posted
Hey this is my first first thirteen lines. This story has 12937 words. It starts out a lot more creepy then it ends up. In fact it's a silly story about some cows that can talk. It's meant for the younger folk.
It took a long time for Milt’s eyes to adjust to the dimness of the barn. The place reeked of stagnant manure, and Milt inhaled it like a chief would a peace pipe. His boots sliced manure crust as he limped across the barn toward the hay. In it lay a newborn calf. Its eyes were shut, limbs stretched stiff, and its white coat glistened with half frozen afterbirth. Milt lifted the calf’s head and stroked the unique black line that ran across its muzzle. “Well, life’s a miracle alright – it don’t happen for all,” Milt said to himself. And it hadn’t happened for the last calf either – the calf whose grave Milt had found dug up and empty. Except for ashes.
Go ahead and give it to me! Thanks for the help.
[This message has been edited by O-Sapo (edited July 13, 2007).]
posted
Well, I'm not your target audience, but I'll give it a shot.
The last line confused me.
"the calf whose grave Milt had found dug up and empty"
Was that supposed to be "found empty?"
That would make sense to me.
It's get setting, character and even a PoV. It's got enough detail to keep me in the scene, without wasting my time. I think maybe you could tighten it a bit, chop a few words. For example, you could say "it" instead of "the place." Save a word there.
As for a hook? It's a mild hook, but a miracle cow is unique enough to me that I would turn the page. I'm not riveted, but I don't need to be riveted, right? Just hooked, and I think I am. That, and I want to know why the last cow turned to ashes.
Do you think 12,937 words is too long for the younger folk? Granted, I'm not your audience and I've never written for a young audience. I mean, they do read Harry Potter books with over 700 pages.
(By the way, I hear most editors prefer you round the word count up to the next hundred. Just call it 13,000 words.)
posted
You may be trying to do too much with the 13 lines. It is a bit confusing and I think, because they are overworked.
I'm not sure what part the manure plays in this, so why not shorten it or cut it? For me the story really starts when he finds the calf.
"...Milt inhaled it like a chief would a peace pipe." Ok, but a chief would inhale deeply - why would Milt inhale deeply?
Stagnant manure. Usually I think of water as being stagnant, not manure - there must be a better description for this. Maybe just stale manure - or since you already tell us it reeked, maybe just manure.
I would like to see the lines devoted to the calf. Also as has been mentioned, words can be cut which would give us more information in the same amount of space.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 14, 2007).]
posted
For a "silly" story aimed at a young audience, there's an awful lot of visceral detail. The diction and level of detail seem geared to an older audience (maybe I'm being condescending towards our youth). If it has some fantastic element like talking cows, it never hurts to get to that aspect right away in a short, especially for young'uns.
The idea about the exhumed cow grave sparks some interest, but I don't feel I've connected to a character yet (the POV seems distant), and it feels like maybe a story is about to begin soon (rather than feeling like a story has just started).
posted
Eww, Eww and more Eww! That reaction from the younger set can be fun for them. I think it's a good use of the free first paragraph to hook that audience. Those interested in a fantasy have to keep looking. The stillborn calf and its predecessor get close. The exhumed grave and toasted remains are even closer, but there's no supernatural element yet. I think I'd turn the page looking for something fantastic. Posts: 243 | Registered: Jul 2007
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quote: It took a long time for Milt’s eyes to adjust to the dimness of the barn. The place reeked of stagnant manure, and [Milt inhaled it like a chief would a peace pipe.<--Wierd behavior.] His [boots sliced manure crust<--Wierd phrasing. Also, you have two sentences denoting the importance of manure.] as he limped across the barn toward the hay. In it lay a newborn calf. Its eyes were shut, limbs stretched stiff, and its white coat glistened with half frozen[Why is it half-frozen?] afterbirth. Milt lifted the calf’s head and stroked the unique black line that ran across its muzzle.[Why? What's the importance of the black line?] “Well, life’s a miracle alright – it don’t happen for all[All what?],” Milt said to himself. And it hadn’t happened for the last calf either – the calf whose grave Milt had found dug up [and empty<--and found empty?]. Except for ashes.
There is a hook at the end, but I almost didn't make it to the hook. I suggest you cut the "manure" detail out -- unless it's relevant to the story (Then we need to know WHY) -- and move the last sentence into the focus.
