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I walked through the door of our apartment. The lights were off, the hall black and murky. There was music playing, something slow, a deep rhythm, slow, pulsating, pounding. I could feel the base through the floor, tickling the tips of my toes as I stepped out of my shoes on to the cold linoleum. The door clicked shut behind me, the click-clack of a pistol being cocked to fire. My fingers brushed the eggshell texture of the walls, feeling each ripple drawing me tidally down the hallway, sweeping me along. The music pounded, hypnotic and regular, then suddenly discordant, an extra beat, then another. Cymbal, high hat, squeal, moan. The bedroom door swam towards me through the dark, rising up monolithic, Wagnerian, commanding. I reached out and pushed it open, my fingers grating across the

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Jayson

What this needs, I think, is a good opening line with a good hook. Your character doesn't want anything, nor is there any anticipation of conflict.

Probably the best way to fix this is to tell us that something is amiss -- that what is happening isn't what he expects to happen. I once wrote a 1st-person story that began like this: When I arrived at Amy's, the dogs were barking like hell. That surprised me. Amy never let them outside. This isn't going to win me the Edgar award, but it works (I think) because it tells the reader that something is amiss. It compels the reader to keep reading.

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I walked through the door of our apartment. The lights were off, the hall black and murky. There was music playing, something slow, a deep rhythm, [slow<--redundant], pulsating, pounding. I could feel the [base = bass? As in music?] through the floor, tickling the tips of my toes as I stepped out of my shoes [on<--one word-->to] the cold linoleum. The door clicked shut behind me,[I heard] the click-clack of a [pistol<--how does he know that it is a pistol and not an automatic? I would go with handgun.] [being cocked to fire = cocking?].[How can he hear the cocking of a handgun - and distinguish it - when the music is so loud?] My fingers brushed the eggshell texture of the walls, feeling each ripple drawing me tidally down the hallway, sweeping me along.[<--I thought that a handgun was being cocked behind the protagonist's head? How is it that he walks down the hall, more concerned with the texture than his fate?] The music pounded, hypnotic and regular, then suddenly discordant, an extra beat, then another. Cymbal, high hat, squeal, moan. The bedroom door swam towards me through the dark, rising up monolithic, Wagnerian, commanding. I reached out and pushed it open, my fingers grating across the rough wood.[<--Choose one, the other is redundant-->] The door swung open, silent save for the rasp of my fingers across the grain. The discord became louder, the thumping more insistent and demanding, the inexorable beat of destiny unwinding. There was light, faintly. A candle, or a lamp? I couldn’t tell.[I don't buy it. Unless your protagonist is drugged - AND stupid - he would know that he's being shot. It hurts.]

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Balthasar - I oftentimes struggle with a strong opening. There is action in the very next paragraph, action that the whole of the story revolves around (it is also somewhat hinted at in this excerpt, though only in passing). Perhaps I do need to accellerate the action a little bit. I'll certainly think on that. I also chose past-tense as this scene is a past event that the protagonist is reliving. I'll attempt it in present, though, see how the effect changes.

IB - I think we have had a key miscommunication. The "click-clack" was not a literal gun, but the very specific sound that the door latch makes as it drifts shut. I used the sound of a gun to pick up the rhythm of the clicks, something easily identifiable and with a particular cadence. The gun imagery also serves to press the protagonist forward, not giving him a way to back out of what is going on behind the bedroom door. In my experience from the short time I've been here, I assume you are an astute reader and not prone to make easy mistakes. Maybe I need to rethink the use of the pistol cocking as a metaphor for the sound the door makes.

Thanks, both, for the comments.

Here's what I'd do, if I were you. Write the story. Revise the story. Then ask for readers of the complete story. It's the only way to get a solid critique.

When it's finished, I'd be happy to read it.

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IB - I think we have had a key miscommunication. The "click-clack" was not a literal gun, but the very specific sound that the door latch makes as it drifts shut. I used the sound of a gun to pick up the rhythm of the clicks, something easily identifiable and with a particular cadence. The gun imagery also serves to press the protagonist forward, not giving him a way to back out of what is going on behind the bedroom door. In my experience from the short time I've been here, I assume you are an astute reader and not prone to make easy mistakes. Maybe I need to rethink the use of the pistol cocking as a metaphor for the sound the door makes.

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In this case, IMHO, you are too metaphor-heavy. Obviously, I took you literally and the end of the thirteen lines seemed to support the theory. I believed that you had an alternate reason for his disconnection from what was happening to him. Thus, I thought that the protagonist getting shot was the hook.

