posted
This one's a shorter one (3165 words). First 13 I've posted on this site, but don't be afraid to be honest. I welcome any and all criticism. Let me know if you're interested in reading it.
*** “Who can tell me when the Great War ended?” The young students sat quietly, with their eyes fixed downward at their metal desks. Each one knew the answer to the teacher’s question, but no one dared to raise his hand. “Michel – can you give us the correct answer?” “Um. . . 2034?” Michel maintained eye contact for only a second with the teacher, but quickly shifted his focus back to his desk. “That is correct. Now who can tell me – ” The alarm sounded. Class was over and the students exhaled as they grabbed their books and exited the classroom in a single-file line. The students had one motivation for learning the material: fear. It was fear that kept brought order to the ***
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 08, 2007).]
posted
This is mostly and info-dump. Why spell it "Michel"? It threw me whether it was a girl or a guy, until (half of a long sentence later) you hit me with "his" stuff. Even then, I don't know if it's "Michel" or "The Teacher". The concept is interesting, but explain the info through Michel's eyes. BTW - Can I get the pronunciation of that? Does the "ch" make a ch, sh, or k sound? Or am I way off?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited December 08, 2007).]
Your comments are what I feared to be the problem with the start of the story. I'll try to work on minimizing/eliminating the "background information" dump.
Michel is French. Phonetically: Mee' shell. I don't speak French, so don't quote me on it. Perhaps the name is more distraction than it is worth.
Thanks for the input.
[This message has been edited by psnede (edited December 08, 2007).]
posted
I didn't find this so info-dumpish. We learn that there was a great war and that students are afraid in class, without much fluff, and through (rather tame otherwise, I admit) our scene rather than a block description. I don't see a lot of fluff, which is nice. This isn't to say I disagree with IB's comments. Are you looking for readers of the rest of this? If so, send it. (though I'm a little behind, so it might take a little while)
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