posted
Wasn't sure whether to post revisions in their own topic or with the original. I revised this based on feedback and would appreciate any additional feedback on the revision.
If anyone is interested, I have the first two chapters done (first is complete and second is rough).
What the hell am I doing out here? Jacobs asked himself. He sat on a high windswept hill overlooking the river valley. When he retired, he wanted to live in a place like this. Somewhere near the river so he could spend his days fishing or just gardening in a backyard plot. A few more missions and he would retire. This would be his first—actually his first paid mission. A hundred grand, he thought. Was it worth it? It was too late to back out now. Jacobs could hit a live target from 2,000 meters with a military-issue Neufeld Model 2120 sniper rifle. He had done so twenty-three times during his tour of combat duty. Twenty-three shots. Twenty-three confirmed kills.
posted
Actually – in my opinion – I think your first try was better. #1 – drop the “Jacobs asked himself” bit and give us his full name unless you have some real compelling reason not to. And be specific about what river valley. THAT’S where you can start building interest and tension. I tried to give you an idea of what I mean down below here. I just threw in specifics without regard to their fitting YOUR story.
What the hell am I doing out here?
Pete Jacobs sat on a high windswept hill overlooking the Shenandoah river valley. Below, sighted already in his ____ scope, was a ___________. Nice place. When he retired, he wanted to live in a place like this. Somewhere near a river so he could spend his days fishing or just gardening in a backyard plot.
He shifted a little in his crude hide. Pulled up a leg and _____ (something to bring the reader back from his thoughts to the here and now. Something physical that brings the reader back into Jacobs and his body)
He could hit a live target from 2,000 meters with a military-issue Neufeld Model 2120 sniper rifle. He had done so twenty-three times during his tour of combat duty. Twenty-three shots. Twenty-three confirmed kills. He ____ (something to show how he feels about the difference between that and now, paid assassin) This would be his first paid mission. A hundred grand. Was it worth it? It was too late to back out now
Is this any help?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 12, 2007).]
> Jacobs could hit a live target from 2,000 meters with a military-issue Neufeld Model 2120 sniper rifle. He had done so twenty-three times during his tour of combat duty. Twenty-three shots. Twenty-three confirmed kills.
I feel the sentence is partially redundant, in that if someone was paying you one hundred thousand dollars (seems like a lot for a contract kill) for a kill, we assume you are an expert -- you don't need to tell us so explicitly.
I would prefer:
... He shifted a little in his crude hide. Pulled up a leg and sipped from his water bottle. He moved the black SIG-Sauer rifle to one side of the tarpaulin and stretched out. It had been a similar scoped-rifle that he had used in the military -- used it to pluck the lives of twenty-three unsuspecting men. The army had trained him to take lives at two thousand metres for a hundred bucks a day, plus combat pay, of course. Now it was for serious money -- a hundred grand -- but it was nasty, complicated private work. Was it worth it? Pete frowned. It was too late to back out now.
posted
The last two sentence fragments are ok. The sentence fragment "Somewhere near the river so he could spend his days fishing or just gardening in a backyard plot." isn't.
Posts: 557 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
I think your first try was better, but I have a slightly different concept of the first thirteen than most hatrackers, so maybe you shouldn't take me all that seriously.
IMHO, the first thing should intrigue, not settle all the facts and character motivations. I'd leave the exposition for later.
quote:2000 yards is some range; have you considered the difficulties involved?
That was supposed to be the speculative part. The rifle uses a computer tied to weather instrumentation to calculate trajectory based on atmospheric conditions. It then adjusts the scope accordingly to sight the target to the path of the bullet. I saw one on Future Weapons and the guy did pretty well at 2,000 yards (may have been meters).
With only 13 lines available, I didn't make it to that part.
[This message has been edited by KPKilburn (edited November 13, 2007).]
posted
Put in him having some difficulty (?) with the computer on the rifle or something. Just a hint, a mention so the reader realizes this is not off the shelf nowcdays equipment.
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