posted
First thirteen of a cyber-punk SF short. Just crits on these thirteen for now, I'll ask for readers when I've finished the story.
There is some language.
“You should keep a diary, darling,” said the old lady behind the counter. “It’ll help you discover who you really are, keep track of those emotions. It helped me, you know, when I was having hormone problems during...” her voice dropped to a whisper, “menopause”. I held my snark. The morning sunlight seeped in through the dirty panes and I focused on the dust floating around in circles. It was not a good moment to blow my top right there in her <i>mignone</i> trash store. Who did she think I was, a lost teenager who had suddenly decided to dye himself blue and slap on tights and a pixie haircut? No amount of scientific evidence will convince people like her that pixies are emotionally volatile by nature. That’s how we’re meant to be. We wouldn’t
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 25, 2007).]
posted
Hmmm... interesting. Here's a few quick thoughts.
1. Your choice of snark trips me up each and every time I read through that sentence. I'm a strong proponent of using the first word that comes to mind because it's usually closer to the mark than anything else you could cogitate up (and there's always something else), but in this case, I'd break out the thesaurus and find something else.
2. If you word your after is mignon (adj., small and pretty; delicately pretty), then I'm slightly confused. How can you have small and pretty trash? Or is the store small and pretty, but the products are trash? Or vice versa? If mignone actually is the word you're going after, then you've lost me and you'll need to explain it a little better. I'm hardly a linguaphile, but I'm also not quite the densest person you'll ever meet and this stumps me.
3. Why is he focusing on the swirling dust motes? Are you just having your character mention a pretty setting detail because it's a pretty setting detail? Or is he focusing on them as a way of channeling his frustration at the old woman, distracting himself so that he doesn't knock her silly with azure fists of fury? Maybe a little more insight into this particular detail.
4. Okay, so your pixie is a little pissy. Terrific. I'm not getting the poit of where this is even remotely headed to, and now that Harry Potter is done with, I've had about enough teenage angst for one year.
Were I an editor, I don't know that I'd read further. Your prose is solid and interesting though not gobsmackingly outstanding, but the whiny teenage voice of your pixie is turning me off. Technically very solid though - you've cleared that hurdle in street shoes.
posted
It's a solid opening that I would keep reading if there were more. It's too soon to say whether or not the pixie's attitude is going to be a problem, but I could see where it would wear thin after a while. My only suggestion is to break it up into smaller bites; as one monster paragraph it's too much.
___suggested breaks___
“You should keep a diary, darling,” said the old lady behind the counter. “It’ll help you discover who you really are, keep track of those emotions. It helped me, you know, when I was having hormone problems during...” her voice dropped to a whisper, “menopause”.
I held my snark. The morning sunlight seeped in through the dirty panes and I focused on the dust floating around in circles. It was not a good moment to blow my top right there in her <i>mignone</i> trash store.
Who did she think I was, a lost teenager who had suddenly decided to dye himself blue and slap on tights and a pixie haircut? No amount of scientific evidence will convince people like her that pixies are emotionally volatile by nature. That’s how we’re meant to be.
[This message has been edited by Edmund (edited September 25, 2007).]
posted
The previous commenters have made some excellent points. My biggest problem was the line "I held my snark." Being that he's a pixie, my mind couldn't help imaging a snark in this case as some kind of small animal with a long snout. I knew what you really meant, but I think 'smirk' or 'snicker' would flow better here. Also, I agree about the use of the word 'mignone'. I speak French, so I know what it means, but anyone who doesn't won't get the joke. Fancy words are good, but only in small doses and only if there's a good chance that most readers (and editors) understand them. My suggestion would be to replace it with 'cutesy.' Hope that helps!
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----------------------- “You pixies should all keep diaries, darling,” said the old lady behind the counter. “It’ll help you discover who you really are, keep track of those emotions. Test-tube blues, isn't that what they call them? Keeping a diary helped me, you know, when I was having hormone problems during...” her voice dropped to a whisper, “menopause”. I bit back a comment. The morning sunlight seeped in through the dirty panes and I focused on the dust floating around in circles. Sometimes, the small details are all that keeps you from exploding. It was not a good moment to blow my top right, not with Mina missing. Who did she think I was, a lost teenager who had suddenly decided to dye himself blue and slap on tights and a pixie --------------------------------------
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 27, 2007).]
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