posted
First 13 and readers of a new story, tentatively titled "Little Giants".
Thanks!
The little giant stood in the doorway, barring Hedra from entering the farmhouse. Hedra stepped back. There was no doubt in her mind that he'd rather die than allow her into his house and Hedra didn't want to kill him. Vagrant, hero, mercenary sword on her way out... she was many things, but assassin wasn't one of them. She kept eye contact with the little giant and moved slow, keeping her hands clear of her sword. A young dragon squeaked and scuttled under the giant's legs. "Damn, Roger. No!" Hedra scooped him up and handed the little giant his pet. He thanked her and sighed, retreated inside and closed the door.
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited November 11, 2007).]
quote: The little giant (Young old man? Beautifully ugly?)stood in the doorway, (barring) (and barred) Hedra from entering the farmhouse. Hedra stepped back. There was no doubt in her mind (Why? Can I know, too?)that he'd rather die than allow her into his house(,) and Hedra didn't want to kill him. Vagrant, hero, mercenary sword (on her way out...)(what does this mean? Is she growing old?) she was many things, but assassin wasn't one of them. She kept eye contact with the little giant and moved slow, keeping her hands clear of her sword. A young dragon squeaked and scuttled under the giant's legs. "Damn, Roger. No!" (who says this?) Hedra scooped him up and handed the little giant his pet. He thanked her and sighed, retreated inside and closed the door.
It seemed to start with some tension -- the little giant willing to die to stop Hedra entering the house, but then the tension seemed to fizzle out. I first imagined them to be at least a 'hostile' distance from each other but then Hedra scoops up the dragon from under the giant's legs -- so obviously right near him. Then it gets all polite and the tension/conflict seems to go.
Not really hooked, sorry.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 11, 2007).]
I think it is a bad idea to use the title in the first sentence. I'm not sure why, but it's a deal breaker for me.
Some of the writing almost works, but not quite. Here is what didn't work for me.
Vagrant, hero, (I'd reverse the order of these two words, to show a downward trend).
moved slow, (should be slowly) ("poets are people who care about death and adverbs").
"Damn, Roger. No!" add: the little giant said, a lesson I'm slowly learning in my own writing. I recently had a story rejected by Analog, at least in part because I didn't put in enough "said"s.
Hedra scooped him up (scooped up the dragon) and handed the little giant his pet.
posted
I like it: a gentleman giant farmer with pet dragons. The title leads me to believe the little giant is the MC, but I know more about Hedra (and she has a name). So I'm in a quandary about whether the little giant is the story or the little giant is Hedra's project.
She kept eye contact with the little giant and moved slow[ly], keeping her hands clear of her sword.
I didn't qet the tension in the above sentence. If she's outside and has decided to leave the little giant be, she could just turn and leave. Maybe the dragon could scuttle under Hedra's legs, instead.
posted
I didn't quite get it. Why is Hedra there? What does she want with the giant? Where's the conflict? She seems to approach wanted to step in, but why does she want to go in? And how big is a "little giant"? If he's so wary of her why does he sigh and thank her at the end? I feel like I'm missing something. I think it's her motive--I just don't understand why she's there and what she wants, and without knowing that, the tension is lost in the scene.
Some little stuff:
The little giant stood in the doorway, barring Hedra from entering the farmhouse. Hedra stepped back. There was no doubt in her mind that he'd rather die than allow her into his house and Hedra didn't want to kill him. Vagrant, hero, mercenary sword on her way out... she was many things, but assassin assassins are usually involved in a political killing, no? There didn't seem to be anything political about the giant. wasn't one of them. She kept eye contact with the little giant and moved slow"slowly", but where is she moving? What is she doing? What is her motive through here?, keeping her hands clear of her sword. A young dragon squeaked and scuttled under the giant's legs. "Damn, Roger. No!" I wasn't sure who was speaking here. Hedra scooped him up and handed the little giant his pet.Having trouble picturing this. How big is the dragon? Also, why does she decide to do this? He thanked her and sighed, retreated inside and closed the door.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 11, 2007).]
This didn't really work for me. Sorry, I guess I was reading what appears to be a children's story with adult eyes and was lost from the beginning. You mention killing in it though, which confuses me. Is it a children's story?
One thing I did like is the name "Hedra". I will usually put down a fantasy story in a heartbeat the first time I see some ridiculously long name that's impossible to pronounce because of the odd letter combinations. Hedra is memorable and only two syllables, so I like it.
Again, just my opinions.
quote:The little giant stood in the doorway, barring Hedra from entering the farmhouse.<--I'm not a fan of using "The" in the first sentence unless it's a proper name, e.g., The Little Giant. I usually like to be introduced first, then see the definite article used.
Hedra stepped back. There was no doubt in her mind that he'd rather die than allow her into his house and Hedra didn't want to kill him. <--A little awkward for me. This is where I would have expected to see "the" as in "Hedra stepped back from the little giant" or "There was no doubt in her mind that the little giant would rather die..."
Vagrant, hero, mercenary sword on her way out... she was many things, but assassin wasn't one of them. Assassin and mercenary sword seem very similar to me. Both killers, no?
She kept eye contact with the little giant and moved slow, keeping her hands clear of her sword. A young dragon squeaked and scuttled under the giant's legs. "Damn, Roger. No!" <--Kind of lost me here. Wasn't sure who said this.
Hedra scooped him up and handed the little giant his pet. <--Awkward grammar. Perhaps "Hedra scooped up the young dragon and handed him to the little giant." He thanked her and sighed, retreated inside and closed the door.<--Too many "ands" in a sentence are distracting for me. Perhaps "He thanked her, sighed, and retreated inside, closing the door.": or "He thanked her and sighed, then retreated inside, closing the door." Just my personal preference - others may not find it distracting.
posted
Agree with much of what has been said - especially the comments by annepin. The hook IMO ought to be concerned with, for the most part, a single gnawing question - i.e will the hero get there in time - will she get the love of her life - will the captain go down with the ship - that sort of thing. What you have given us here is an opening that gives us a potpourri of unanswered questions - and the questions posed are questions not of the hook variety so much as they are basic questions we need answered to understand the story and what is happening. We are left with alot of loose ends - and whatever there is in the way of a hook recedes to the background as we try to figure out the opening.
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