The edge of the known galaxy is dirty place. Nothing shines on backwater worlds. Nothing except the greedy eyes of beings who want money so desperately that they'll do anything at all to get it. Everyone can be bought here. Everyone has their price, and out here in the fringe those prices are dirt cheap...

quote:

---

Basically I sort of need to know if this idea goes anywhere? Is it worth making into a longer story?

---

I found this somewhat intriguing, though the concept of the seedy black market world in space has been done, many times, so I'd want something early on to show me what's special about this one that would make me want to read on. Right now, there's no conflict or tension being hinted at, besides the fact that Malachi thinks the bar is dirty and stinks. Well, we already got that the edge of the galaxy where he is is dirty. I think you could edit some of this and introduce the story a bit earlier. I think a big thing that's missing is why Malachi is there. This is something I'd want to know early on.

Nits:

The edge of the known galaxy is adirty place. Nothing shines on backwater worlds. Nothing except the greedy eyes of beings who want money so desperately that they'll do anything at all to get it.I found this a bit awkward. Maybe "Nothing but the greedy eyes of beings who'd do anything for a few credits." Everyone "Anyone"?can be bought here. Everyone has their price, and out here repetitive use of "here"in the fringe those prices are dirt cheap... I found the ellipses to be a little cheesy.

Malachi I feel I come across characters in space operas named "Malachi" somewhat frequently--don't know, it has a familiar feel to it. Bible names crop up a lot, and unless you have a specific reason for using it, I'd suggest you pick another name, since it feels rather cliche. At worst, it's rather close to "Mal" of Firefly, a milieu and theme which feel similar to this story.was exhaling"exhaled" is tighter. the smoke from his lungs, brown eyes focused on the burning end the cigarette he held between the first two fingers of his left hand. The booth where he sat was dark, because he'd blown out the candle on the table. Not because he enjoyed the shadows, but because whatever passed for candle wax on this dingy, slime pit of a world smelled like burning tar Two sentences just to tell us he'd blown out his candle because it stank. Is it that important? It disgusted him, this place.The transition here felt a bit rough to me. I want to know more about why it disgusted him, but the next sentence seems to wander off into a general description of the bar. The rest of the bar around Malachi was dim, with only a few other patrons quietly enduring their drinks.

Edited to fix, ahem, a typo.

I'm not sure anyone can say whether or not you have a story from these 13 lines. The purpose of this forum is to help make sure that you have a beginning of a story that hooks the reader to continue reading the rest.

On that basis, I would say you have a good beginning. The writing is vivid and lucid, and the character and setting are well-drawn. There are other elements that could be in the beginning, but if you have a couple or three of them done well, IMHO, you have a beginning.

(Oh, and there is a word missing in the first sentence.)

Maybe if you try writing a 750-word synopsis instead of a 750 story (without worry about how well it reads) maybe you'll have the bases for a larger story.

As for the avoidance of the cheese factor, I can only thank you Annepin. I'll take what you said to heart.

I thought this opening was interesting enough, though it felt a little distant to me.

"Beings" stopped me in my tracks - what kind of beings are they, why do their eyes shine so much. From this, I kind of got the impression they were some kind of monsters lurking in the dark - but then I wondered why they would want money so badly.

In the second paragraph I think there is a problem of telling rather than showing - rather than tell us Mal was exhaling smoke from his lungs, I thought it might be a more effective scene-setter to show us this. Same with the candle, I thought you could have shown us tendrils of smoke still rising from the candle, or something like that anyway.

I think you might be able to tighten up the prose a little aswell - do we really need to know which fingers he's holding the cigarette in?

And I'd also like to see some sign of coming conflict or at least where the story is headed - who is Mal? Why should we care if he doesn't like the bar? Just something to draw the reader in a little more quickly.

quote:

---

The edge of the known galaxy is a dirty place. Nothing shines on backwater worlds.

---

Those backwater worlds must be cold.

quote:

---

Nothing except the greedy eyes of beings who want money so desperately that they'll do anything at all to get it.Everyone can be bought here.

