Story Begins - 13 lines

"The boy opened his eyes but the room was black, he was lying on a narrow mattress and he could hear the humming of machines underneath him and the flow of cool air from a vent at his side. He felt with his left hand to the end of the mattress then off the mattress until his knuckles knocked against a cool, smooth surface like glass. He followed it with his hand, up, over and down the other side as if he was lying in a glass tube. He sat up careful not to hit his head, peering into the darkness. He stared at a fixed point, but the darkness wouldn’t clear. He knew that even in a dark room there was some light to see by if you looked hard enough, it came in through the cracks but here there were no cracks. He began to wonder where he was when he heard the consistent rumbling..."

I tried to leave the story purposefully vague in regards to the plot, careful not to reveal exactly whats going on too soon, however for the sake of help I'll have to share these secrets. The boy has just been cloned. Before he was cloned he only had one arm due to a car/bike accident, immediately after he is cloned naturally he is naked and has both his arms again. If you read the story from the link, the two men talking are important characters in the rest of the story.

I may post some more questions later but the biggest one I'm having difficulty with is 'Why Clone him'. The boy is somewhere between 10 and 13 years old, he is nothing special, why would scientists see fit to clone him? I've researched 'cloning motives' a little but none seem to easily fit into the story. why would you clone a normal, average person, a kid? and now that he is cloned, what are they going to do with him? does he have a purpose? they can't have cloned him so they can later say 'hey, we did it' what are the scientists ultimate goal? what are they aiming for by doing this? I'm kind of stuck with the stories over-all plot.

This is two short of 13 lines. Thirteen lines fills the comment box. You cut yourself short.

My take:

quote:

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"The boy opened his eyes but the room was black, he was lying on a narrow mattress and he could hear the humming of machines underneath him[,] and the flow of cool air from a vent at his side. [He felt with his left hand to the end of the mattress<--Reads wierd. then off the mattress until his knuckles knocked against a cool, smooth surface [like glass<--excess. If it was glass--and the least bit of light was present--he'd see reflections.]. He followed it with his hand, [up, over and down the other side<--suggest replacing this with: it was] as if he was lying in a glass tube. He sat up,] careful not to hit his head, peering into the darkness. He stared at a fixed point[What fixed point? It's darkness, isn't it?], but the darkness wouldn’t clear. He knew that even in a dark room there was some light to see by if you looked hard enough, it came in

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Okay. I understand your need for some ambiguity, but that's not the problem.

I don't know how "the boy" feels. I know some of what he feels, but not much. There is not enough to sell me that it has more promise on the next page. This is especially important with a short story. You have thirteen lines to convince an editor not to toss it out. If you feel the need for ambiguity or ambivilence in setting the tone, perhaps you're starting too early or late.

I took a peek (just a quick skim) at the link and discovered a few things:

1) it's copyrighted, so you cannot in the future sell it's first rights.

2) It stays ambiguous.

3) This is not where it begins; though the disembodied voices did nothing to get or keep my attention.

This has potential. You're walking on thin ice with the cliche, though. (Pun intended.) Don't feel bad, I frequently have the cliche problem, too.

Th ewriting is fairly clean, but a couple of chunks could use rewording.

Hope this helps.

Is that correct?

I thought that

a) As the author one automatically owns the copyright and that these days (in the UK and USA at least) there is no longer any need in law to add 'Copyright (c) 2007 My Name' because the law regards it as yours anyhow.

b) You can't sell first rights if you've put the whole story on a website because that's regarded as having published it for the first time.

InarticulateBabbler, thanks for sharing your concerns with this story, although you failed to answer my main question 'the motive for cloning'.

The story stays ambiguous because it is still in the beginning of the story, possibly even the prologue. the plot has not progressed to the stage where answers can be given to the questions i am deliberately setting up. I know the first part of the story from the link is not conventional writing but why should we abide by convention? I realize a hook would get the reader interested faster (and in most of my other stories i use them to great personal effect) but for the purpose of this story I'd prefer to rely on the suspense and mystery of the plot rather than a catchy first paragraph.

