I first wrote this story a few years ago, it soon turned into a good story as I changed the plot and added new characters and continued developing my writing in general. The story is called 'Escaping Thanatos' until the story develops and I find a better name for it, last time i looked it was 4000 words. Because I haven't worked on it in about 6 months or so, I'm going back and rewriting the story to include some new elements. Besides a basic review on the story, my ability to write and any technical errors one may discover, I was hoping to get the answers to a few questions I have concerning elements of the story.

Because of the '13 line limit' on stories (and i don't know how long 13 lines are, a word count would have made more sense to me) Here is the link, the whole story so far, copyrighted I think, http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1325357

The questions-

-A meritocracy government I think is a good idea for a future world setting, however I'm not very political and don't know the possible implications of this. I imagine the world as it is now except cleaner, a wider use of developed technology and a more intelligent approach to things like education, government, merchandise, transport, etc. What would realistically happen to the world if it were ran by the intelligentsia instead those fools in power now?

-'If the meritocracy had a dark side' My limited knowledge on the subject causes me to believe that a meritocracy would be a good idea, but if such a government had a dark side... I'm thinking about a reason for 'Frank Azarel' to be in prison, if the government is so good. Failing to find a fault with 'Meritocracy' i thought a rogue government cell would do just as well as 'the gad guys'. What if Meritocracy had a dark side?

-The school setting for Aden, Hailey, Matt and Joandra is meant to look at 'school' in general, pointing out what would make school more efficient and enjoyable. What a good teacher would do to educate and discipline the students, what a bad or mean teacher would do to educate or discipline the students. I've tried to base these two types of teachers from my own experiences in high school or else the ideals i imagine would be in each teacher, however my time at school was usually more passive than rebellious so I hope to draw from others imaginations and memories for this aspect of the story. What makes a good teacher? what makes a bad teacher?

The '13 lines' is the first thirteen of your manuscript as it appears in 12pt Courier New font; it also happens to be the amount of text that fits perfectly into the text box when you make a post. Why only thirteen? [url] http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum6/HTML/000001.html [/url]

In the future it'd be good to keep to that guideline.

In any case, I've gone ahead and looked at your first 13, and below you'll find my critique as well as my comments on the questions you've asked.

quote:

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The man groaned from the sedatives as he fell to his knees inside the cell,(1) the door bared behind him.(2) ‘What did you do?’ a woman’s voice asked in the darkness, she sounded educated but foreign.(3) The man sat up against the cold steal(4) wall behind him,(5) ‘I didn’t do anything!’ he said. He groaned as he realized his forearm had been lacerated then carelessly bandaged over,(6) ‘I know everyone must say that but I really am innocent’ he paused, ‘they probably say that too, I guess there’s really nothing I can say’.(7) He couldn’t remember what had happened the last time he was conscious,(8) he clutched at his head with his good arm and tried ignoring the pain rushing back through his head. ‘I’m sure you’re innocent’ the woman said evenly, ‘You’re mocking me?’ the man

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1. Starting off with someone being thrown into a cell is good, but this isn't very well phrased. I'm not a grammar expert, but "groaned from the sedatives" at the very least reads oddly to me - like he's groaning from the sedatives, you know?

2. "Barred" is what you mean, I think. If the door is being barred as he's falling to his knees, it needs to be that the door "was barred," not just the door barred behind him, otherwise it's not moving at all.

3. Speech needs double quotations, not single. This sentence is also a comma splice. Ie, the second half needs to be its own sentence or somehow reworked into the story elsewhere. Also, the wording is potentially offensive. You say she sounded educated, but foreign, as though the two can't coexist.

4. Steel

5. You can't add a comma here and go right into speech, this needs to be a period.

6. Why does he realize this now? Did he touch it? See it? Also, same as above - the segue right into speech from action with a comma doesn't work.

7. Punctuation fixed in bold: "I know everyone must say that, but I really am innocent." He paused. "They probably say that too .I guess there’s really nothing I can say."

8. This needs to be a period.

9. Grammar/punctuation revisions: "I’m sure you’re innocent," the woman said evenly. New paragraph when a new character speaks.
"You’re mocking me?’ the man asked, offended.
"No, I believe you. It’s not that you say you're" (end 13 lines)

General comments:
Give a face and form to this 'woman's voice in the dark.' Make it clear if she's a character or just a voice from a speaker in the wall.
You need to really watch punctuation and grammar. Maybe others can recommend sources of help, but I can say that the technical aspect of writing is paramount to conveying your vision to others.
As for the scene itself, it's not too unique - sedated man claims his innocence as he's tossed in a jail cell. I'd be looking for a unique element - in setting, character, or background - fairly quickly to spice it up.

