posted
This is a story that I wrote about ten years ago, possibly more. I have pulled it out periodically and rewrote and edited, and what you're about to see is drastically improved over the original. I'm the first to admit that it still needs lots of help though.
Currently untitled because titles are the bane of my existence. Word count: ~5500 Genre: Traditional Fantasy Looking for: Feedback and someone willing to take a stab at the whole thing to give me some guidance on tightening it up and commentary on flow and plot
-----------------------------------------------
Storming from the Judgment Chambers, Lindra kept a white-knuckled grip on her skirts. How dare she, Lindra fumed. How dare Salera treat me like a child who needs coddling and in front of the High Council no less!
The presence of the young elf who fell into step beside her soothed her bruised ego. "Salera had no right to belittle you like that."
"She had every right." The clenching hold on her skirts tightened. "I hesitated when I gave judgment. That was wrong. ‘A Speaker has no place for hesitation or error. Dragonkin and Kinfolk are one and the same when a Speaker gives judgment.’" Lindra quoted by rote.
[This message has been edited by vanessa71 (edited March 22, 2007).]
posted
The third sentence ends a little weird for me:
quote: How dare Salera treat me like a child who needs coddling and in front of the High Council no less!
Maybe you need a comma, or a new sentence" How dare Salera treat me like a child who needs coddling. And in front of the High Council no less!
quote: Lindra kept a white-knuckled grip on her skirts.
then,
quote: The clenching hold on her skirts tightened.
If her grip is already white-knuckled, can it really get tighter? And I don't like the phrase 'clenching hold' that much. Maybe, the hold on her skirts got tighter. Or use some other way to tell us that she's really mad. But then, from the dialog it doesn't seem like she is more angry. The young elf soothed her bruised ego, and Lindra conceded that "She had every right". If she's frustrated with herself, I think she should physically relax a little. "The hold on her skirts loosened."
The last thing
quote: Lindra quoted by rote.
I think is unnecessary. If you have the one slash ' quote thingy I know she's quoting.
Okay, now that I'm past style, I like the story itself. There's a title of speaker that may be interesting. There is Dragonkin and Kinfolk, which may or may not be interesting. Elves don't do much for me, everyone uses them these days. But whatever, most people that read fantasy still like elves, so go with it if you want.
If you want to send the whole story to me, go ahead. I'll take a look at it next week.
posted
Too much "So, as you know Bob . . ." for my tastes.
Let me explain. what I mean:
"She had every right." . . . ‘A Speaker has no place for hesitation or error. Dragonkin and Kinfolk are one and the same when a Speaker gives judgment.’"
The unnamed elf already knows this. Also the sentances don't help me to understand.
You are withholding. There are a whole slew of terms and relationships I don't know and aren't explained.
1) Judgment Chambers - I assume this is a court room. 2) Who is Lidra? 3) Who is Salera and what is her relationship to Lidra? 4) How old is Lindra? 5) What is the High Council? 6) What's the elf's name? Lindra knows it and so should the reader. 7) What judgment? 8) What's a speaker? 9) What are Kinfolk?
Because you are withholding, I have no faith my questions will be answered and wouldn't read on.
Everything you say or mention in the first 13 has to be clear and explained.
Can you start with the scene in the council chambers? I think it would help.
The internal dialog doesn't help. I know she's mad. You tell me 3 times that she was scolded and belittled before the council. You tell me 3 times she's upset - "White-knuckled grip", "she fumed" and "the hold on her skirts tightened." Try not to use up precious words by repeating an idea.
posted
This is not argument, but an honest plea for help. I'm going to answer the questions that kings_falcon presented because I honestly haven't a clue about how to go about putting all this information in the first thirteen lines. I can put it in the first thirteen paragraphs, but I'm stymied on condensing it all down into the initial lines.
If anyone can offer advice and help me out, it would be greatly appreciated.
quote: 1) Judgment Chambers - I assume this is a court room.[quote] yes [quote]2) Who is Lidra?
Lindra is an Acolyte. She is training to become a Speaker. A Speaker is a judge.
quote:3) Who is Salera and what is her relationship to Lidra?
Salera is her teacher and mentor
quote:4) How old is Lindra?
