posted
I agree. In one of my rewrites I decided to delete the last sentence of the second paragraph. Originally it read:
quote: It was quiet except for the soft drone of the air handlers, and for the first time Sarah realized that her comm unit was silent. She tapped it a couple of times, but it was as dead as she was about to be if she stayed put.
Even though I deleted that sentence, I knew this about her circumstances. I assumed the reader would know that too because they're all supposed to read my mind. I'll work on a way to work in that tension. I would be grateful for advise.
[This message has been edited by tdeveson (edited March 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by tdeveson (edited March 15, 2007).]
posted
The writing overall is very good. You have a nice variety of sentence lengths and no glaring grammar or spelling errors.
I think, however, you should begin in a different part of the story. What exists now is all description and no tension/conflict to hook the reader and keep him or her going. Did Sarah wake up because she heard something? Or did the usual noises suddenly disappear? Is there something out there that could harm her? Where do things really start to take a turn for the worse for her? As it stands, I probably would not read on.
posted
I've done something really stupid and somehow deleted the original post. Here it is:
Sarah woke with a start. She fumbled in the dark looking for her gear until her hand brushed the edge of her backpack. She pulled it toward her and rummaged inside for her flashlight.
Rubble lay everywhere and a thousand motes of dust spiraled in the light. She leaned back against the wall, playing the light beam down the length of the tunnel, while she got her bearings. It was quiet except for the soft drone of the air handlers, and for the first time Sarah realized that her comm unit was silent.
She hauled herself up, trying not to disturb any more dust, and made her way toward the main dome entrance. There, dangling by its one remaining fastener, the GenoLabs logo rocked gently over the pressure hatch.
posted
I think you need to say something about turning on the light. What happened when I read the "motes of dust" line is I said "wait a minute- she was fumbling in the dark!" Then I re-read and realized she grabbed the FLASHlight, and now the motes of dust were in the flashlight's beam.
Is the dust significant? It's mentioned in 2nd and 3rd paragraphs. If it isn't significant, you might want to skip one of the mentions. Once in 13 lines sounds like scene setting. Twice feels like groundwork laying.
The "She leaned back" sentence seems long and the "while she got her bearings" seemed too detached. Is there a way to break that into two sentences? I think the visual imagery of playing the light beam down the length of the tunnel is good, so I'm not suggesting changing anything.
I like this, it's a great start. Are you looking for readers to read more? I'd be interested, but not for a week or more.
posted
I mostly like this, too. I didn't like thinking she was in bed and then finding she was, well, I still don't know where; and I think you should tell us *immediately* what she's doing, so we can care.
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quote:Sarah woke with a start. She fumbled in the dark looking for her gear until her hand brushed the edge of her backpack. She pulled it toward her and rummaged inside for her flashlight.
My initial thought is why did she awake with a start? We can assume she doesn't normally, so it might be a good idea to give us a clue about why she awoke this way. Why is it different from when she wakes every other time in her life?
Since Sarah knows at this point, and we seem to be seeing through her eyes, I feel the reader should know by extension.
quote:Rubble lay everywhere and a thousand motes of dust spiraled in the light.
The word "everywhere," did not do much for me. I won't say it's bad or needs to be changed, but if you can find a better word, I suggest using it. In addition, I think "a thousands motes of dust" would work well as just "motes of dust spiraled"
Towards the end, I wasn't sure why she didn't want to disturb more dust. Did she just want to stay clean? Or would that cause something to happen?
To hook the reader, I think it would go back to the first point I made. If we know why she's doing this, we will care for her and be interested in the result. Did a sound wake her? Was it the silent comm unit?
If you're looking for readers, I will be happy to read. However, I must warn that I have a tight schedule for two more weeks. (After that, I hope to do more critiquing here). It may take me a few days to get a response back.
posted
This is an interesting start, but what startled her awake? I was shocked by the dust dancing in the light, since it was dark, but then I realized she must have turned on the light. Is she in bed, or has she been unconscious after an explosion or what? I think we need to see where she is and whether she was asleep or unconscious (the rubble made me think she might have been knocked out). If she was unconscious, she'd wake up moaning and holding her head (perhaps) which would give us a clue that she was knocked out. From the sound of her surroundings, I can't imagine why she'd be willing to sleep in dusty rubble - she'd be sneezing from the dust, or having trouble breathing, perhaps, if she's really inside a wrecked bunker (or whatever). Show me some more physical reactions to establish the "where" and "why" about this character as well as what condition she's in.
Looks like the start of an interesting story - good luck with it!
posted
I thought it sounded interesting. I liked the 'thousand motes of dust;'it felt more unique to me. I also like what I know about the MC so far, just the right measure of resourcefulness. Maybe tell what woke her? A crash, or something falling on her? Also, what genre is it? I would read it if you still want people to and of cource if I can figure out how to get your email (please excuse the newbie).
Posts: 39 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I liked what you've written so far as well. Though I agree with the others about some things being slightly unclear, but would have to read the rest to know if this is actually an issue. It has a good solid feel to it as though you have really visualised the scene. I wouldn't play to much with the language you have used because I think it works well just clarify that she is in the dark initially...maybe "she woke with a start. She rubbed the grit out of her eyes and peered round trying to make out anything in the pitch black of the... well anyway your story at the end of the day and you will know how best to stay with your original concept. all the best lianne
Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I loved this opening. It felt tight and polished. I immediately felt I could see Sarah and her predicament. Great intro. One question- is she escaping a collapse of the tunnel? If so, would she check for injuries or be surprized she's unhurt? Good luck with this!
Posts: 23 | Registered: Apr 2007
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