posted
Hello, This is a short story I have just finished it's in first draft mode so feel free to pull it apart. A few brief explanations Pounamu is a type a native New Zealand greenstone or jade over here they used to use to to make weapons as well as decorations. A patu is a type of flat ....uh I guess club would be a description. It has a flat rounded shape and very sharp edges so it can be used to hit someone or to slice. Generally when wielded by a professional it is a deadly weapon and when made from jade incrediably valuable. It's a bit angst so if it is too much please let me know. It is meant to be a story told by someone to someone so I do want to keep the language slightly odd, more hemingway than anything else. The first person angle was a conscious choice. thanks li
Pounamu woman
I took two neurophen after you hurt me and went to bed. I woke early the next day, not out of any particular desire to be awake but I had this thought and the thought was that I was tired of being hurt by you, by people like you. I wanted to be strong. I pulled the covers tighter round me. When you're not around this place is pretty good, it smells good too. When you're here it smells like alcohol and chemicals from the P lab you and your mates are running - the one you think I don't know about. Whatever. And while I was in bed this thought just floated into my head, I remembered that guy in the museum telling me that Pounamu was strong, stronger than steel and with an edge of it that could
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 20, 2007).]
posted
I only have time for a quick comment. You said, "It is meant to be a story told by someone to someone..." Are you planning on telling all your readers that before the story? Even knowing this, I felt uncomfortable with being accused of beating someone up which is what your use of "you" felt like you were doing. Of course, it becomes clear later that she's talking with her...boyfriend?/husband?, but that beginning was very off-putting for me.
Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
This is a tough one. Knowing what Pounamu is made all the difference - I would not have understood half of what you were saying. But (sort of like DebbieKW's comment), unless you plan to tell your reader what it is BEFORE the story starts, most of them will be lost, too. Perhaps if you worked the explanation into your text:
quote:I remembered that guy in the museum telling me that jade, that Pounamu was strong, stronger than steel and with an edge of it that could cut through anything.
This way the more widely known "jade" helps us understand.
You did not need to tell me that the MC is speaking to another person - that was obvious.
For me, the hook comes when she starts talking about praying to be Puonamu - at this point I care about the MC, want to know what's going to happen and want to read more.
BTW - looks like you're submitting 18 lines, so your submission will probably lose the last 5 lines soon, which will lose the hook when that happens.
[This message has been edited by NoTimeToThink (edited May 20, 2007).]
posted
For me, the style is the hook. I read it after lines 14 to 18 got cut off and I was hooked just fine. You don't need to justify your style--it works.
I agree that you should clarify the meaning of Pounamu within the story. Something like, "And while I was in bed this thought just floated into my head, I remembered that guy in the museum telling me that Pounamu was strong, a stone stronger than steel and with an edge of it that could[...]" Include the green bit in another line. Or something. I'm sure you'll figure it out. You seem to be a very talented writer.
posted
Thank you for all the helpful and kind comments. I am writing simply to write well, there is no market for weird and disturbing short stories in NZ. I will try out your suggestions and see what comes of it.
Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Interesting, that you're sort of blending the first and second person. It does have a very strong lead-in because of that. Remember lots of (especially speculative) magazines have online/e-mail submissions. Look at duotrope.com for markets, you may be surprised. Unless you're opposed to supporting overseas markets (0.0) in which case I'm sure you're right...though you might look anyway.
Posts: 218 | Registered: Apr 2007
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