"Where are we going?" she answered to the wide awake one.
"We're on our way to New Orleans to join a dance troupe."

"No, I've never been there. There are dancers coming from all over. If we're good enough we'll go on tour," she smiled.

"Oh, you hope to see me on TV? Yea if we're ever on, you could look for my name in the credits. - Jenny Gusinct."

"Are you from here? No? Well, I come from Ohio but I live

Would any one of you who has been kind enough to read my l3 be willing to read the rest? About 820 words. chyrrel
[This message has been edited by chyrrelo (edited September 27, 2007).]

You're hair under 13, but here goes. Also, it might help to post genre, and an indication of whether you're looking for readers, and the total word count.

I'm not hooked. First, I don't feel grounded in POV, the scene lacks characterization and any kind of emotional context. There's no conflict as far as I can tell, except maybe the cantankerous old ladies, but we're not given enough information about them to make sense of the situation, either.

My suggestion--slow down. Think about who your main character is, and think about the effect your words have on your audience. In these early sentences, the reader is looking for clues as to what the story is and who the story is about. They're looking for a character to focus on, and a setting.

A line by line:

A beautiful By whose estimation? Who's looking at her and making this judgment? We're not grounded in any POV. girl appeared Now, if this were fantasy or sci fi, I'd take this literally. I'd still like to know who's watching her to see her appear. in the isle By the title and events following I'm pretty sure you mean "aisle". But notice you haven't even indicated we're in a plane yet--we could easily by on an isle. , wisps of red hair showing under a black stocking cap whick "which"? Maybe a good idea to run Spell Check. almost covered her eyes.
"Excuse me. May I sit in that middle seat? I'm still feeling ungrounded. Who the heck is she talking to? I had hoped to sit with my girlfriend." She said to the two old ladies on either side of the empty seat, glancing at the girl coming in I'm confused here--two old ladies sitting between an empty seat--where's the girl friend sitting? . When neither offered to move she plunked herself into the seat.
"We're on our way to New Orleans to join a dance troupe" Who's talking? I assume it's her, but at this point, I'm pretty lost. Also, you're missing a period.

"No, I've never been there. Wait, who's talking now? There's a break, indicating someone else is talking. Is just talking to herself? Some characterization would really help with this. There are dancers coming from all over. If we're good enough we'll go on tour." She enthused Are you meaning she said these words in an enthusiastic matter? If so, I'd say make it clear she's happy through her words, or through her mannerisms, and stick to "she said" .

First, dialog should finish with a comma and the tag starts lower case. For example, "Excuse me. May I ... sit with my girlfriend," she said to the two old ladies ... This may sound like picky formailty, and since we do all make mistakes, in crits we can forgive them - up to a point. As written, it's hard to read; if readers are going to read further, it needs to be easy to read.

Second, she wants to sit with her girlfriend yet asks to sit in the middle seat. No wonder they don't move, it's vacant. (Mind, the one in the aisle seat would probably need to move to let her in.) And, this is Southwest, can't she sit where she likes? Why not just find a couple of empty, adjacent seats?

I could not follow the last few lines, she seems either to be having a conversation with herself, or the old ladies are asking her questions we can't hear.

At the back of my mind I'm wondering if this is scifi, fantasy or horror, and whether this is pre- or post-Katrina New Orleans.

Better yet is to make a new post at the bottom of the thread with all spelling and grammar errors fixed, plus any suggestions from other Hatrackers that you chose to accept.

I AM THE LITTLE OLD LADY WHO IS NEVER REALLY HEARD IN THIS STORY. I GUESS THE GENRE IS MEMOIR.

Ahhh . . . that seems pretty tricky. It might help to give more hints in the beginning so that the reader won't be constantly trying to turn your monolog into a dialog.

If you are the, uh hmm, seasoned citizen who is never heard, then perhaps you should be the POV character, even though you don't speak. I don't know if I've seen that done before. Until I read your note, I assumed that the POV was omni (or perhaps the girl's/third-person). It may be easier to use first person/past, even though you don't speak verbally. By doing this, you become the anchor and can use non-verbal clues to keep reminding the reader who's speaking. For example:

"Excuse me. May I sit in that middle seat?" said the first girl. "I had hoped to sit with my girlfriend." She pointed towards the beautiful girl entering the plane.

I shrugged and the other passenger said nothing. The girl threw her duffle [duffel] bag down and plunked into the seat.

"Where are we going?" she said, in answer to my question. "We're on our way to New Orleans to join a dance troupe" . . . "No, I've never been there. There are dancers coming from all over. If we're good enough we'll go on tour." She smiled.

The girl was quite talkative. "Do you like modern dance?" she asked.