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I'm not sure how it is looked on here, reposting a story, but back in the day it was done and I feel as though I've made major stylistic changes across the board.
Genre: Fantasy. Length: 12 pages/~3,000 words. Form: I am debating whether or not to make this into a novella or a novel or maybe even a short story. Looking for: Feedback on these 12 pages, and what your opinion is on potential format.
quote: The tea was spicy and exotic, expensive. May sipped then spoke.
"Did you check the industrial center, sir? There are several watchmakers there, and Silvia loves clocks."
Was it now "loved" clocks?
Amantry nodded. Then, though his face remained empty, he brought a hammy fist down onto the table. Everything rattled. The sound rang hollow and pretty. May looked at him, and bit her lip. He was toying with her.
"Where is your bloody sister? How can a girl disappear with such efficiency? Where is she?"
Two emotions fought in May. For one, she was tired and angry. But she needed Amantry. She had to get her sister, 11 years old and missing, the best help possible. Father would not return
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited March 17, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 18, 2007).]
posted
Will read, send on complete story. Dont have time to crit the 13 right now, must eat, tummy grumbles.
Posts: 556 | Registered: Oct 2006
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That line confused me for a bit about the POV. I had to re-read several times to determine it was May responding to her own dialogue. Maybe if you kept it in the same paragraph as the dialogue, and started it with "or", it would be more clear that May feared her sister might be dead. Also, it might be more effective to state the fear plainly.
Amantry nodded. Then, though his face remained empty, he brought a hammy fist down onto the table. Everything rattled. The sound rang hollow and pretty. May looked at him, and bit her lip. He was toying with her.
"Where is your bloody sister? How can a girl disappear with such efficiency? Where is she?"
I don't "feel" the build-up (change?) from nodded to his angry outburst and banging the table.
If he nods, I kind of expect a quieter -- but not necessarily soothing -- reply. Maybe more like "So then where is your bloody sister." And he smiles...being ultra polite while conveying that he is furious. Restrained, but the steel is there below the velvet. More scary, really, that way, to me at least.
posted
>The tea was spicy and exotic, expensive. May sipped then spoke. I like this
>"Did you check the industrial center, sir? There are several watchmakers there, and Silvia loves clocks." Sylvia?
>Was it now "loved" clocks? I don't know what this means.
>Amantry nodded. Then, though his face remained empty, he brought I'm not sure whose POV we're in. Give us one of MC's thoughts, and I'll know.
Who is Amantry? We have a relationship, but I don't know what it is. Tell us.
>He was toying with her.
Huh? What's going on?
>"Where is your bloody sister? How can a girl disappear with such efficiency? Where is she?"
What's he talking about?
>Two emotions fought in May. For one, she was tired and angry. But she needed Amantry. She had to get her sister, 11 years old and missing, the best help possible.
Help with what? What's she talking about?
Looking back over it I'll guess that Sylvia is the sister. Tell us! Sylvia would go somewhere because she loves clocks. This is strange for a runaway, I think. If not, well, we just need more information.
You may be trying to limit plot exposition to dialog. They do that in cinema because that's what they have to work with. But in print, you can just tell us.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited March 18, 2007).]
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I got the fact that the switch from loves to loved clocks means she's thinking her sister is dead. Past tense, she loved clocks (while she was alive).
Posts: 1580 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I see a lot of interesting things here, but I'll be honest, I've read it a few times now (once or twice yesterday, twice today) and am still confused. I think if the characters were named george and martha it would be a little less confusing (May being a month name and a general use word makes it really hard for me to pick up as a proper name. This could just be me.)
I had trouble following who was talking. I think there's some POV switching - or, I had assumed so because I thought "Was it now "loved" clocks" was the other character's thought. I think it's still May's, but honestly, I was a little lost there.
I'm also just not sure what's going on. May has lost her sister, that's clear. But Amantry - is he helping her? Why is he slamming his hammy fist down then? And why is he toying with May? Is he a mercenary? Someone not to be trusted?
I really like the way the opening line is worded. Spicy and excotic, expensive. Cool. I just wish I could figure out what is going on a little better. I also wish I had more tangible suggestions for what might make it clearer. I will keep thinking on this and post again if I have ideas.
Sorry to be a downer. The story seems like it will be interesting, the opening just lost me.
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