posted
This is from my growing stack of half-finisheds. I'm hoping to write a contemporary noir. My main challenge is to maintain the bleak atmosphere required by the genre and yet inject enough humanity and twisted hope to make it readable.
"Nora shifted into third, but the engine still growled and ground its mechanical teeth.
She struggled to remember all the things gone wrong with her own car in the long ago time when life was normal.Torn belts. Dried up fluids.
She should have paid attention before jacking Giorgio's Fiesta and selling off his stash.A good hundred miles of the four hundred miles north still lay ahead of her. She should have made sure everything was in apple pie order. Should have gotten all her little ducks in a row. She shook her head and bit her tongue, cutting off the spiral of panic that would stop her cold. "
So far you have given us a woman who has stolen a car and is on a long drive - nothing to really make me want to read on. Maybe if you lost the part about what had gone wrong with her own car in the past, something we could do without knowing, and get into the reason she is beginning to panic (I'm guessing that is the main hook).
And one thing that totally lost me - "gotten all her little ducks in a row" not sure if that was literal or an Americanism or what.
Apart from those couple of nits I thought the writing was good, good luck with it
posted
Thanks! The "ducks in a row" is an annoying cliche, like "apple pie order". Nora suffers from all sorts of compulsions, one of which is that she gets stuck on these meaningless phrases when stress is overcoming her. I agree that the line about her own car could go. Much more about her old life surfaces very shortly.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
It sounds like an interesting story. You are right, though, in thinking you need to give the reader a reason to care about your character. Maybe a country bumpkin wanders by. Your character treats him respectfully. He helps her fix the car. The important point is, something human needs to happen.
I have a challenge for you, HauntedShirley. It sounds like you are avoiding rejection by not finishing stories. I challenge you to finish this story before starting another one.
posted
Rick, you may be right! My acceptance rate has been dismal in the past few years and even though I write primarily because I love to, it does wear me down.
Your challenge may be just what I need to get this one done. Thanks so much.
posted
I think the second and third paragraph could be combined.
The clichés didn't work for me, but I can see myself ignoring them until I realized it was a compulsion and not you, the writer. Then, I might swallow them easier. I wonder if even a "she thought" tag would have helped me out there--just a little prompt to clarify that this is her thoughts, in my mind.
I like the tone and the writing seems decent to me.
I might read a little farther, but I'm looking for a reason to like this lady. She robbed a place, but she could still be human and likable. I'd be waiting to find out. If she's not, I'd probably stop reading.
Another thing that I feel it needs, is urgency. If she's being chased, mention it. If she'll suffer consequences if she's late, be sure to let the reader know that soon, too. I think conflict is always a winner.
quote: Nora shifted into third, but the engine still growled and ground its mechanical teeth.
She struggled to remember all the things gone wrong with her own car in the long ago time when life was normal[How is life abnormal?].Torn belts. Dried up fluids.
She should have paid attention before jacking Giorgio's[Who's Giorgio?] Fiesta and selling off his stash. A good hundred miles of the four hundred miles north[To where? Why is she heading north?] still lay ahead of her. She should have made sure everything was in [apple pie<--made me pause and go, "apple pie?"] order. Should have gotten all her little ducks in a row[Cliche. And I'd rather know the what she should have gotten in order, than the tone of cliche she thinks in.]. She shook her head and bit her tongue[Was she speaking to someone, or did you mean literally?], cutting off the spiral of panic that would stop her cold.
Remember: Frequent Speculative Fiction readers are likely to take what you write literally.
However, I like the voice, though the "tough girl" takes a bit to come through.
I'd advise considering if this is the best place to begin in the story. When you -- in the third paragraph -- mention taking Giorio's car, I was thinking that if you started with the when she took his car, or the why she took it and ran, you would have a good hook and be telling us a lot about who she is and who he is.
posted
Thank you lehollis and IB for the comments and practical suggestions. I may just get this story into gear yet!
Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
