posted
This is a short story I have been working on. It is about 3700 words and I would really appreciate anyone willing to review it for me. I am considering expanding this into a novel. Let me know if you would like to see more.
I guess looking back now, I should have known something was different. There was a more distant look in her eyes and that little smile came less often. The puzzled look on her face would often express its’ own question of “Where am I?” or “What am I suppose to be doing?” The eyes were no longer the mirrors to the soul but the mirrors to an empty space, a dark hole. She appeared to be isolating herself from everyone and I believe that she was aware of her confusion. In hindsight, it appears that she was desperately in a denial stage and thought that she could hide what was happening by distancing herself from us.
posted
Why are we kept at a distance from this girl? The 13 lines read as though they could have well been written in the notes of a therapist she was seeing. The problem with that is that we are also relegated to being an observer, rather than a participant, in this story. Instead of explaining this, why not convey it through interactions with this girl in situations and conversations that make it clear she is going through a drastic change?
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Every beginning writer has to write about the breakup of a relationship. Write yours and then move on. There's no hook here.
A word for word:
I guess looking back now,(NO COMMA) I should have known something was different. (WHY START BY LOOKING BACK. START AT THE MOMENT HE REALIZES SOMETHING IS WRONG.) There was a more distant look in her eyes and that little smile came less often. (IF HE NOTICED THIS, THEN HE DID KNOW SOMETHING WAS DIFFERENT) The puzzled look on her face would often express its’(NO APOSTROPHE) own question of “Where am I?” or “What am I suppose to be doing?” The eyes were no longer the mirrors to the soul but the mirrors to an empty space, a dark hole (MIRRORS REFLECT, DARK HOLES DON'T). She appeared to be isolating herself from everyone and I believe that she was aware of her confusion. (SO ASK, ALREADY) In hindsight, it appears that she was desperately in a denial stage (AVOID PSYCHOBABBLE) and thought that she could hide what was happening by distancing herself from us.
quote:I guess looking back now, I should have known something was different. There was a more distant look in her eyes and that little smile came less often.
I want to know who "she" is, and a name is an easy way to let the reader get close. "I guess" sounds verbose and uncertain to me. The opening would work starting from "I should..."
"More distant" implies there was distance before. You could just say "a distant look".
quote:The puzzled look on her face would often express its’ own question of “Where am I?” or “What am I suppose to be doing?”
I think the correct use of its and it's is important. I've heard many writers and editors claim it as a pet peeve, if they are incorrect. In brief:
it's = "it is" ONLY
its = possessive form of it ONLY
its' != anything (it doesn't exist)
I'm not aware of any other form of its/it's
quote:The eyes were no longer the mirrors to the soul but the mirrors to an empty space, a dark hole.
Typically, the eyes are called windows to the soul, not mirrors. As Rick noted, mirrors reflect. Nothing here is being reflected.
"empty space" and "dark hole" are redundant. This felt like repetition to me.
quote: She appeared to be isolating herself from everyone and I believe that she was aware of her confusion. In hindsight, it appears that she was desperately in a denial stage and thought that she could hide what was happening by distancing herself from us."
I think "appeared to be", "it appears" weaken this paragraph. "In hindsight" weakened it for me, too.
I agree that it sounds like a distant analysis.
Overall, I have no sense of setting. I have not sense of character, or even of a Point of View to see the world or "her" from. I do not feel hooked. If I knew what "she" meant to a Point of View character, I might feel hooked. Despite what sounds like a tragedy, I find no emotion in the snippet. Since the narrator doesn't seem to care, why should I?
posted
It reads like a second paragraph, a folow up to the opening hook that is yet to be put in place. We need to know a little more about what happened and to whom.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions. I can tell that I missed the mark and I am going to rework this and hopefully the next time it will have a hook and what is going on will not be a mystery.
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Hello, I realize you're reworking it now, so I hope this isn't too late. I just wanted to mention that there are a whole lot of abstractions introduced there and that could be why we felt so distant from the girl, etc. I agree with some of the other posters... start the moment the MC realizes there's something wrong and have some action in there or an anecdote once you get past the first 13 lines. Good luck!
posted
Beechwriter, don't feel bad. It's a really common problem. So common, in fact, that wbriggs (haven't seen him around lately, but an astute critiquer) devoted a thread to it: Just Tell Me.
Posts: 671 | Registered: May 2006
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