Problems always came in threes, or so the old wives said. It was a shame there wasn’t any, “old wives,” Sharra could consult. They didn’t often turn up in a campaign tent, at least, not that she could see.
The girl standing in front of her, added up to a number of problems, but Sharra was too tired, and her mind, to brittle from going over tactics repeatedly, to care. The girl’s kohl rimmed eyes were streaked with dirt, and perhaps more than a few tears as she stood there. The child had finally gotten rid of the boots. Her first smart move of the week, they were at least two sizes too small. Maybe there would be some free thinking thought in that noble little head after all.
Sharra intentionally turned her back to the girl, and strode

Edited because I can't just leave well enough alone.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 19, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 19, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 19, 2007).]

quote:

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Problems always came in threes, or so the old wives said. It was a shame there wasn’t any[I don't think you need the commas around the old wives], “old wives,” Sharra could consult. They didn’t often turn up in a campaign tent, at least, not that she could see.[<--this is a little bit overkill]
The girl standing in front of her[,<--needed?] added up to a number of problems, but Sharra was too tired, and her mind, to brittle from going over tactics repeatedly, to care.[This sentence is a little wordy for me, suggest that you separate "...too tired to care..." from "...her mind was brittle from rpeatedly going over tactics."] The girl’s[Who is this girl? What's her name?] kohl rimmed eyes were streaked with dirt, and perhaps more than a few tears as she stood there. The child had finally gotten rid of the boots.[Huh?] Her first smart move of the week, they were at least two sizes too small. Maybe there would be some [free thinking thought (This is a little clunky.)] in that noble little head after all.
Sharra intentionally turned her back to the girl[,<--needed?] and strode across the crimson carpet [of on?] the tent floor. She now had a Squire to take care of whatever dirt, or worse, she tracked in.

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This may be my own weakness as a reader, but as I read the 2nd paragraph, I became confused as to how many people were involved; it was "The girl...", "The girl's..." then "The child..." (which made me wonder if it was someone else) and then eventually back to "...the girl...". I had to go back and read it again to get it straight.

I'm looking for a hook - perhaps if you expanded on what a campaign tent is (military? religious revival? political campaign?).

I also couldn't tell who the girl was and whether she was separate from Sharra and who was the child, was that another character? If they are characters who matter - give them names. If their anonymity and the way the MC treats them matter, then don't give them names, but maybe at least give them *roles*? Like the "handmaiden" or "servant girl."

Random point, Sharra is the name of a noble woman featured in some of the Fionovar Tapestry series by Guy Gavriel Kay, fantasy. Wonderful books. Not a big deal to have characters with the same name, but in case you didn't know and didn't want the association, thought I would mention it.

quote:

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Problems always came in threes, or so the old wives said. It was a shame there wasn’t any, “old wives,” Sharra could consult. They didn’t often turn up in a campaign tent, at least, not that she could see.

The girl standing in front of her, added up to a number of problems...

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I liked the humor of the "or so the old wives said...weren't any old wives Sharra could consult." However, I then expected a list of three problems that she's facing. I never get that. Either the girl counts as one problem or "a number of problems," but it doesn't fulfill the "three problems" we've been promised. Also, how the girl is a problem is never really explained. As it stands, you could cut the "old wives" sentences, and the information in contains wouldn't be missed.

I'm also having trouble determining who the girl is from the clues given. I don't understand why the boots the girl had were too small, especially if the girl is a noble. If I remember correctly, the girl is a squire, so that implies she's the daughter of an ally (i.e. not an enemy) and Sharra likely wouldn't turn her back on or trust her weapons to an enemy noble. So why didn't the girl come with correctly-sized boots and/or why didn't Sharra provide correctly sized boots for her squire?

I'm willing to wait for the answers to some of these questions, but they'd better be coming soon. I'd be more hooked, though, if the sentences that I had trouble with were deleted or we had at least one sentence in these first 13 that explained who this girl is--a spoiled brat of a noble that has been dumped on her...and why? Did she come with too-small boots because she's a lady and small feet are the fashion? Is the girl just stupid? Did Sharra deliberately give the girl boots that were too small? Or what?

I hope my long and wordy answer was helpful.