posted
Here's the first thirteen for another installment of my time-travelling crew. (Still in progress, so I'm not ready for readers.)
Working title: The Coming Fire Estimated word count: 6000
Mark Jacobson regretted calling the feds fifteen minutes after he hung up. They burst into the lab, eight of them. Blue suits and red ties. The professors were separated from their time travel gear and placed in separate areas of the lab. Dr. Jensen blubbered. Ronald Barth, the time machine inventor, looked like he was struggling with lye on his tongue. Dr. Glenn sat back smugly as if he had expected the invasion, and Mark fumed. They were not allowed to leave. Alvarez, the lucky devil, wasn't in.
None of them had it as badly as poor Raymond Denny, who had been accidentally whisked from his job at Oakview Mall--fourteen years in the future. Four of the suits had him surrounded and immobilized. Mark hated them for it, even though he knew the stakes involved all-out nuclear war.
posted
Since this story involves time-travel, maybe you really meant this, but "Mark Jacobson regretted calling the feds fifteen minutes after he hung up" sounds like he called the feds fifteen minutes after he hung up (on them, I'm assuming, not on someone else that you haven't named). I think what you're trying to say is that fifteen minutes after he hung up his call to the feds, he regretting making that call to them.
It may be because my mind is totally fuzzy right now, but I started skimming over all the names of people because I didn't know why I should care about what happened to them. If that sentence about why he called (and maybe another hint of why he regretted it) was moved up and used as the second sentence, I'd be more interested in what happened to the people.
quote: [Suggest: Fifteen minutes after hanging up with the feds,] Mark Jacobson regretted [it.] [calling the feds fifteen minutes after he hung up.<--[Deb was right.] [They burst into the lab, eight of them.<--I am wondering why you didn't just write: Eight agents, with b]lue suits and red ties[, burst into the lab]. [The professors<--What professors? Maybe put this sentence after the next two, before the "Dr. Glenn" sentence. What do you think?] were separated from their time travel gear and [placed<--[confined, maybe?] in separate areas of the lab. Dr. Jensen blubbered. Ronald Barth, the time machine inventor, looked like he was struggling with lye on his tongue. Dr. Glenn sat back smug[ly<--IMO - replace "ly" with a comma.] as if he had expected the invasion, and Mark fumed. They were not allowed to leave. Alvarez[Who is Alvarez? Remember those who haven't read the first one.], the lucky devil, wasn't in.
None of them had it as bad[ly<--Don't need.] as poor Raymond Denny, who had been accidentally whisked from his job[I might put the "fourteen years in the future" here.] at Oakview Mall--fourteen years in the future. Four [of the<--IMHO, ditch this and capitalize:S]uits had him surrounded and immobilized. Mark hated them for it, even though he knew the stakes involved[IMHO - either a period here and make the following a fragment, or a colon here. Pack more of a punch.] all-out nuclear war.
Good hook.
I think this is still in rough form. With a little rearranging and trimming of adverbs, it will be smooth.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 14, 2007).]
posted
I agree with what Babbler has put, but I'm not convinced by "accidentally whisked" near the end. Would somebody be "accidentally whisked?" Possibly, but for me it doesn't sound quite right, maybe:-
Using babblers version:-
None of them had it as bad as poor Raymond Denny, who had been accidentally hauled from his job fourteen years in the future
or
None of them had it as bad as poor Raymond Denny, who had been inadvertently whisked from his job fourteen years in the future.
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