posted
This story is roughly 1,100 words long and is in need of critique, ideas, and thoughts.
Here are the first two paragraphs (thirteen lines breaks into the middle of the third paragraph, so yeah. . .)
The world spoke to him. He listened. It whispered softly of sun laced days, where all that mattered were blue skies and the wind. It tickled his ear and murmured of a time where all that seemed meaningful was how many moments a person spent with people he called friends. How much time he spent smiling.
The world spoke to him—in such a way that no others could hear—and in these talks he learned how to be happy. He learned that, in the end, everything would rust and burn. He learned that nothing beyond his love for others actually mattered. He was told about the delusions of grandeur Humanity held for itself—the way they so blindly followed a path that lead them nowhere.
[This message has been edited by MotherSky (edited September 23, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by MotherSky (edited September 23, 2007).]
posted
They are very pretty lines, and the image of spirituality the convey very powerful. However, I get little sense of the character (don't even know his name) and little sense of a story evolving, since all of these points are written as statements, and don't imply any movement forward. I probably would not be inclined to read on.
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posted
It is poetic, but it didn't grab my interest. I don't know who "him" is, so it's hard to find a character to sympathize with. There's no action. The world speaking to him is all in the past, it seems.
A "here and now" might give me something to care about.
posted
Hmmm... I liked the first paragraph quite a lot, but the second one jarred a bit. Maybe I'm looking too hard for conflict here; perhaps in so many stories (at least in mine!) the search for happiness is key, so once he found it, it felt almost like an ending to me.
Here's how I'd do the second paragraph:
quote:The world spoke to him, and he learned that, in the end, everything would rust and burn. He learned that nothing beyond his love for others actually mattered. [/b]It told him[/b] about the delusions of grandeur Humanity held for itself—the way they so blindly followed a path that lead them nowhere.
IMO, it works to take out the line that he learned to be happy because it puts the focus on the importance of his love for others. I'm not sure I'm hooked, but I am curious enough to want to read on. Feel free to send it my way.
"The world spoke to him-in such a way that no others could here" - here I want to know how the world is speaking to him, I think that could be a hook in itself, showing how the world speaks to him, at the moment it seems you're kind of shying away from showing that which makes me worry for the rest of the story.
People above have complained about the lack of characterization for the MC, though that doesn't really bother me, at the moment I'm more interested in "the world" though unfortunately I think this is where this beginning is lacking, in what the world actually has to say - I don't see anything new there, we all should love each other and Humanity has delusions of grandeur, understandable that the world would have such concerns but I don't feel the urge to read on as I think these themes are being done to death at the moment.
Also, the world has already showed the MC how to be happy, so I can't see the potential for any conflict in the story.
posted
A short story needs to get us sucked in quickly, particularly one so short. Is there conflict coming? Can you promote it so that from the very beginning of the story we readers have something to worry about? Then you can transition into this more poetic portrayal of the world/MC dialogue or exchange.
Nits - I think it should be sun-laced. The "It tickled his ear" sentence is pretty long and a little hard to put my head around. Can it be broken up? Maybe just lose the "all that seemed meaningful" clause, which is the trickiest part of the sentenec I think. I find the juxtapositioning of "in the end everythign would rust and burn" and "learned how to be happy" intriguing. I wonder why a character would think that. Can you get me into the MC's head to understand?
In short, a little roadmap would be helpful in this story - or, as I mentioned, get us started off in the pot already boiling, then come back to ruminate on how the world and the MC talk.
posted
I think part of the problem is I did not include the entire first thirteen lines. I didn't want to break up the third paragraph like that. Maybe I made an error in that caution. If you'd like the rest of the story, just ask. Forgive me for my. . .mistake.
posted
I like the poetic voice, and the vagueness is okay by me, at least for now. But I agree with the others who say that some conflict should to come soon. I'd be happy to read the rest (and provide more detailed nitpicks). Jon. Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2007
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