Here's my first 13 from my rewrite Challenge entry. Comments on the excerpt welcome, and I'll be looking for readers in a couple days.

Twelve-year-old Taylor Beag ran from Carl and Peter Graves. He didn't know why they'd picked him for their sport that night, but that didn't matter—his options were to escape or to suffer. He ducked into the recess between the Prescott's and Johnson's houses to get out of sight. It was a mistake. A fence spanned the gap between their garages, blocking his way to the alley. He heard the Graves brothers rounding the Prescott's house. He found nowhere to hide.

Taylor drowned in a helpless feeling. His pride begged to fight back, but that would only ensure they beat him bloody. Maybe he'd get lucky. Maybe they'd just slap him around and spit on him—if he kept his cool and didn't provoke them.

He turned to face his pursuers. Blonde-haired Peter ...

Only thing that bugs me, was the barrage of names right at the beginning.

Perhaps another tactic would be to omit Taylor's last name at first. Just throwing out ideas.

Oh, and credibility point - how come a 12 year old boy can't scale a fence? "tall fence" perhaps?

But all of this is really minor. I thought it was an interesting start.

I also agree with Zero on the title. I am sure there is a reason for it, but like the books with the scantly clad women on the cover I would walk past just based on the title.

Otherwise, I liked the action. I could feel his fear, very good for the first 13 lines. You gave me a reason to put a book cover over the title and read on.

When you are ready for readers I would be glad to.

-JH

Oops, if I did it wrong. I thought Dakota said we could put our thirteen up here prior to the deadline - apologies if I misread.

I'm at a different computer right now, so I can't send my story tonight--I'll get on it when I get into my studio.

The rules--that you were referring to--were:

quote:

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On or before the deadline, submit the first thirteen lines of your COMPLETED story to THIS thread. Do NOT post comments or questions of any kind on THIS thread. Another thread has been set up for that in the Open Discussions area.

AFTER MARCH 31ST, all those who participated may send their COMPLETED story to all other successful participants (those who completed and submitted their first 13); CONVERSELY, if you participate, you can expect to receive copies of the other entrants' work. PLEASE critique as many as you can.

AFTER MARCH 31ST, any non-participating Hatrack members may request the story from the author for critique.

Paricipants may post 'in-process' requests for critique in the Fragments & Feedback for Short Stories forum, NOT on the Challenge threads.

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There was nothing stating that the competitors were required to swap stories first.

1. I feel that you did a great job on this. Before the end of the first page I could feel this kid's pain. And I the end I actually heard the screams of.... (for those of you who have not read it )

2. While I am interested by the mention of the "Creature" I feel a little left out not even knowing what it is, or at least a little more about it. Maybe that is from too many years of scifi being able to produce the terrible creatures of the imagination. And I do understand the limits of a short story so I am not sure I would change it. Totally up to you.

3. Your choice of language was good. He talks like a 12 year old boy. You must have been one at some point in time.

4. I think, and again I understand the limits of a short story, that Ricky's character seems a bit shallow. Not as in a character flaw but not having much depth.

5. I was a little confused about the Graves bothers relationship, and I noted this in my notes in the story. The younger brother was the one calling the shots. As an older brother, I don't know if it is pride or what but, as ruthless as they seemed I had a hard time swallowing it. He must have had something pretty good on Peter. That is the only think that I can figure.

6. Last, as I noted in my notes, The wrap up is very well done. But I want to know who is telling it. It seems to be and out of body experince. I would shift the point of view to first person.

Great Job! I hope that you get it published soon and look forward to reading it again if you do another rewrite.

For me the books with the flashy covers (I believe I used the example of barely clothed women last time) tend to be trying to sell something that isn't really there. I have been wrong in the past and I was wrong this time. The only thing that I can say about it is that, if there is not a good hook and I mean a really good hook, a title like that, for me, would have been enough to tip the balance the other way.

And you are right the title was appropriate.