This is clean prose and easily invokes a picture, it just needs a little focusing. After you sweep through for extraneous, unnecessary details, I'll be happy to give it a go.
[Edited to remove a comment that could be construed as insulting.]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 14, 2007).]
posted
Excellent beginning, vivid and unusual. A few suggestions.
It took a long time for Milt’s eyes to adjust to the dimness of the barn. The place reeked (if it smells good to your POV character, don't use "reeked") of stagnant manure, and Milt inhaled it like a chief would a peace pipe. His boots sliced manure crust as he limped across the barn toward the hay. In it lay a newborn calf. Its eyes were shut, limbs stretched stiff, and its white coat glistened with half(hyphen)frozen afterbirth. Milt lifted the calf’s head and stroked the unique black line that ran across its muzzle. “Well, life’s a miracle alright – it don’t happen for all,” Milt said to himself. And(OMIT) it hadn’t happened for the last calf(COMMA?) either – the calf whose grave (a buried calf does not constitute a grave) Milt had found dug up and empty. Except for ashes. (You need more here, this is unclear. You do know that it takes a lot of heat to turn a body into ash.)
I think you've got a good start, and something that under the much lighter censorship that YA books are subject to today, a story that could sell. Not for 6 year olds, but ok for 12.
posted
Most of the points that I noticed have been brought up already, like why use the word 'reeked' if he likes the smell of manure? Why breath deeply if he doesn't? How can manure be stagnant? While not always true, most birthing stalls/areas would be filled with straw, not hay. Hay is valuable and wouldn't be used for bedding or left were the animals could dirty it. Also, most birthing stalls would be clean of manure so that the newborn or mother didn't get an infection from unsanitary conditions. That might depend on the time period this occurs in, though. Also, if the afterbirth is half-frozen as in, it's cold out, then the manure isn't going to reek much, anyway. Cold cuts down the odor.
An ash-filled grave is a good hook, but I'm wanting to know soon why he dug it back up in the first place. Also, it's standard practice even today to just toss the carcass out on the back 40 and let the animals eat it (though this is technically illegal in some states now). Unless he's required to by law, it seems strange that he took the extra effort to dig a hole and bury it. Again, this detail depends on the time period. I'm also sure that you have a good explanation for this in the story.
posted
I also wondered why he dug the first animal back up. May not be room in the 1-13, but it would be a good detail to cover. Young'uns can be clever thinking of that kind of stuff, too.
Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Hey, you guys had wonderful suggestions. I'm excited about the new information. I'll do a rewrite and post it in a bit. Thanks for all the help.
[This message has been edited by O-Sapo (edited July 14, 2007).]
posted
Here's a second go at it. I moved them from the barn to a field.I've hurt my little head trying to figure how to get the ashes thing in sooner.Tell me if I did any better--or if I didn't tell me too, of course. Thanks for the help.
It was dead. The newborn calf that had been breathing a half hour ago now lay with its eyes closed and limbs stretched stiff.That made for two dead cows in a week. Milt didn’t want to bury the calf. No, not after what happened to the last dead cow. The last one Milt had buried in a back field, only to return later and discover that something had dug up the grave. It was empty except for ashes. The autumn chill of the early morning seeped through Milt’s wranglers as he decided on what to do with the body. His wife wouldn't let him just leave it in the field. She was funny that way. Milt took in a deep breath; the smell of manure usually calmed him, but this time it didn’t do much.
posted
Not so much of the 'Eww' factor. The barn scene also got way inside Milt's mind. This version seems more distant.
I got from the first one that Milt did not dig up the first dead cow. This one is more clear, especially that the new calf wasn't stillborn. I think it's still too light. The dug-up, toasted cow is the mystery and the scifi element of the story - the hook.
The last paragraph seems like a re-start. It backed me away from the mystery before I could connect with it. I kept me from being hooked.
posted
I agree with JeffBarton. This is "cow light". It really needs to be amped up. Since there is only 13 lines, I don't know where you are going with this story, but it might help to read about and maybe use some of the facts surrounding documented cattle mutilations - some of which are fascinating and creepy. Just a thought. That something would dig up the grave does not arouse much curiosity since an animal could have done that - you need something more poignant. I think you could trim words so that there is more information in the same space which would give it more of a sense of urgency. I am curious as to what is going on, but I could be much more curious.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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