.

Another shadow scraped along, just out of sight. Nijel thought he smelled a faint whiff of sulfur.

“It’s all in my head, its all in my head, its all in my head. I won’t go back to that place.” He muttered as he picked up his

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That last line keeps giving me fits never gets changed they way I want it 5th edit's the charm I guess, I hope...

[This message has been edited by Alye (edited March 07, 2007).]

By the way, using names that belong to family or friends can be dangerous. That person can take over the persona. Family that read your story might say, that doesn't seem like him. It restricts where your story can do when a character is based too close on a real person.

"It was the worst time in New York, fall 1896, during a dark and stormy night... that opened a new beginning... that reshaped the world of man..."

Or some such thing. I hope I am letting the reader draw a conclusion within the first 2 pages, time and settings wise, with out having to spell it out. I think I can do it, but some times it’s what is not said that can be the most intriguing.

I am using as a Sulfur smell in a hot spring, or in volcanic activity. I'm not sure that it matters in usage.

W-m.com relayed what I needed with out 40 confusing definitions unlike dictionary.com, which I was using.

I'll be frequenting w-m.com from now on.

Rearanged and rewrote some dialog.

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<Why are you jumping at shadows?> Erik ranted. <Have you always been a sniveling dolt, or just since we got stuck in your head?>

<Stop it, Erik.> Jeni interrupted. <You know we would be dead, if it wasn’t for Nigel.>

<Ha, we would be better off dead.> Erik barked. <Can’t you even walk down the street, without quivering like a wee babe?> Berating Nigel had quickly become his favorite hobby.

“Shaddup.” Nigel muttered. A passerby looked at him and hurried off, pulling his cloak tight.

A Shadow danced on the edge of Nigel’s vision. He looked down the fog filled alley. Nothing occupied the dirty space, except rats and over filled refuse bins.
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quote:

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<Ha, we would be better off dead.> Erik barked. <Can’t you even walk down the street, without quivering like a wee babe?> Berating Nigel quickly became his favorite hobby.

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I fixed that line.