posted
A modern techno-fantasy, approx. 3,500 words, but I may make it longer.
-------- Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too. The flesh grew sick with the mind, until only the lightest footprints of a human being survived. So they grew for him the parts of a new body in their gardens of weird science and threaded him together with electricity and mojo. Bolted the pieces together, welded them, fused and melded them, on steel tables; under knives and lasers and complicated computers; using perfect mathematics and perfect pentagrams; unlocking the secrets of reality and fantasy in the place where they met. With the drugs they gave him for blood they bolted his mind back together too, as best they could. Recycled, the whole worked, even if the output was different.
But the ceiling was so shiny when he awoke, the first
posted
I like a great deal of this. I enjoy how science and religion is mixed in an intricate and involved way, where pentagrams are as important as mathematics. I like the feeling that your MC knows that things are different and the similar at the same time.
I question a bit of the vague psychological literary bent taking place, though. "Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too. The flesh grew sick with the mind, until only the lightest footprints of a human being survived." What is this supposed to mean? Are you trying to say something important, like your MC went crazy before he died and was reborn? Or are you trying to make a point about the significant role the mind and body play with each other, only to have it obscured by much word-wrangling?
I also revolt against starting that last line with but. Your initial tone is more mature, but that but kind of takes a step back from that.
I don't know that these points are deal breakers - I'd certainly read on, and if the explaination of the mind issue is explained in the very near future, I might be able to live and let live. Just on the basis of these 13, though, I'd prefer a little more clairity.
Thanks for your comments. Yes, the 'mind' issue is a big part of the story. Basically, the MC has no memories when he awakens, and he is unsure who he is. I envisioned that he went mad first, then his body suffered because of this, until something unknown happened and he died. It's never revealed in the story who he is, what he did or why he went mad, but there are suggestions.
That last line runs onto:
'But the ceiling was so shiny when he awoke, the first time that he could remember, he nearly lost his mind again.'
I wanted to set the second paragraph up in contradiction to the promise of the first, for a little conflict.
Would you like me to send you the full story? The first half has been edited much more than the latter half, however, so it's really the last bit that needs the most work.
posted
First of all, I love the title. That in itself made me want to read--something in the contrast between a garden and automatons.
Anyway, I had similar confusions as Jayson. I didn't understand the second sentence at all. I like the concept of their patching him together with "electricity and mojo". I thought the rest of that para got a little repetitive.
I wondered about the "But" as well. It almost read like a little kid protesting, as in "but the ceiling is so _shiny!_" though I don't really know why I had such a strong reaction.
anyway, if you're looking for readers, send it my way!
posted
The second sentence had me confused too. A lot of it did But in a good way - a body cracked? They bolted him together? He had drugs for blood? And they can bolt his mind together?
All the above would have me reading on and wanting to know more.
I had no problem with the but at the beginning of the second paragraph but the second sentence did lose me a little.
posted
Surprising, which to me is the best quality to be found in SF.
quote:Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too.
You're going for a bizzare way of explaining this which "matches" the state of the MC's mind. However, this may be looking for a weird way of saying something easy. How about: "His body cracked not long after his mind broke." It still has the weird poetic quality of your first sentence and it doesn't end in a clumsy preposition. Also, there's a simetry to the phrase that might be interesting.
quote:So they grew for him the parts of a new body in their gardens of weird science and threaded him together with electricity and mojo.
The "they" is confusing. If you don't want to say "doctors", go for all out weird and say "the others". "They" is too often used in hand-waving ("noises" one makes during writing to avoid giving explanations"). If you're going to hand-wave, hand-wave all the way: make these "they" a complex, misterious, comploting group of scary people. "The others", "The Elders", "The Government" etc.
I love the mojo part.
quote:Bolted the pieces together, welded them, fused and melded them, on steel tables; under knives and lasers and complicated computers; using perfect mathematics and perfect pentagrams; unlocking the secrets of reality and fantasy in the place where they met.
What a strange way to start a phrase. In English, I think you have to repeat the subject after a fullstop. Another opportunity to insert crazy details about the "they" to bring the reader in with weird stuff. "The little green men bolted the pieces together..." I object to "complicated computers" because, again, it's an easy handwaving technique. Just say "computers". Nobody understands them anyway, so they must be "complicated".
quote:Recycled, the whole worked, even if the output was different.
Output makes me think of androids. I like it.
quote:But the ceiling was so shiny when he awoke, the first
Nice, I kind of like the "but".
In general: you have complex language. It drags the reader in, but if the rest of the story is like this, it might be a bit hard to read. If you keep using these techniques to spice up the story here and there, it'll work better.
"Long after his mind broke, his body cracked too."
and Sara's comment suggesting,
'How about: "His body cracked not long after his mind broke." It still has the weird poetic quality of your first sentence and it doesn't end in a clumsy preposition.'
'Too' is an adverb and it's ok at the end of the sentence. The Longman English Dictionary explicitly defines 'too' as "used at the end of a sentence or clause to mean 'also' ". Had it been a 'to' it would have been a preposition, and wrong.
(Although interestingly, the dictionary says that 'to' can be an adverb too: 'The wind blew the door to.')
posted
Wow, this was a really interesting piece. I don't have much to add, but I wanted to point out that for me, it read like a poem. You might want to think about that...there is a syllable repetition you have going, a cadence, a rhythm...it's really lovely. If you look at it as a poem, there's probably a few things you might tweak, drop, emphasize, etc. - but not much.
posted
Wow! Thanks, there are some really useful comments here. I'm currently working on a second draft of the story. Anyone who wants to see this draft once it's typed up (around tomorrow afternoon), then let me know and I'll email it out.
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But in a good way - a body cracked? They bolted him together? He had drugs for blood? And they can bolt his mind together? 
