___

One minute Simon Mayhew had been sound asleep, dreaming that someone was violently shaking him. The next he awoke to the sight of the Abyss Valley rushing up at him and realized that the shaking was actually turbulence from his one-man Pobjoy air
hopper going down in a nose-first power dive.

Adrenaline flushed through his system. What…? How…?

No. Simon shook his head violently from side to side. This was no time for panic.

In fact, as he assessed the situation through his curved windscreen he saw that there was no need for panic; his beetle-shaped air hopper was still more than five hundred meters above the ground. Plenty of time to right his ship.

But where, he reprimanded himself, did he get off falling

[This message has been edited by Edmund (edited September 25, 2007).]

quote:

---

One second ago Simon Mayhew had been sound asleep, dreaming that someone was violently shaking him. Now he woke to the sight of the red and yellow sandstone cliffs of the Abyss Valley rushing past him, rushing upward as a giant blur of bold colors, and he realized that the shaking was turbulence from his one-man Pobjoy air hopper in a nose-first power dive.

---

I was wondering why you don't start one second ago instead of telling use what happened one second ago. For example, "Simon Mayhew was sound asleep, dreaming that someone was violently shaking him. He woke to the sight of..." That will put the reader more immediately into the situation. Your second sentence is so long that it's difficult for me to feel the urgency of the situation because it took so long to process. I'd suggest cutting the color description of the cliff since it's currently a blurr. I also don't think he'd have time to think about the colors. You can add in those details later if they're important. So the edit would leave something like:

quote:

---

Mayhew was sound asleep, dreaming that someone was violently shaking him. He woke to the sight of the cliffs of the Abyss Valley rushing past him in a blur. The shaking that woke him was turbulence from his one-man Pobjoy air hopper in a nose-first power dive.

---

I also cut the long sentence into two sentences to help increase the tension level for the reader.

quote:

---

Adrenaline flushed through his system. Where? How? What…?

No.

Simon’s mind seized on that word – no! - even as he shook his head violently from side to side. This was no time for panic.

---

I'd prefer to see him take some useful action toward saving the situation--like jerking the control to right the air hopper--instead learning every last detail of his mental reaction to this. In fact, if he's an experienced pilot, I'd think that he's automatically act to fix the situation even before he had time to think much of anything. Also, you named the valley and the problem in the second sentence, so why is he thinking "where?" and "what"? Maybe cut this down to:

quote:

---

Adrenaline flushed through his system. What? How?

He shook his head violently from side to side. This was no time for panic.

---

I'd still like to see him do some action at this point to correct the situation.

quote:

---

In fact, as he assessed the situation through his curved windscreen he immediately saw that there was no need for panic; his beetle-shaped air hopper was still more than five hundred meters above the ground. Plenty of time to right his ship.

But where, he reprimanded himself, did he get off falling asleep at the controls like that when Ginger was still missing?

---

"Assessed" personally gives me the impression that he took his grand old time about thoroughly analyzing the situation, which isn't what I'd expect from someone in a nose-dive toward the ground. In the first paragraph, you tell us the details about his location and situation that he saw when he woke up, so why does he now "immediately" see that there's no need for panic? Why didn't he see this immediately after the second sentence? Also, why is he just sitting around thinking, "Ah, no need to panic! Plenty of time to right the ship. I'm a bad boy for falling asleep like that <*splat*>" instead of actually going ahead and righting the ship? How about cutting this down to:

quote:

---

Through his curved windscreen, he could see that he was still more than five hundred meters above the ground. He pulled on the control and felt his air hopper pull up and level off. How could he fall asleep at the controls like that when Ginger was still missing?

---

Hope this helped.

I have a little plausibility problem in that he recognized the red and yellow sandstone cliffs of the valley rushing past him as a blur of colors. Even with adrenaline, which will have me on my feet and moving in the middle of the night before I know why, I generally am quite cloudy-headed. I would expect action first (hands seized the controls) before the inner dialogue. I'm laughing as I recall that I have several times found myself up and walking out the bedroom door because one of the kids called urgently in the middle of the night, only realizing maybe when I get to the doorframe (2-3 seconds into my awakening) where I am and what the heck I'm doing up walking around in the middle of the night.

I think it would be more plausible to see him take an action to get out of the nose dive, while doing the mental checking of where he is, why is he in this tailspin. If you want to up the stakes, make it hard for him to regain control, watching the altimeter tick off the distance to the ground or a computerized voice announce an alert.

From a technical standpoint, it looks clean and sparkly. Someone else will point out the dreaded use of an adverb or two (I *like* my adverbs!) and the idea that a story that starts with the MC waking up is a bit cliche, but hey - like I said, I'll leave that up to someone else. Those aren't things that get in the way of my enjoyment.

One minute Simon Mayhew had been sound asleep, dreaming that someone was violently shaking him. The next he awoke to the sight of the Abyss Valley rushing up at him and realized that the shaking was actually turbulence from his one-man Pobjoy air hopper going down in a nose-first power dive.

Adrenaline flushed through his system. What…? How…?

No. Simon shook his head violently from side to side in order to clear his head. This was no time for panic.

In fact, as he assessed the situation through his windscreen he saw that there was no need for panic; his beetle-shaped air hopper was still more than five hundred meters above the ground. Noting that the hopper had now rotated past the point where its nose was aimed straight down, Simon pushed the stick

[This message has been edited by Edmund (edited September 25, 2007).]

"...he saw there was no need to panic." and "Plenty of time to right his ship." Now as a reader my thought will be ok, he is not in a panic, and he has plenty of time to right his ship. Minimum of tension. No conflict. At that point I turn to another story that offers a real sense of danger. This is just too tame. You've got a situation here that really has the potential to keep a reader riveted to the story - make the most of it.

Put him into a situation where he sees the ground coming at him fast - where he is in an all out panic and he has no idea if he can pull out of it or not. Make him sweat and shake from terror. Maybe he hyperventilates and gets dizzy - feels consciousness slipping away. There is alot that could be done with this scene. Whatever you do, don't even hint that everything is, or will be, all right.