InarticulateBabbler, i don't know what you meant by 'the cliche', in my writing i try to retreat from cliche for realism, what exactly were you referring to? I like walking on thin ice with hot blades provided the surface doesn't break, trying out different styles and techniques is a sort of self-teaching tool as long as you don't extend yourself beyond your capabilities and I don't think I've done that yet.

A couple of comments on the website text: consider moving the the waking-up scene that you posted here ahead of the conversation between scientists, at least in part. I also think that conversation is way too long, and they don't sound professional. A scientist would not "tell"; they would inform the program manager or chief scientist, or write a status report. More likely they would only make hedged threats. "I don't think I can support this. You need to rethink this." The "telling" would occur later without further warning in the form of a private conversation with someone else. There were also a lot of run-on sentences that were distracting.

IB might have been referring to the cliche of someone being confused and floating and we learn later that it was a live birth. The SFW web site has a list of cliche stories, which includes this one. Yours isn't really a live birth (I suppose), but you might want to make this section crisp.

I'm not an IP atty, but to follow up on what IB and TaleSpinner said, I wouldn't put anymore of the story on your website. If the posted portion is a small part of the completed story you might argue that your story is not already "published," thereby relinquishing your first-publication rights. That is why Hatrack doesn't allow more than 13 lines . . . to protect your publication rights.

As far as motivations: the scientists have already expressed one of the largest: to be the first . . . That is what motivates cloning researchers now. Oh, and patent revenue. You can also look at what motivates kidnappers: to have a child to raise/nurture, to sell body parts, to have compatible body parts for one's on use, slavery . . . .

Good luck.

2) Purposely withholding information does not create plot-mystery, it creates why-should-I-read-on-mystery. Especially in a short story that has to fight off common cliches, you have to give us something to hook us; something we can follow and care about.

3) No name, no feelings, no confirmation of anything except he's a boy, lying on a matress, in a tube/the dark is not a weak hook, it's no hook at all. A hook is what makes me--and, more importantly, the editor that makes the story available to other readers--read on. Why do I want to read about him? This? If you stay ambiguous, it's going to frustrate me because you're intentionally cheating me. The result is the story is rejected (by reader and/or editor).

As to the copyright, if you publish your story, even on a non-exclusive-rights site, it is published. No one will buy the rights, because they can't get exclusivity. When a publisher purchases your work, you are selling the copyrights for said time, some--not all--publishers will purchase previously published material. However, if the site is password-protected, and not a public forum, you may still retain the right to first publication.

quote:

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That is why Hatrack doesn't allow more than 13 lines . . . to protect your publication rights.

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"The boy opened his eyes, but the room was black. He was lying on a narrow mattress. Underneath him somewhere he could hear the humming of machines. Cool air brushed his cheek from a vent at his side.

He felt to the end of the mattress with one hand, then off the mattress until his knuckles knocked against a cool, smooth surface like glass. He followed the glass with his hand, up, over and down the other side to the mattress again. He was lying in a glass tube of some sort.

He sat up careful not to hit his head. Peering into the darkness, he stared at a fixed point but the darkness wouldn’t clear. He knew that even in a dark room there was some light to see by if you looked hard enough. Light came in through the cracks. But here, there were no cracks. No light.

Where was he? He tried and couldn’t remember where had he fallen asleep last. How had he gotten here?

A slow rumbling began. It shook the mattress slightly like a vibrating bed.

Well, I had a few changes, but can you see the difference? Is it a little easier to read broken up this way?

IB was complaining about this being all cliche. Yeah. It is. The only way to save it -- I think -- is with really numinous writing. A few evocative details would go a long way toward helping that. Whispering noises that almost sound like voices echoing far down the air vent. A word, a single word. Algothim. What was it? His mind almost caught it, then the feeling faded away. It must have been important to him once.

Something for the reader to grab onto.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited November 03, 2007).]