New to the forum here, and looking for any interested readers to give me feedback on the opening two chapters of my first real short story, "The Search for Dane".

Let me know if you are interested, or e-mail me at bigdawgpoet@gmail.com.

Also, you might get more bites if you post your 13. I know I like to have a flavor of what's coming before I agree to read a few thousand pages. It might be a good idea to post word count, too.

So far, the piece is about 7,000 words. By the first thirteen, I assume we mean 13 sentences, correct? I hope that's a safe assumption, so here are the first thirteen. They're a little long, I think.

The sharp rap at the door of Dane’s private room caused her to jump. The bottle of perfume she had been trying with no success to unstop fell from her hands and hit the hard wood floor, where the stopper finally came loose allowing the precious liquid to spill over the floorboards.
She swore under her breath. The knock sounded again, louder and more insistent. She glared at the door. “What do you require?” she said more sharply than she had intended.
“Open the damn door, fool girl, and find out!” It was the voice of Natta – how could she mistake it? Natta’s voice always sounded several pitches too high, and raspy, as though her voice box were being pinched, stretched and dragged over a rocky beach in low tide.

quote:

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Note from Kathleen:

Nope, first 13 lines means first 13 lines, not first 13 sentences. The first 13 lines in a properly formatted manuscript (12-point courier font) are all that should show on the first page of a short story manuscript. The idea is that some editors will not turn the page if the first 13 lines don't make them want to, and they will then reject the whole manuscript without reading further.

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Now for the baddies:

quote:

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The sharp rap at the door of Dane’s private room caused her to jump. The bottle of perfume she had been trying [with no success needs some sentence structure here. I recommend "...she had been trying -- with no success -- to unstop"] to unstop fell from her hands and hit the hard wood floor, where the stopper finally came loose[,] allowing the precious liquid to spill over the floorboards.
She swore under her breath. The knock sounded again, louder and more insistent. She glared at the door. “[What do you require yikes -- too formal I think. Makes the whole thing come to a screeching halt.]?” she said more sharply than she had intended.
“Open the damn door, fool girl, and find out!” It was the voice of Natta – how could she mistake it? Natta’s voice always sounded several pitches too high, and raspy, as though her voice box were being pinched, [stretched and dragged over a rocky beach in low tide. Ack, it's a good image, but no one knows what a voice that's stretched and dragged over a rocky beach at low tide sounds like. It sounds a little brutal -- I picture a raw larynx being dragged across the ground.]
Dane had not been in Tîra long. Still, only a few days was ample time to learn what kind of woman Natta was. Immediately, she dropped her tone in subservience. “Yes, mistress. Sorry, mistress.”

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It's pretty good, and grabs my interest. Cheers
-Jay