Comments on your specific questions:

Meritocracy, like many other political ideas, looks good on paper but would run into problems in real life because the intelligentsia is still comprised of individuals with individual agendas. Even if all of those agendas are supposedly 'good', they're bound to run into conflict with each other. It might not bring down the government, but you seem to be associating meritocracy with utopia. If the government heads are selected on the basis of their ability, you also still have the difficulty of interpretation by the voting public (are the abilities they tout to the masses real? Is there no corruption in campaigning, involving white lies and less-than-savoury funding sources behind the facade of merit?). There's also room for interpretation within the ranks of government peers as well, and this is bound to lead to in-fighting. It's still subject to many kinds of corruption. If you want the things you list in your setting, a merit-based government may not be as useful to that end as one might hope.

A 'good teacher' does what society wants of him or her, depending on the social norms and expectations. This has varied wildly throughout history, in both time and geographical location. Even in a fairly liberal, modern society, a teacher that's great to one student might be perceived as hellish to another, and I speak from personal experience in that. A good teacher would be a teacher that had the inspiration and drive to really educate kids, the respect in society to be rewarded for this goal, the money to live comfortably and not develop bitterness or get embroiled in union/district disputes over wages, and the education to convey the curriculum (whatever that is) to kids of all different backgrounds, learning types, and skill levels. A bad teacher would fail to do those things, and perhaps push the boundaries of incompetency and laziness on the other scale of things.

It sounds like you want this story to be a proselytizing story, pointing the finger at the government and/or school system. I would warn against doing this too transparently, especially by using utopian universal concepts. The ideas you present are worth exploring, but need more hard-nosed realism behind them, I think.

That's my two cents...more like a dollar.

[This message has been edited by Marzo (edited October 05, 2007).]

Concerning 'Meritocracy'-
I don't know if you know much about this particular government style itself, I know I don't but I can’t think of where a meritocracy has been tried before so I can only speculate on its effectiveness. I think your applying the principle of ‘meritocracy’ to the current style of government, but you have to assume that if the intelligentsia are in charge they're going to go about things smartly. In the long run, the smartest people to have in government are those who make the right decisions regardless of personal gain among other things (this would instantly turn away those with ‘an agenda’). The way I see it, working in government is suppose to be a service for the people, yet politicians make obscene amounts of money (more than anyone could possibly 'earn'). Politicians pay should be similar to jobs of equal workload, otherwise the kind of people attracted to those jobs have 'money' as their priority not the best interests of the people. They’re paid out of the taxes anyway, why is it that a politician may work 4 months of the year and get paid more than a teacher working 10 months a year and for more hours. I’m not saying to pay them a pittance but you cannot ‘earn’ hundreds of millions of dollars for yourself without scamming someone. As for deciding who to put in government, there has to be an efficient way to tell. Who needs a voting system if the person chosen is the most suited for the job (I know that sounds irresponsible and maybe even treasonous but I’m not American so I’m safe to speculate), the only people we need to vote for act as representatives for an area of people, you can’t tell me we vote for ‘everyone’ in government. Most people who vote are basing their decision on what they see on TV, the public figures we vote for put on a persona when appearing on morning shows and guest programs, if you want to know what the politicians are like then watch a senate debate, they argue, yell and point like school children and I bet that’s seldom shown on the news. And who says there has to be ‘one’ man in absolute power, if he lies to the public or steals money or is generally incompetent, fire him! If the offense was serious enough, just fire him. If it’s just a job like any other… you don’t get away with that kind of stuff where you work.

Anyway, this is fiction, it is hypothetical speculation. I may be missing a lot out, I may have even explained a bit wrong but having someone ‘genuinely intelligent for the purpose’ in power, theoretically seems to be the right move, not necessarily the one with the highest IQ or scores at university.

Marzo, you described my story as Proselytizing - ‘Convert to another faith or religion’, I’ll assume you meant ‘Convert to a particular set of ideals or mindset’ but I’m not, and I’m not trying to push the blame for all of life’s problems on certain groups either. For there to be ‘free choice’ there has to be an alternative to choose between, I’m exploring it and besides I’m not endorsing it, I’m inquiring about it. I’m exploring an idea and asking ‘The Hatracking Community’ to debate, discuss and decide whether it’s a good one or not. Shouldn’t a utopia of sorts be the highest goal of the government where societal structure and laws are concerned? I’ve got realism in mind but science fiction is about the presentation of concepts and ideas in principle not always in practice.

