posted
Story is still in progress...developing nicely - I think. Is the beginning strong enough, interesting? Based on a quote from Robert E Howard..All fled - all done, so lift me on the pyre; the feast is over, and the lamps expire.
Huen stared across the charred land and broken buildings. Bodies of his men festered in the hot sun and the ravens were feasting on their brave flesh. The rest of his men fled, ran from battle and from their King. His kingdom was in ruins; he leaned over the edge of the tower and pondered jumping. He wondered what he had done to deserve such a fate, a tear trailed down his weathered cheek.
“Ready to end it all, Huen?” asked a gruff voice. “Well I won’t stop you. In fact I hope you do."
Huen turned to see who had spoken to him; it was Kiln, leader of the Saurids. He drew his sword and took a challenging step towards Kiln. He despised the lizard humanoids, they were nothing more than ravenous vermin – feeding, destroying everything. They had no
I did have a problem with "lizard humanoids" - I can't really picture that. Scaly humanoids? Maybe could use more of a description.
"...feasting on their brave flesh." Think this could be revised and made more clear. Before they died these men may have been brave, but having died, they are only dead flesh.
posted
Um, I believe that "fester" is generally used to describe wounds gone bad on living beings rather than rotting dead bodies. I also found "brave flesh" odd, since living humans and animals can be brave, but flesh (especially dead flesh) generally isn't considered so.
quote:"The rest of his men fled..."
Did you mean that this is happening as he watched? If so, shouldn't he be calling out a rallying cry instead of considering jumping from the building?
quote:He wondered what he had done to deserve such a fate, a tear trailed down his weathered cheek.
I'd suggest putting in a period instead of a comma and making the second part a new sentence. Actually, maybe you could put the tear first, and then the reason.
So far, Huen sounds like a pretty wimpy king since he's standing on a tower feeling sorry for himself instead of standing down on the battleground and trying to rally his troops and fight. [BTW, I originally thought he was down there with the troops until you surprised me by telling me he was on a tower.]
posted
Nice start. I can pick right up into the story and sympathize with the defeated king. I also get the distinction between the brave dead and cowards who ran. The taunt and start of swordplay would certainly lead me turn past the first page.
I'll echo nitewriter's points about brave flesh - maybe 'brave dead' - and about the lizard humanoids. I usually think of sentient beings descended from lizards as distinct from humanoids which has the connotation of descent from mammals. These are both small things that don't put me off, though.
posted
In response to an earlier comment, the first sentence tells you that the POV character is looking down on the battlefield from above. Also, I think "brave flesh" is ok. Given that Howard is your inspiration, you could get even a bit more poetic.
As for the tears, they are fine, and highlight character. Alexander the Great frequently wept when he addressed his troops. The idea that it is not manly to cry is very modern.
On the other hand, "Humanoid" is a science fiction word, and the name of the alien race doesn't work, either. Also, I get the strong impression that this is a "man who learns better" story, in which the hero learns the good qualities of at least some lizzards. How about "dragon men" for the alien race?
posted
Rich, I'm assuming (perhaps incorrectly) that you're referring to my comments. So: No, the first sentence does not tell us that we're looking down from a tower. To quote:
quote:Huen stared across the charred land and broken buildings.
Granted, I'm picturing buildings razed to the ground, but one can look across these things while on the ground. If he looked down on them, I'd have a better idea that he was up high.
Second, I never said to get rid of the tear or stated that was what made me think of him wimpy. The tear is fine if he's mourning his kingdom. However, it was his clear 'poor me' tone ("He wondered what he had done to deserve such a fate") when the battle was apparently breaking below him ("The rest of his men fled, ran from battle and from their King") and his doing nothing about it that made me think of him as wimpy. All TMan1969 has to do is change a word here or there and these problems disappear.
posted
Your absolutely right, Deb, I could include "down" in the beginning just to clarify he is on top of something. I think I am developing a better image of the lizard/dragon men...visually they look human, but they have scales and talons - some of them will have wings, and their mages cast specific spells...fire, wind, earth, air...Huen, well something is definitely going to happen...God Bless Robert E Howard!
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posted
I actually thought the first 13 were good. It drew me in.
I do agree that you could work on your descriptions. Try to give us some pictures. I don't particularly think the king came across as weak or anything.
I think the problem of brave flesh isn't the line itself, its that it doesn't feel consistent with the rest of your narrative. If you go more poetic, as Rick suggests, then its OK. If you keep the rest of your prose as you are writing, then maybe you can change it up.
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