posted
Final first 13, just in case you were curious what the evolution was like. Majority of content stayed same, but tweaks and adjustments many times. Story is finished, after tipping the scales at 6100 words at its worst, it's now just under 5000. A lot tighter, I am happy with it. Final version 4/9/07: “Jack says a freighter drone from Earth’s due in tonight, C-Dock.” Julia said. She flopped down next to Ali on the bottom bunk of the room they shared. “His cousin is on shift. He said there are…” Julia paused for dramatic effect, eyebrows raised, “…Apples! And if we bring some credits he can arrange to get us a few, ahead of the rush.” “Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said. Her eyes narrowed. “You’re not just saying that to get me to go, are you?” Ali didn’t usually join in Julia’s Lunar Colony adventures. “No, I swear, Jack is positive. If I were telling you something to get you to go, I’d mention that Kofi will be there.” Julia winked. “Some of my friends from school too. Interested?”
=== Updated 13 (old text below, FYI.) What I'm looking for is down in the post count. Summary: readers/crit'ers by/before Friday. Thanks! KayTi
==Updated 13== “Jack says a freighter drone from Earthside’s due in tonight, C-Dock.” Julia said, flopping down lightly on the bottom bunk.
Ali perked up as she pulled an elastic band around the bottom of her long braid.
“His cousin is on shift. He said there are…” Julia paused for dramatic effect, eyebrows raised, “…Apples! And if we bring some credits he can arrange to get us a few, ahead of the rush.”
“Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said, eyes narrowed. “You’re not just saying that to get me to go, are you?” Ali didn’t usually join in Julia’s Lunar Colony adventures.
“No, I swear, Jack is positive. If I were telling you something to get you to go, I’d mention that Kofi is supposed to be there.” Julia winked, playing with the button on her vest. “So,
==Original Post==
Deep breath...my first foray. Wish me luck. Character-driven sci-fi short story. Bleeds onto line 14 slightly.
Karen ===
“Hey sis, let’s go out” Julia said, flopping down lightly on the bottom bunk of the room they shared.
“Where?” asked Ali as she quickly slid her notebook into a desk drawer.
“Lunar bay 27C. Jack says a freighter drone’s due in tonight. His cousin Greg is on shift and can get us in. He said there are…” Julia paused dramatically, eyebrows raised “…Apples! And if we bring some credits we can buy a few.”
“Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said suspiciously. “You’re not just saying that to get me to come with, are you?”
“No, I swear! Jack is positive! If I were telling you something to get you to come with, I’d mention that Kofi is supposed to be coming.” Julia winked, looked away playfully and started humming.
[This message has been edited by KayTi (edited April 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by KayTi (edited April 04, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by KayTi (edited April 10, 2007).]
posted
I like it, decent hook, you've implied here that we are in a setting where apples are a precious rarity. There is a point where the narrative smacks into a heavy obstacle for me, as a person who is not a heavy sci-fi reader. The dialog establishes itself as being very casual, then Julia says "Lunar bay 27C" and to me that sounds so...mechanical. Again, as someone who's not a heavy sci-fi reader maybe I'm imagining it, but if I were a kid I'd go "one of the lunar bays down in C-block" or something. Perfect real-world example: if you're picking someone up at the airport and you want a friend to come along for company you don't say "I'm going to airport terminal D, wanna come with me?"
Anyway, I'm silly like that, obsessing over little elements in the flow of the narrative. I'm a slow reader but I gain momentum as I go; little hitches later in a story don't bug me as much but if it happens before I have a chance to really get going it throws me way off.
posted
I like it too. You could make it more hook-y by showing some internal dialog of the POV character, especially if they're funny.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Ruskin, what you say raises an interesting question for me. I stuck "lunar" in there to indicate they're on the moon, but my first instinct was something more like "down at the docks" or some other casual reference.
Asking a somewhat rhetorical question here - is it important to get the scene set (e.g., lunar colony, space station, alien planet) in these first 13 lines? I think the answer is yes. I bet if I give it some more thought I can find another way to situate them on the moon in these first 13 lines without the clunky "Lunar bay 27C."
posted
Maybe you don't need to say it's the moon, just a hint that it's not Earth would probably work. Be more specific in the next bit of narration. And, the details about Ali's notebook -- do you really need that? It doesn't add anything to what's going on and it slows the quick flow of story right here. You might even put the flopping down before the dialog opener. After all, didn't she flop before she asked about going out?
Or you could detail the flop more. Julia flopped down on the lower bunk as heavily as lunar gravity could manage. "Hey, sis. Let's go out."
Julia flopped down lightly on the bottom bunk. “Hey sis, let’s go out.”
“Where?” asked Ali.