So, I amend my critique on the non-existent-weapon, and agree with Balthasar, in that:

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What this needs, I think...is good hook. Your character doesn't want anything, nor is there any anticipation of conflict.

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If this is a retelling of the dream to someone(theaipist) let us know right away. If the story is the dream, so be it, but dont lead me on. Readers like suprizes, but they dont want to find out that all they have read was for naught.

Ooops, nothing really happend it has all been a dream, like Bryne's Next-Men.

Primarily, I find it lacking in a hook and an emotional connection. A hook would be some clue about what is going on. What makes this scene different from every other time he or she enters the apartment, aside from the poetic imagery. There is music, and the lights are off. I see a description of the music, but no hit about if this is unusual or not. How does he or she feel about the music?

Second, the language bothers me. It's written in first person, which generally means this is how the narrator would describe this scene to a friend (unless you setup a different frame scenario). This means the character routinely uses this kind of imagery and language. Instead of saying, "the lights were off." He or she says, "The hall was dark and murky." This is difficult for me because I don't see people describe familiar things (like their home) with that kind of imagery. Further, while people may know words like monolithic and Wagnerian, they rarely use them in casual conversation.

Now, that doesn't mean he or she cannot talk like that. I have one friend who actually does talk like that (and it annoys the heck out of me.) However, to do this, I feel the character needs to be established as someone who talks like that, and uses lots of metaphor and imagery. That or the scene needs to be framed into a context where someone might speak like that--a tale around a campfire or something like that.

That last point may not matter much in the context of the full story. You said it switches from first to third, and I don't know what exactly you have in mind for that. If it works in your story--great. This is only my impression from the opening here. If that is the case, you might want to consider planting it a little later into the story--perhaps after a third person narrative. Bear in mind that an editor often won't go past the first thirteen if he or she doesn't like them a lot. The editor might expect the whole story to look like this, surreal and dreamlike, and not continue to the next page where it snaps to third person. That is just my thought on how it looks as an opening.

EDIT: When I critique, I read and then critique--then read the other comments. I've started doing this to keep from being influenced by the other comments. Now that I've read, I see it is a dream sequence. It does have a dream-like quality. Switching from third to first might enhance that, if done well. I would definitely recommend making the dream scene a little later. I would say, hook us in the first thirteen and let us know up front that it's a dream. Personally, I think it would work better that way.

So it turns out this beginning is a dream sequence. That is what I call a twist. When you find out that the story you were buying into wasn’t real in one way or another. Twists have become unpopular, very unpopular. Some submission guidelines specifically request no twists. Of course they are referring to twist endings mostly but a twist beginning may hamper your chances just as much. IMHO it’s better to set the real scene with a nice hook.

You are describing the scene - the music, the sound of the gun - but there is no urgency here - nothing to grip me and force me to read further. (I say that reading thirteen lines of this story here - but I'm not the sort of person to put a book down because the first thirteen lines - or page or two - don't immediatly grab me. If I was, I would put most books down.)

You can still achieve a dream-like quality but I would suggest chaging some of the language, the stream of words:

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The bedroom door swam towards me through the dark, rising up monolithic, Wagnerian, commanding.

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gives it a disjointed effect rather than dream-like IMHO, unless that was the effect you intended.

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...toes as I stepped out of my shoes on to the cold linoleum

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http://www.hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-10-29.shtml

If nothing else, it's a good read.

Meanwhile, on this piece. My main points were mostly mentioned by other posters or yourself in the follow-ups. I feel like the click-clack metaphor is a little too loose. I suspected that's what you were saying at first, but I can see how one might be expecting a gun somewhere. One thing about speculative fiction readers you have to beware of - we take things LITERALLY. If you say the moon was covered in green cheese, we'll think you actually mean it. Makes writing for a spec fic audience a little challenging, though perhaps you're not - perhaps this is just standard fiction. However, many/most Hatrackers are spec fic readers/writers so, don't be alarmed at the literalism that happens.

My main other point was language choice - but it seems you've done so deliberately. Words like discordant and inexorable are nifty, but would generally not be found so close to one another in text. However, you mention the dream sequence using language that is slightly more flourished. That's fine, but I suggest being on the watch for too many uncommon words too close together.

Too many good suggestions. I'm bumping this frag and the entire dream segment to second position and starting out with the proper, third person, non-dream scene that I originally had in the second-string slot. Give me a few days to finish the piece - I'll drop a new frag, and hopefully have a full piece for distribution, if there are any interested.