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Author Topic: The Wail of the Forest
jenniferhb
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This is the start of a story I was working on during our last vacation. Any and all feedback is welcome. Thanks.

September is Maine’s most blessed month, thought Kerry as she tossed a smooth blob of pink granite into a wide tide pool, breaking for a moment its placid reflection of a dark red sunset. September was quiet. The dinnertime noise from down the inlet at Milford Lobster Pier, so jarring in July and August, was indistinguishable now from mere wind. September was still warm in the evenings. Kerry could sit, here by the tide pools outside her door, and listen to the quiet rap slap of the sea asking the rocks for entry into the forest.
A wavering flinty glint in the wide tide pool drew Kerry to its edge. She reached into the water up to her elbow and curled her fingers around something small, square, and flat. She pulled it out and sat back on her heels. Blue sea glass. Unbelievable. It

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 20, 2007).]


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InarticulateBabbler
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quote:

September is Maine’s most blessed month, thought Kerry as she tossed a smooth blob of pink granite into a wide tide pool, breaking for a moment its placid reflection of a dark red sunset. September was quiet.[It's not the month that's quiet, it's the location] The dinnertime noise [from down the inlet<--This doesn't seem right, somehow.] at Milford Lobster Pier, so jarring in July and August, was indistinguishable now from mere wind. September was still warm in the evenings[I disagree. I live in Maine, and in late August, the temperature starts to drop at sunset.]. Kerry could sit, [This makes me feel like it changes tense-->]here by the tide pools outside her door, and listen to the quiet rap slap of the sea asking the rocks for entry into the forest.
A wavering [What is a...flinty glint?] in the wide tide pool drew Kerry to its edge. She reached into the water up to her elbow and curled her fingers around [something small, square, and flat instead of being mysterious, why don't you just say "blue sea glass"?]. She pulled it out and sat back on her heels. Blue sea glass. Unbelievable. It was rare to find any sea glass at all here on the rocks, and even rarer still to find any anywhere that was blue. Sea glass these days was all the mass-produced green, brown, and clear of bottles that had once held beer or soda. Blue was old, powerful.[This was a wordy way of saying blue sea glass is rare.]

  • Why should I care about Kerry or the blue sea glass?
  • I don't think the rarity of non-chalantly discovered blue sea glass is enough hook for me. If you can't sell me quickly in a short story, you can't sell me at all.
  • Who's PoV is this from?
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  • KayTi
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    Hi Jennifer - welcome. Hope you mean it (all feedback welcome). We eat our young here on Hatrack... just kidding.

    Meanwhile, I had an overall observation. Too many modifiers. It paints a pretty picture, but in the beginning of a story - I think it helps to have some action to suck the reader in. Dialogue does this for me as well. Might just be me. I could see an interesting hook with Kerry having more concrete thoughts - stuff like "Good heavens, I thought the O'Malleys would never leave tonight! Or, "It was a clear and quiet September night when Kerry found the blue sea glass. The night everything changed." Both my examples are quite cheesy, but I hope you get the drift.

    But back to the modifier point - in the first sentence alone, I've got a month that's blessed, granite that's pink, a blob that's smooth, a tide pool that's wide, a reflection that's placid, and a sunset that's dark red. It just felt like a lot to me, might just be me.

    Plausibilty point - if the sea is asking rocks for entry into the forest, won't it have to plow through Kerry's home first? From the first few lines, I wasn't picturing a forest running down to the waterline...not that it can't be, it just didn't make it into the mental image so the line struck me as odd.

    [This message has been edited by KayTi (edited April 20, 2007).]


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    Sara Genge
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    quote:
    September is Maine’s most blessed month, thought Kerry as she tossed a smooth blob of pink granite into a wide tide pool, breaking for a moment its placid reflection of a dark red sunset. [quote]
    Nothing obviously wrong here. I kinda like the image.

    [quote]Kerry could sit, here by the tide pools outside her door, and listen to the quiet rap slap of the sea asking the rocks for entry into the forest.


    There might be coma issues here, but you should probably get someone with a better grasp of grammar to help you with that.

    quote:
    A wavering flinty glint in the wide tide pool drew Kerry to its edge.

    Wavering flinty glint is a bit too much. Either it's flinty or wavering.

    Nice start! I like your setting and you're good at description. Way to go.


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    Amy Treadwell
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    "Maine's most blessed month"
    Why blessed? Is she religious? Is she a Shakespeare fan? This is high diction for inner monologue, unless she's a poet.

    smooth blob of pink granite...
    To me, blobs are soft. Granite would come in chunks, and then it would be pretty heavy for tossing.

    ...placid reflection of a dark red sunset.
    This has potential to set the mood and introduce tension, but as a 'placid reflection', it's too weak. If you want that dark red sunset, why not have it falling over Kerry's face? Much more evocative.

    Your overall mood in this paragraph is peaceful. That's why it's not pulling people in, imo. Also, you have lots of details piled up to say the same thing: it's peaceful. I think we get that just from the first sentence. Use the rest of the description to foreshadow or give a little characterization.

    By the way, your sentence structure (syntax) is itself peaceful. It's long and flowing. Keep that in mind as you go, because that will diminish the need for 'peaceful' details too. Also, if you want to break the peace, shorten the sentences and even add some fragments.

    Jennifer, I have to tell you, we are two peas in a pod on this writing style. I know you've got more going on in paragraph 2. Trust you details to do their job in low doses. You have the skill to bring us along with you.


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    nitewriter
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    I notice you said you wrote this during your last vacation. That could easily be guessed as it does have the ring of copy you would find in a travel brochure. We need some fire here, some plot, some tension. Everything is jus SO nice and peaceful, which is fine - unless you are writing a story and there is something at stake. You do have a flair for description, but it must be controlled - this is simply too much frosting on the cake. Keep at it as I think this start shows some real potential.
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