Lindra is seventeen
quote:5) What is the High Council?
The High Council is a council of judges. Sort of like a state-level supreme court.
quote:6) What's the elf's name?
Relin
quote:7) What judgment?
Sentencing a man to death.
quote: 8) What's a speaker?
A speaker is a judge
quote: 9) What are Kinfolk?
Kinfolk are elves and humans.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
quote:Everything you say or mention in the first 13 has to be clear and explained.
When kings_falcon said this, I don't think she meant that you had to put the explanation for all of those things into the first 13 lines.
I submit that she was saying that the things you do put into the first 13 lines must be clear and understood. So what you may need to think about is what you can explain in the first 13 lines that will make the reader want to keep reading, and then save the explanations of the other stuff for later, as you go along.
Basically, you may have been trying to put too much in the first 13 lines without explaining anything. Consider putting in less and making sure what you have put in is clear.
The problem with this 13 for me is that you raise all these questions and none are answered. The art in the first 13 is making sure everything you do mention is clear and there's a hook. Realistically, you might answer a few questions in the first 13 but not all of them. You are trying to give me too much detail in too small a space and end up being too vague. Weird but true.
Slow down, give me more detail (which you could do by starting in court) and don't use "terms of art" that the reader can't instinctively understand.
Focus on what's important right now - Lindra just condemned someone to death, right? Or didn't. And she was reprimanded for her decision/ conduct/ ???. That's what she's going to be thinking about.
You could say:
Acolyte Lindra left the Judgment Chambers with her ears still ringing from Salera's, her mentor's, rebuke. It had been her first time presiding over a (detail - charge of treason, what?). She (did/didn't care) what the law said. The (insert name and/or species) (did/didn't) deserve death for (insert crime).
Again, obviously not perfect but now I know who she is and what just happened. I'm all ready for how she's dealing with it.
I *do* think that everything in the first 13 needs to be explained, or almost everything; that is, we should understand what you mean. If we don't, how can we enjoy it? You can deliberately, explicitly leave things out, like
quote:Had I but known the dire fate that awaited me...
but I want to understand what you *are* telling me, that is, the things kings_falcon listed.
posted
I looked at your last post and realized I haven't answered it.
But I'm not sure how to. OK, we could put in all that information, but the thing is, even so, I don't get what happened here, that is, what Lindra is angry about.
To me, this suggests that you may be starting in the wrong place. As it is, I don't understand what happened; to explain takes you into immediate flashback, which suggests we should start with the flashback. As in
quote:"...and so, Honored Speakers," Lindra said, "my client had no choice but to blow up the orphanage. It was that, or the evil robot monkeys would train the children to evil."
She was proud of her case. She looked to her mentor, Speaker Salera, for approval.
To her horror, the Speaker spoke (although with the title you'd kind of expect that). "I must apologize to the Council for my trainee," Salera said. "She used the word 'evil' twice in one sentence. Forgive her. She's young."
Lindra looked down. Her face burned.
So in some cases the things you might wonder were explictly stated ("her mentor, Speaker Salera") and in other cases strongly implied (that a Speaker is a judge or a lawyer) or in other cases -- not many -- put into dialog ("She's young").
If the Council is less like a courtroom, there might have to be a little more exposition to explain it.
posted
ERMs are worse than cockraoches. They infiltrate every possible post! I have a feeling that for every one you see, there are a thousand that you don't. I need some Evil Robot Monkey repellant.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 25, 2007).]
posted
Thank you to everyone for the comments and suggestions. I've had a busy time of it and hadn't been able to get back to respond.
quote:ERMs, are worse than cockraoches. They infiltrate every possible post! I have a feeling that for every one you see, there are a thousand that you don't. I need some Evil Robot Monkey repellant.
I think my newb-ness is showing. I don't get this last comment, InarticulateBabbler.
posted
Evil Robot Monkeys (including the special Ninja variety) are a kind of generic insert some people use when they make rewrite suggestions in their feedback.
Since the likelihood of there being Evil Robot Monkeys (Ninja or otherwise) in the story being critiqued is rather small (though it becomes more and more likely as time passes), comments can be generalized and thus be a bit more helpful and not so specific or painful if applied to the story being critiqued.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