Concerning ‘Teaching’-
I think there’s more to ‘a good teacher’ than whether or not they follow the rules, one way of telling a good teacher (I think) is not whether they teach but if the students actually learn. I know many teachers from my own experiences in high school and it’s often the ones who do ‘what society wants of him or her’ who simply stop there and accept the idea that if the students aren’t learning or enjoying themselves it’s their own fault. I’m not saying a good teacher is supposed to be popular (except kids having fun are more likely to learn than kids who can’t enjoy class). I’m not saying that a good teacher doesn’t discipline the disruptive students (except that the punishment should fit the crime, not only in degree but in subject, motive and effect. Going outside and picking up sticks for an hour is a retarded punishment for any wrongdoing, your freeing the kid from work and encouraging bludging and misconduct, the student will hate you and rightly so).

Picture your favorite teacher (while he’s teaching you, not during lunchtime playing sport), I want him in my story, I want to describe what made them a good and effective teacher. I also want to convey what a bad teacher is, by their attitude, behavior and actions, I’m sure we could all name a few. Marzo, I’m paraphrasing but you said that a good teacher ‘had the inspiration and drive to educate kids, the money to live comfortably and not become bitter, the respect in society to be rewarded and the education to convey the curriculum to kids of all backgrounds, learning types, and skill levels.’ Marzo, this sounds like a very text book response, that doesn’t make it realistic or right. Some ideas for ‘a good teacher’ I think might be to find new and creative ways to involve and challenge individual students, defy certain conventions despite losing societies respect, teaching things not because they’re in the curriculum but because it’s something worth knowing, telling the students why what their learning is important – learning, not memorizing for the sake of grades. There should be a teacher who teaches how to learn, I’m serious, I didn’t learn that until after year 12.

The purpose of those in any kind of ‘power’ is not to sustain the current standard but to build towards a higher one, that’s the utopia I’m trying to portray in my story.

Further, intelligence, artistic talent, and cultural refinement do not guarantee moral superiority. An uneducated gang member steals beers from the 7-11. Give the same man an education, and he may con people out of millions at Enron.

Dean,

First off, I'm sorry if I offended you. That wasn't my intent at all, and if what I was trying to say wasn't expressed delicately or clearly enough, I sincerely apologize.

I was using proselytizing broadly, probably based on the 'those fools in power now' comment - I wrote my response over a period of a few hours in between other things, so admittedly my impression of your intention may have inflated and led to a knee-jerk reaction warning against a story for that purpose alone. I see that isn't your intention, so again I apologize.

I agree with some of what you've said about meritocracy, but my viewpoint as a history student prompts me to deconstruct it and analyze what impact it would have and how such a system could fail. A working system would require, as you suggest, a strict observance of funds to ensure politicians aren't milking other cash cows. And ValleyPastor brings up the problem of 'merit', again. If this is a futuristic setting, a way to tell if someone is perfect for the job might be through DNA/brain-scanning? As a side note, Wikipedia cites present-day Singapore, 19th century Finland, and the Venetian Republic as examples of meritocratic states, and all of them have caveats worth exploring. (There's some supporters of meritocratic ideals listed above, Genghis Khan and Napoleon among them, interestingly.)

My reply about teachers may be textbook, but it's what I've experienced to be mostly true. The term "good" is subjective, and will be different in the eyes of the institution the teacher works for and the students, as a group and individuals. I definitely agree with you about there needing to be a teacher who teaches how to learn. So maybe a good teacher instills a thirst for learning at the deepest level? At the higher levels, they'd push individual students to pursue their interests instead of pigeonholing them. One of my favorite teachers took us on field trips to tree farms and rivers when we studied trees and salmon. All of my favorite teachers have shared a sense of humor and the perception of their students as young adults - regardless of age - rather than little miscreants that need to be force-fed knowledge, and managed.

'Brain Scanning' or something similar might be an idea, but my primary intention for this story is to remain 'realistic', to keep the technology, the characters and the themes as close to real life as i can. This means that although I'd have fun describing 'Hover Technology' or 'Holigrams' because i don't think they are scientifically possible, i will avoid using them in this story. I hope to somehow show how some situations could be improved via subjective intelligence and wisdom concerning a certain area of expertize.

Enough about meritocracy, what did you think of the story so far? -Was the changing of 'Point of View' handled appropriately?
-Were the characters believable and interesting to follow?
-Was the narrative descriptive enough without being too wordy?
-Are you interested in where the plot will go and eager to keep reading?
-Is this to the standard of writing you would expect from a novel from your local bookstore? (Besides the punctuation)

I've got other stories I've been working on in this style, so the style of writing should probably be critiqued more than my initial impulsions towards amateur political science. Because this story is more about school and less about politics perhaps i should do away with the whole 'future government - meritocracy' idea and focus on the teaching aspect.