"Cause and Effect"

The sun had just passed its highest point over Rome when the strange vessel made its descent onto the barren field. If anyone had seen it, they might have thought it to be a chariot of the gods or some other supernatural thing; but even if someone had been present at the field, there was no chance that they would have been able to see a cloaked ship.
It was just the way the vessel's two occupants wanted it to be.
"Finally," Ben Carter grumbled, standing up and stretching his tired muscles. "I was getting to the verge of insanity, sitting down for over twelve hours doing nothing. And this cursed tunic itches something terrible! They gave us 28th-century weapons; you'd think that we could at least have brought conventional underwear."

FYI If you want to send e-mail to me, let me know so I can put you on my white list (aggressive spam filter) or else I may not get your e-mails.

Over all, it caught my interest, largely because I love all things about ancient Rome, and a time travel story taking place in Rome seems pretty cool. Also, the touch of humor at the end made me interested. It gives me a good clue that one of the characters, at least, is going to have a sardonic view of the world, which is always fun.

I was confused by the reference of the sun passing over Rome, but then the ship landing onto a barren field. Some sort of wheat field outside of Rome? I wasn't sure where we are in reference to Rome. Also, the contradiction didn't quite work for me. If someone had seen it it would look like a chariot, but it's cloaked, so no one can see it, so why mention what it might look like at all if no one can see it anyway? It felt a bit contrived and misleading to speculate on something that's an impossibility anyway.

I like Ben's attitude, but his dialogue felt a bit unnatural and stilted to me, almost expository, partly because it's so long. Do we need to know they've been there for 12 hours? If so, I'd consider cutting that bit, since, presumably, it's common knowledge to both occupants, so why would one point it out to the other? Also, it's pretty obvious by the cloaked spaceship that they are from the future, or at least from a different planet, either of which would be made clearer later in the story, so I wondered if you even needed the reference to 28th century weapons--again, it just felt a bit forced to me.

I'd be interested in reading more. If you want me to, send it along to ibitsy at gmail dot com.

But none of this is vivid or captivating or original. Where is this field -- on which side of the Tiber? Where in relationship to the seven hills? Is it beyond the cemeteries that surrounded Rome? Why the reference to the sun? Does the cloaked ship cast a shadow?

Then, in the second paragraph, who are these people? Why should we be interested in them? If they knew they were going to be trapped in a time machine for twelve hours, why didn't they bring a book to read?

Anyway...I had no problem with the opening sentence but the second sentence seemed muddled to me, I think the best way to got there would be either to stick to the cloaking idea (does the air shimmer around the ship? Do the leaves flutter as it speeds past?) or maybe have some ancient Roman actually see the ship and think it's a chariot of the gods, mentioning the chariots and then saying nobody could see it anyway read a bit confusingly for me.

I liked Ben too, seems an interesting character though I did think the dialogue was a bit stilted - "getting to the verge of insanity" would maybe be better as "going crazy" or something, also mentioning the 28th century seemed slightly forced, would somebody recreating the battle of Gettysburg say they forgot to take their 21st century watch off?

Ben’s dialog drops a lot of information on us all at once and has the flavor of a dump. It still leaves questions. The answers may not be worth space in the first 13, but they should follow soon. Who is the second occupant? Do they have a mission that would form or lead to conflict, as if time travel to Rome wasn’t enough? Does time travel take time – 12 hours?

By the way, about the 12 hour thing, the reason it took that amount of time was because they didn't warp in directly over Rome. They did the time warp in America (where they had been in the 28th century), and traveled to Rome via "conventional" propulsion (and please don't ask me about the specs for the time machine; since I destroy it in the first chapter, I didn't deem a description of it important).

As for a mission and other stuff, well you'll just have to ask me for the rest of it to find out (it's in Chapter 1, but not in the 13s).

The "chariot of the gods" bit was an appeal to the setting of the story. Since it doesn't seem to be hitting the way I thought it would, I'll change it when I next get to this story.

[This message has been edited by Josh Anthony (edited August 05, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Josh Anthony (edited August 05, 2007).]

The sun had just passed its highest point over Rome when the cloaked vessel made its descent onto the barren field. If anyone had been present in the field, they would have been startled by the roar of the stabilization thrusters as they lowered the invisible ship gently to the ground; but no one was in the field at the time of the landing.

It was just the way the vessel's two occupants wanted it to be.

"Finally," Ben Carter grumbled, standing up and stretching his tired muscles. "I'm glad we're only doing this once."

"You've said that every minute of the six hour trip between America and Rome," grumbled Max Hephalough, the man in the adjacent chair.

[This message has been edited by Josh Anthony (edited August 06, 2007).]