“Bay 27C. Jack says a freighter drone from Earth’s due in tonight. His cousin Greg is on shift and can get us in. He said there are…” Julia paused dramatically, eyebrows raised “…Apples! And if we bring some credits we can buy a few.”
posted
It's pretty good. A couple of things though:
How young are the girls? Are they College roomates? grammar school girls?
Which leads to...
Are apples like some rare treat for kids or will there be fighting in the docking bays, like the Christmas Toy Wars at Wal-Mart during the holiday season? Are they more rare than say steak? Coffee?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 08, 2007).]
posted
Hmm, great questions IB - a question back to you/the group. I specify their ages (mid-teens) in another approx 30 lines. Is that soon enough?
As for Apples, the further explanation happens when they get to the loading bay/dock, which is about a fifth of the way into the story. Is that too late?
If you were curious (I know that part of the point of comments here is to have my story address these questions, which I am definitely working on), I'm playing with the idea that I've seen in things like Firefly/Serenity that fresh foods are rare treats in space, which grokked for me perfectly the first time I saw it. Of course! Hydroponics will get you some decent fresh soy and herbs, but not things like apples and bananas. I'm a big fan of figuring out the mundane in space/on the moon/off planet. What do people wear, how do they get to work, what are their jobs, what tools do they use to do their work, what do they do for fun, etc.
Thanks again for the comments, this is really wonderful!
posted
I think your idea to use a short story to ask questions about details like food variety off-planet is a great idea, Karen. It's like a sort of theoretical social experiment, and I've always been a sucker for sociological fiction. I forgot to say anything earlier but I'd be glad to look at the story as a whole and critique it further, if you're interested in a full critique.
[This message has been edited by Ruskin (edited March 08, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Ruskin (edited March 08, 2007).]
posted
Definitely some interesting things going on here. I think it the whole apples-being-rare thing is inventive, but I don't really see the upcoming conflict. Plus, I was not hooked by the prospect of them either successfully obtaining the apples or by failing to get the apples. Also, I thought the speech was good and did succeed in making me see two teenage girls talking, but it still had that "person trying to make it sound like a real conversation" feel to it.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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quote: “Hey sis, let’s go out” Julia said, flopping down lightly on the bottom bunk of the room they shared.
“Where?” asked Ali as she quickly slid her notebook into a desk drawer.
“Lunar bay 27C. Jack says a freighter drone’s due in tonight. His cousin Greg is on shift and can get us in. He said there are…” Julia paused dramatically, eyebrows raised “…Apples! And if we bring some credits we can buy a few.”
“Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said suspiciously. “You’re not just saying that to get me to come with, are you?”
“No, I swear! Jack is positive! If I were telling you something to get you to come with, I’d mention that Kofi is supposed to be coming.” Julia winked, looked away playfully and started humming.
I like that these girls are excited about apples (yes, it did kind of remind me of Firefly and how excited Kali[spelling?] was to get a strawberry). I get that they're young by the dialogue. Only thing, I thought there were too many adverbs(highlighted in bold). It would be a stronger passage if you used a more appropriate verb rather than a verb and adverb. For example, instead of saying 'Jill walked slowly down the street', you could say 'Jill sauntered' or 'Jill strolled'.
posted
Wow, this is really enlightening to me. Thank you, Skribent. You pointed out something that I have been noticing and commenting on in others' works, but didn't realize I was doing too. I heart adverbs, eh?
I really appreciate all the input, thank you so much, Karen
posted
Overall, I like the idea and the writing style, and would keep reading. The proposed title makes it obvious that the action takes place on the moon, maybe even too obvious. Snakes on a plane syndrome.
I felt a bit taxed having to keep track of five named characters in the first 13 lines. This makes me realize I did exactly the same thing in one of my projects.
posted
I have a slightly retooled first 13, incorporating I think most/all feedback here. Still not sure Apples on the Moon is the right title, just using it until something better strikes my fancy.
Word count is at 3500 right now and in about 24 hrs I will be looking URGENTLY for readers for what I expect to be about 5000 words. I am toying with the idea of submitting to a contest with an early April deadline.
Any additional feedback on this retooled 13 appreciated, and please let me know if you'd have time for the 5k story. Thanks! Karen
Sidenote: Arriki, thanks for the idea to do "from Earth" and switch around that opening sentence, flopping then talking. Each of those helped solve problems I had in the back of my mind that I couldn't quite articulte. === Julia flopped down lightly on the bottom bunk. “Hey sis, let’s go out.”
“Where?” asked Ali, as she finished tying off the bottom of her long braid.
