posted
Well I had a trip to Idaho/Montana/Wyoming recently and this is partly inspired by all of the awesome geology there and the thermal activity (paint-pots). I don't have the whole story yet, but can get working on it if folks are interested. I hope this is 13 lines, I think so...:-)
Des’ree slid her fingers over the dust-covered glass clearing a barred view of burgundy desert twilight. The phone booth had a dinky yellow light that lit up the glass and dust like a cloudy gem. One thing though, the phone didn’t work. She felt like feeding it a bullet since it’d been so hungry for her last coin. With her horse scared off after a scalding slip in the paint-pots, Des’ree had little choice but to wait for Trent and the second dawn that would fight off the new dark cold.
There was a pile of man in the dust with limbs unpredictably reaching and clutching for more sky, less ground. Wind churned around his mouth trying to coat his throat with dust. Trent would have closed it if his nose weren’t broken.
Nobody is more interested in your story than you are! If you have one inside, go ahead and get it out. I'm sure that knowing that you have a completed story will get a larger rise out of the Hatrack community, too.
You have some nice initial imagery -- I especially like "There was a pile of man in the dust" -- but no momentum yet.
If you hadn't mentioned paint pots in your introduction, I wouldn't have known what they are, and thus wouldn't have understood the reference to the horse's "scalding slip". If you're looking to write something that gets published in a non-specialist forum, you might consider avoiding that.
Did you change points of view in paragraph two, from Des'ree to Trent? If so, please reconsider; I don't know enough about Des'ree or her goals yet to make it worth changing to another person's POV.
What are Des'ree's goals? I see that she's frustrated, but by what? Consider reading the thread, "Just Tell Me".
I think that overall, I like the voice, but I need a clearer picture of what's happening or why to really want to read more.
posted
I was thrown off by what seems to be a change in perspective from one paragraph to another. Especially since one character is thinking about the other, and then suddenly we're in that guy's head. I feel some tension, and your details are vivid, but the confusion bumped it off my mental track, so I'm not sure exactly what's going on.
Posts: 32 | Registered: Nov 2006
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posted
Thanks for the guidance! I was going for a 3rd person omnipotent POV, but I realize it's way too soon in the story to have both characters in the first 13 lines. I wasn't really sure where I was going with this honestly, I just had some strong images in my head. I've got a better idea, thanks to your comments, as to what the story needs.
posted
Not sure what's going on with the phone booth and the cowgirl. I don't like Des'ree's name, I generally despise names with apostrophe's on them. Other than that, it sounds interesting enough to keep reading.
Posts: 657 | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I agree with previous posters - watch the POV switch, imagery is nice but not always apparent to an outsider. Here are some nits:
first line - you need a comma in there...right? She's sliding her fingers over the glass, clearing a barred (huh?) view...
The word "dinky" with phone booth light just felt out of place with the language you're using. Try small, little, a more often-used word. You mention dust in the first and second sentence, then again in the first and second sentences of the second paragraph. I get that it's dusty, but is the dust significant for any other reason? Perhaps there are other ways to communicate the same point without the word repetition. Or even switch it from a noun to an adjective - "lit up the dusty glass..."
Hope this helps! I know how it feels to have inspiration from an event or location take you over and MAKE you write. Keep writing.
A year ago I would have completely discouraged the POV switch. I've never seen an amateur do it well, and, until recently, I don't remember seeing it done by a professional at all. They switch between scenes--but not within a scene.
However, Toni Morrison is a master at this, and if you want to read a work that does it so that you can strive for it yourself, I would suggest reading her book Beloved. It is a very strange story, and the subject matter can be somewhat painful, but it is a great example of how it can be done.
That being said, switching in the first 13 might be a little much even for Toni Morrison.
posted
Not a terrible vacation at ALL, Zero. I'm crazy about the outdoors and the Yellowstone area has some of the most unique geology in the WORLD. The geysers etc actually make for a really alien-looking landscape.
Anyhow thanks so much for all the advice and for the reading suggestion. Definitely going to work on it some more.
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Keep writing.