---

The first sentence is a fragment. It also doesn't explain why or how there can be money in this area?

quote:

---

Everyone has their price, and out here in the fringe comma here those prices are dirt cheap...

---

First, an ellipsis is manuscript format (as I understand it) is usually a space followed by three periods and then another space. However, if the ellipsis is at the end of a sentence, it should be four periods right after the word (no space). Someone can correct me on this if I'm wrong.

quote:

---

Malachi was exhaling the smoke from his lungs, brown eyes focused on the burning end the cigarette he held between the first two fingers of his left hand.

---

While the word doesn't make this a passive sentence (since Malachi is not receiving the action), I think it would still feel more active as "Malachi exhaled."

From his lungs--if he's exhaling, where else would the smoke come from? Readers will usually assume a human anatomy unless told otherwise.

Brown eyes, burning end of the cigarette, first two fingers of his left hand--unless these are important, they feel a little heavy to me. I would be more interested in where he is. Is he thinking about his brown eyes? Is he focused on the burning end of his cigarette, or how he's holding it? He might be, but if he isn't--skip it. Besides, we can assume his cigarette is burning and in hand, since he just exhaled smoke.

quote:

---

The booth where he sat was dark, because he'd blown out the candle on the table. Not because he enjoyed the shadows, but because whatever passed for candle wax on this dingy, slime pit of a world smelled like burning tar.

---

"Not because he enjoyed the shadows, but because ... " could be cut. I don't feel a need to know what he doesn't enjoy, but I would be interested in what he does enjoy. (Does not enjoy is different from what he dislikes.)

The smell of the candle wax is a good detail It's relevant.

quote:

---

It disgusted him, this place.

---

You're telling us he's disgusted. Is there a way you could show us through something he does? It would be stronger.

quote:

---

The rest of the bar around Malachi was dim, with only a few other patrons quietly enduring their drinks.

---

It sounds like he's looking around. Good--perhaps a sneer would show us that this place disgusts him. That would be showing us he's disgusted rather than telling us about it.

I'm not hooked. I've seen sleazy bars and backwater worlds plenty of times. He doesn't seem to fit in here and that might interest me, if the writing were strong. It will need to be a little stronger than it is to draw me in. If that is the case, I say look for ways to enhance that out-of-place theme.

Conflict would also help build tension. Is he waiting for someone? If he's just sitting there, why should we care? Hint at what is to come, and we'll care about him more.

What I'd say is: what overarching images do you get when you think of the story? What motifs come to mind? These are the things you need to look at and expand.

First off: flesh out the characters. Why are they as they are? Who are they? Who are their parents? Where were they raised? Do they like pork pies? Do they play marbles? What are their favourite colours? How old are they? Who have they loved? Why? Who do they love now, if anybody? Who are their friends? How do they dress? What are they interested in?

All of these things will help you plan your story, without even realising it. Once you know these things, they should suggest new avenues for the story to go down. Instead of saying 'He likes lentils', describe him going to the shop and listening to the dry fall of lentils from a jar into a sack. They sound like beads, don't they? How do they feel to him when he sinks his hand in?

Look at what kind of story you want this to be. Who else has written stories like this? What have they done with their storie? Did you like them? Why or why not? What would you do differently?

Writing short fragments in itself isn't a problem either. There's nothing to say you have to write a story in linear order. Just write the fragments as they come to you, in the order that they interest you, and then think about how you might weave them together. Does a pattern present itself? A plot?

If you look at some of these points, you shouldn't have any problem ;-)

I personally would omit your first little paragraph, and start with Malachi's scene. As anne mentioned, that setting's been done frequently. What's more interesting here is your character, and you can build the background of the world bit by bit from there.

It's not wrong to write from instinct and just jump in like you say you've done. Plenty of very good authors have given us newbies permission to write cruddy first drafts. Just expect it. The trick is to take the crud and turn it into something great.

As for formula, I personally feel it's good for a new writer to focus on the classic writing formulas, such as the Three Act structure or the Heroic Journey. Once you get a feel, you can expand into your own stuff more. (Not saying you should do this; just that it's okay.)