“Bay 27C. Jack says a freighter drone from Earthside’s due in tonight. His cousin is on shift and can get us in. He said there are…” Julia paused for dramatic effect, eyebrows raised, “…Apples! And if we bring some credits we can buy a few.”
“Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said, eyes narrowed. “You’re not just saying that to get me to come, are you?”
“No, I swear, Jack is positive. If I were telling you something to get you to come, I’d mention that Kofi is supposed to be there.” Julia winked...
posted
I like this, except for the very first line of dialogue. "Hey, sis, let's go out," doesn't sound natural. I'd think the sister would try to milk the info about apples to create a lot more expectation on her sister (and the reader) "Hey, sis, guess what's up?" is a lot more intriguing and still sounds like a young girl "Hey, sis, guess where we're going?" is patronizing and something an older sister would say to a younger one. "Hey, sis, guess what I found out." Etc.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I agree with Sara, the beginning sound a little forced.
I think you should start with the third line. With a little rearranging...
“Jack says a freighter drone from Earthside’s due in Bay 27C,tonight," said Julia.
Ali perked up, dropping the braid she'd been toying with.
"His cousin is on shift. He said there are…” Julia paused for dramatic effect, eyebrows raised, “…Apples! And if we bring some credits, he can arrange to get us a few...ahead of the rush.”
posted
Nope, not too intrusive. Interesting ideas, I'm going to play with those. I'm finding that I'm using dialog waaaay too loosely - rather than to move the story forward, I'm often trying to replicate reality with what my characters are saying. As a result, sometimes the dialog is REALLY boring! LOL
I'm going to give this one a whirl, and trying to wrap up the story tonight. Not particularly satisfied with my plot ideas for story closure, not sure that *enough* has happened in the story, but I'm running with it for now. I'm finding some ideas just pop in while I'm in the midst of writing a passage, going with the flow is serving me well enough so far. I'm still looking for readers...
posted
I really don't like excessive dialog tags. It makes the sentence longer. I get to the point where I expect a period, and it's not there, and it loses the momentum. Why don't you try this instead:
"Hey sis, let's go out," Julia said. She had just come in and jumped on the bottom bunk of their bunk bed.
"Where?" Ali quickly slid her notebook into a drawer.
That seems a little better to me.
quote: “Apples! Are you sure?” Ali said suspiciously. “You’re not just saying that to get me to come with, are you?”
I can tell that Ali is suspicious from the context. When she says "You're not just saying that to get me to come with, are you?" I get that she's suspicious.
And in the last part, I know Julia is being playful when she winks. Don't over explain.
You've got four exclamation points in 13 lines. I'd use one. If you use them too much, it'll look silly. If you really spoke like that, exclaiming everything, it will get annoying:
Hey sis! Let's go out! Oh my gosh! Apples! And some cute guy! Like, for sure!
So, I'd pick the place you want to have the dramatic moment, probably the first time Ali says "apples", and put it there. Julia shouldn't exclaim it. If apples are so rare, Ali will be shocked that they'll be there.
I agree with the comment on Lunar bay 27C. Not even an adult would say something like that in casual conversation. Just say its in the cargo bay. People naturally abbreviate things. Look at all the abbreviations we use in the forum: MC, POV, WIP, etc.
As for Lunar bay 27C setting the scene, I completely read over it. I knew we're on the moon because your title is "Apples on the Moon." Maybe a character should say that. When Julia first mentions there are apples here, Ali can respond, "Apples on the moon!"-and use your exclamation there.
I disagree with InarticulateBlabber on this point:
quote: Are apples like some rare treat for kids or will there be fighting in the docking bays, like the Christmas Toy Wars at Wal-Mart during the holiday season? Are they more rare than say steak? Coffee?
I can tell from the context and Ali's surprise, and the title itself, that apples are going to be rare on the moon. Don't explain that they're rare, it will insult the reader.
And I can tell from the context that the girls are young and immature (you mention a boy will be at the dock). I don't need to know specific ages yet, I can tell they're around 13-16, and that's good enough for now.
I agree with you that any sort of fresh fruit will be rare in an environment like the moon. My guess is that they mostly eat dehydrated soy, vitamins, and calorie drinks. Or something like that. It would be easy to prepare and ship, and you wouldn't have to worry about it going bad any time soon.
If you want a crit on the whole thing, send it to me, I'll take a look at it.
By the way, you're new here, so I know that a lot of the minor grammatical things are new to you. The best way to learn what you're doing wrong is to crit other people's stories. It hard to detach yourself from your own work. It's hard to spot your own errors. If you crit someone else's work, you'll see flaws that you yourself have.
posted
Thanks Matt, Sara, Tracy, and Babbler (supressing the maniacal laughter) for offering to read. I was overtaken by events (spring break cometh) the last few days and haven't quite finished. If the words stay with me, I can write 800-1000 words/hr...so I'm optimistic about completing tonight. I predict about 1500 left. I'll email as soon as it's ready.
