posted
Still in draft mode, so pardon the punctuation errors. The questions I have are, is it interesting and does it sound like a bigger/longer story (as opposed to short story)?
Teb sat shivering on the doorstep to the church. He was only twelve years old and had managed to survive this long without stealing, but he was hungry, and his stomach didn’t care about morals. His mother died last year and Kessa looked after him, but she was sick. His belly grumbled and clenched painfully. The smell of the sausage cooking on the fire called to him, Teb stood up and circled the stand like a lion. Then he ran by the stand and grabbed as many sausages as he could.
“Hey you little theif, grab the little bugger” shouted the sausage seller.
The sausages were hot, and when he bit into one the succulent boiling juices seared his tongue. He swallowed half chewed chunks as he ran. He looked...
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited April 16, 2007).]
posted
Teb sat shivering on the doorstep to the church. He was only twelve years old and had managed to survive this long without stealing, but he was hungry, and his stomach didn’t care about morals. His mother died last year and Kessa [WHO'S KESSA?] looked after him, but she was sick. His belly grumbled and clenched painfully. The smell of the sausage cooking on the fire called to him, [COMMA SPLICE HERE]Teb stood up and circled the stand like a lion. [HOW DOES A LION CIRCLE? I CAN'T PICTURE THIS.] Then he ran by the stand and grabbed as many sausages as he could.
“Hey you little theif, [COMMA SPLICE]grab the little bugger[,]” shouted the sausage seller.
--
I'd suggest going ahead and fixing the puncutation etc.; it's hard to see past it sometimes.
Other than that I suggest finding a way to get more into his head. Part of this is knowing enough of his surroundings. (He's at a church, but there's a sausage seller. Is there a fair? Busy city street?) Another part is seeing his predicament from his perspective. "He managed to survive this long without stealing" might do better as "He had never stolen anything, because his mother had told him when she was alive it was very very bad to steal."
Does the church sell sausages? Because it's wayyyyyy worse to steal sausages form God's Sausage Vendor...lol.
On a more serious note, here's My take:
quote: Teb sat shivering on the doorstep to the church. He was only twelve years old and had managed to survive this long without stealing, but he was hungry, and his stomach didn’t care about morals. [<--Sentence is a little clunky for my tastes. I wonder if you would be adding something to break it down?] His mother died last year and Kessa[Who is this?] looked after him, but she was sick. [Suggest a new paragraph here. You could explain him leaving the shurch steps.]His belly grumbled and clenched painfully. [When did he move away from the church to the vendor?]The smell of the sausage cooking on the fire called to him, Teb stood up and circled the stand like a lion. Then he ran by the stand and grabbed as many sausages as he could.[Most sausage (or hotdog; or pretzel; or popcorn...etc) vendors have them in lidded steamers. These are very hot. Teb would have HAD to time this just right -- and have very accurate hands -- not to get burned.]
“Hey you little theif,[Suggestion:said the vendor. Then he shouted to the passersby, "G]rab the little bugger[.]” [This can be eliminated-->]shouted the sausage seller.
The sausages were hot[,<--This is not needed] and when he bit into one the succulent boiling juices seared his tongue. He swallowed half chewed chunks as he ran. He looked...
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 16, 2007).]
posted
...shouted the sausage seller is an awfully big mouthful to swallow. If there's any way to reword that so you don't have the sausage seller shouting, I'd strongly suggest it. Otherwise, it's alot of alliteration. (ha ha.)
Meanwhile, speaking of sausages - there was only one on the fire, but be grabbed as many as he could? Was he grabbing the one from the fire too? Because later he bites a burning hot one. Continuity point, minor nit, but I noticed it. Maybe there were many sausages cooking on the fire and it was just a pluralization missing.
Meanwhile, I'm not hooked yet, but it's interesting. Good luck!
posted
You seem to be making us care about the situation your MC is in, which is fine, except we have no reason to care about him - we don't even know him. A scene like this should come later on, as one of the problems he faces. It is too clinical. Oh and check your spelling - "theif" is correctly spelled "thief". As to length, a story should never be longer than it takes to tell it.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited April 17, 2007).]
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If there's any way to reword that so you don't have the sausage seller shouting, I'd strongly suggest it. Otherwise, it's alot of alliteration. (ha ha.)
