It seems strange that Mike is looking at his watch so close to impact. Maybe you're trying to convey that this is all ho hum for him, it doesn't seem like that in what follows.

It would be nice not to have to guess what an APC is. I mean, I gather it is some kind of attack ship, but unless you have a good reason, why not spell it out the first time and use APC from then on? (Otherwise it is distracting because people think: Allylpalladium chloride dimer? No. American Presbyterian Church? No. etc...)

"The rear of the craft bounced off the edge of the building and throwing Mike" I would skip the "and"

"He was fell against his exit door..." Probably a typo. Reminds me of "all your base are belong to us."

I like "dilated open".

If the gunner had been waiting for the door to open, why shoot where Mike *was* and not where he was going to land? Or is the gunner on Mike's side and shooting at something else? Or is "the door" not the door that dilated open but a different one that opens, allowing the gunner a free path tho shoot?

I agree with Jon about the APC thing. I met an APC once. It was an armoured personnel carrier, looked like a tank without the gun turret. With tracks instead of wings it would have had enormous trouble flying into the 300th floor of a building.

I wondered about Mike's straps breaking - would he not have noticed they were worn, or whatever?

Some nit-level suggestions:

'glanced up at his timer on his heads-up' -> 'glanced up at the timer ...'

'bounced off the edge of the building and throwing' -> '... and threw ...'

'and he was fell' -> 'and he fell'

'fell out of the assault craft, sprawled face down' -> either '... craft and sprawled,' or '... craft, sprawling face down ...'

"Explosions rocked the assault craft precisely where Mike had been sitting. The gunner had been waiting for the door to open."

Surely explosions would rock the whole craft, not just the bit where he'd been sitting? And had the gunner aimed for the door or where Mike had been sitting - presumably the latter, so the sentence about the explosions isn't quite consistent. (And, I only noticed the inconsistency on second reading: on first reading I was rocking along with the action ;-)

Oh, and welcome to Hatrack!

The main concern I have with any opening (regardless of IMR) is character, setting, PoV and so forth. Hook, for me, combines aspects of all those, or none, depending.

At this point, I know very little about the lead character, so I'm not really concerned if he lives or dies. He is just a nameless soldier or mercenary to me.

Further, I don't know why they're here. I don't know why they're assaulting this building, so I'm not worried about if they win or lose the fight. They could be the bad guys, for all I know.

“Insert, insert, insert!” the pilot screamed.

Mike looked up from his timer. 0300 hours on the nose. Ahead he saw the curtain wall (?? Unclear reference) of the Davis Towers. Three hundred floors below, pederstrians scattered like ants. Mike gripped his seat arms and held himself back in the cushioned seat back. For once, an assault was kicking off on time.

The APC (again, unclear reference since this is the future, at least a little) landed hard.

[hmmm…why be so vague here? Why not describe the landing purely from Mike’s pov?
The pieces of the wall exploded past Mike’s window then he was thrown forward against the seat harness. Sparks flew by the window as the APC bounced [off the EDGE of the building? This is suddenly very confusing. I thought it penetrated the wall curtain and was screeching to a halt…. Hmm, 300 floors up, this can’t be a ground car. It’s airborne and trying to stop as it enters a floor of the building…???]

No, if they open a door and he doesn’t fall 300 floors down, that must be what I thought happened. They tore into floor 300. Stopped. How? How fast were they going? This isn’t clear and should be. If they are speeding like a helicopter, then they could stop pretty easily.

I guess I’m all tied up in exactly what is going on. You are not clear.
How does this APC stop since it’s not rolling on wheels? A jet blast forward as it screeches over the carpeted, tile, concrete flooring? You don’t a lengthy explanation. It should be obvious from what you describe happening.

I guess no-one has said an APC has to be a ground vehicle, afterall the word 'carrier' doesn't imply ground-based.

>For once an assault was kicking off on time.

Really? Seems like a bit of a unprofessional team, then, to be often late for assaults. It's not afternoon tea with the vicar, after all. Perhaps you should have it happening 3 seconds after it should, so he can comment on it being the first time it was delayed. Would seem more professional to me.

>Before Mike could answer her, the door dilated open and Mike fell out of the assault craft, sprawled face down onto the floor. Red tracers flashed overhead from a hidden heavy weapon. Explosions rocked the assault craft precisely where Mike had been sitting. The gunner had been waiting for the door to open.

I have this as being Mike's POV...but then it seems to change. Is this intentional?

Mike is face down on the floor and trace is fired over his head -- he can't see it, therefore not his POV. Same for next sentence.

How does he know what the gunner was thinking? Admittedly this could be MIke's opinion, but it doesn't read that way to me. Also Mike is doing a lot of turning to look where he was sitting, and thinking about the gunner waiting to blast them, when he should be acting.

Adam

I liked it and would read on. I like the idea of assaulting a tower high-up by crashing into the side of it and releasing troops.