Meanwhile, Matt - are there more grammatical issues beyond what you pointed out, or were you just saying that these minor things are easier to find in my own work w/more experience critiquing? I have already reworked the first 13 again and am much happier w/where they are. Only 2 exclamations left, both after the word Apples! (the sister mirrors the statement the first makes.) I'm crit'ing anything that comes up on these forums and noticing plenty that I need to continue working on. I just want to be sure I haven't missed any other obvious grammar bits, holler if so.
I'm also reading voraciously a bunch of craft books now (how to write sci-fi, self editing for fiction writers, characters and viewpoint, and a few other sci-fi specific books.) I have to-dos a mile long w/my other work in progress stories. This is the fun part, right? LOL
posted
Just reference to the Batman evil villan, you know, The Babbler....(suppressed maniacal laughter...)
Meanwhile, I'm behind. I've finished reading OSC How to Write Sci Fi, and I realize my story is halfway between a milieu story and a character one. I am going to retool it to be a character story, as that's what I intended to do when I set out. Now I know what needs to be fixed. I'll be taking everyone up on their reading offers soon. Many thanks, Karen
posted
I know this is a bit late, but KayTi, your comment about the exclamation points? I know the feeling - I'm working on a story that's centered around 10-year olds (setting up a universe for future stories), and I'm having a bit of trouble finding a balance between making it sound "youthful" but not amateur, does that make sense? It's difficult to write a story for what's supposed to be mainly an adult audience from a child's POV.
posted
NIT - evil villan?!?!?!?!? Have you learned nothing from your time here?
LOL.
Matt, I never questioned the fact that apples were rare; I was questioning how rare they were. It could change the flow of the story. Coffee and Steak would have to be shipped to the moon, too.
Are they normally given (NASA brand) food-pack rations? Are they starting to terraform the moon? Or: Are apples shipped every Year? Month? Week?
A good point about the rarity, which I have now worked into the story so that it's clear to the reader that apples are a pretty rare treat. It's been months since the last shipment, is how I set it up. I am imagining some type of hybrid between hyrdroponics/tech-aided indoor farming on the moon (e.g., the characters make jokes about yummy soy paste,) some type of MRE/dehydrated foods, and occasional shipments of other foods. I'm basing this all loosely on the way island economies operate - they have to be as self-sufficient as possible, particularly because bad things can happen to supply ships, yet at the same time - once islands connect and become part of the world economy, they start to develop dependencies on certain supplies like gasoline or whatever.
I have to say as much as I love OSC's books, I was finding some of the Xenocide and Children of the Mind premise hard to accept - I mean, what the heck do they eat? Descolada's running rampant, they're cut off from the rest of the universe...it bugged me, not sure why.
Meanwhile, my story is giving me an opportunity to tease out a lot of ideas about near future that I've had for a while. Fun fun fun. Now if I could only get my written notes to magically appear in my word doc...hmm, there's an idea.
I think the whole idea is pretty cool. It should be a lot of fun, especially considering the PoV. What I wouldn't have given to be on the moon when I was ten ot fifteen...
Honestly, I had a couple of problems with Xenocide and Children of the Mind, too. But, in the end, I liked the stories. God Emperor of Dune was like that for me, too. It was the one slow Dune book for me. But, when I reached the end - and when I reached the end of the series, to date - it was completely necessary, and I appreaciated it.
I live on the Maine coast. We have islanders' ancesters that rode across the ocean on ice (by covered wagon, or horse drawn sled) and were stranded when it melted.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 26, 2007).]
posted
Those of you who offered to crit, I sent out the story this evening. Let me know if you didn't get it. Thank you so much for offering, I look forward to your feedback. Posts: 1911 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Edited original to include updated 13. Here's what I'm looking for now:
Not looking for input on the 13 (wouldn't kick it out of bed, though), just need readers/critiquers of the short story. The story is hovering around 6100 words (hope to trim.) I need crits by/before Friday. Any takers? I'd be eternally grateful and would critique any story of your choice (even one of those murder and mayhem ones! LOL) later in the weekend, up to similar word length. Shop now, this deal won't last! Get them while they're hot!
OK, OK, trying to be funny when feeling just a wee bit desperate. My Wise Readers have given me some lovely ego boosting and a few specific suggestions, but I *know* the story isn't that flawless. In fact, I have a feeling where the problems are, but can't quite figure out how to fix them, sigh. The Wise Readers need some more training...
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I am toying with the idea of submitting to a contest with an early April deadline. 
