First sentence is a little tricky - suggest using groans or pleas, maimed or injured - tighten it up a bit.

The sentence "Jupiter's free will edict..." was also a bit challenging to read. I think it is partly due to an elevated speech (high-falutin' some would say, as one would expect deities, even lesser ones, to use.) I suggest it could be reworded, but I'm not entirely sure how. I found I had to read it twice or three times to get the meaning, which is a bit much in the opening lines of a story.

Then, the goddes starts moving fast, and she's busy busy busy. I suggest moving up the urgency. Have her busy busy busy as the story opens. Then have her DO something (mop her brow, dry her hands, recharge her sceptre, you know - something) and while she's doing the something, put the dialogue with the lesser deity in there.

Meanwhile, I'm left to wonder what the lesser deity is doing while Goddess of Death is so darn busy. Is he mopping up the bloodstains or something?

Last, ogres, demons, and elves mentioned all in one sentence. I don't read a lot of fantasy, but that seemed a little gratuitous. Someone who reads more of the genre can comment better, but it seemed sort of like "oh yeah, and them too. They're in my story."

These aren't big things, in my opinion, a little reordering will likely push up the urgency and get things started off with a bang.

quote:

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The groans and pleas from the maimed and injured frayed the (name would be good, after all Jupiter has name) Goddess of Death’s nerves. “What (which?--I am unsure they both a sound right) god is responsible for this war?” she asked (name would be good, after all Jupiter has name)the lesser deity that accompanied her.
“None, the lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these lesser creatures.”
The goddess’ (her name) hands moved about to end the misery of those who needed dying. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by (on) a spear, and demons (squashed-- would prefer crushed) by clubs. Everywhere, beings begged to die. Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying mortals to service.
“Free will, another poorly thought (out) brilliant idea,” (the goddess--name) said to (her companion--name).

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I like this. The language used makes you immediately aware that it has a comedic edge.I think naming the Goddess and the companion will only add to the piece. I don't think it will subtract from the way the story unfolds.

My take:

quote:

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The [groans and pleas<--maybe "lamenting" would mix these adequately?] from the [maimed and injured<--Redundant. "Maimed" are "injured". Maybe wounded and dying?] [frayed the [Name as well as:] Goddess of Death’s nerves.<--What do you mean by "frayed...nerves"? Anger? Sorrow? Annoyance?] “What god is responsible for this war?” she asked [Name]the lesser deity that accompanied her.
“None[. T]he lesser beings started this one on their own. Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these [lesser<--Third time in three sentnces, a little redundant.] creatures.”
The goddess’ hands moved about to end the misery of [those who needed<--Maybe replace with: "the"] dying. There was an ogre with a partially severed head, an elf impaled by a spear, and demons squashed by clubs.[There was?] Everywhere, beings begged to die.[Really, most people I know would be begging to live.] Her hands never stopped. There were just too many dying [mortals<--"Dying" implicates "mortality". It would be fine without this.] to service.
“Free will, another poorly [thought<--Maybe: conceived?] brilliant[Eh? Poorly thought/brilliant?] idea,” the goddess said to her companion[Who is this? Has another entered the scene?].

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1) Whose POV?

2) Where are they? Battlefield? Hospice? Hospital?

3) Are "demons" mortal?

5) From what you have--"Jupiter’s free will edict has taken a firm hold on these lesser creatures."--it seems there is a god responsible for the battle (however indirectly).

This is an interesting idea that should be fully explored, but it seems that you have to solidify some decisions first. Cleaned up, it's a decent voice. Overall, this seems like a vignette in and of itself, not a hook--it's almost like this is explaining why "free will" is a bad idea. Why should I read on? Your Goddess of Death seems more annoyed than anything (almost as if she is put out by doing her job)--an unsympathetic character. I don't know anyone in the supporting cast. There is no promise of a conflict (problem that needs resolved) and not enough depth of character to pull me in.

Hope this helps.

Note from Kathleen: The rule is 13 lines per story, not 13 lines per post.

Critiquers do not necessarily expect you to respond with answers, but they may expect you to rewrite the text they have questioned so that the story is clearer.

If you know what questions your readers ask as they read, then you have a better idea of how your story is affecting those readers, and you can adjust your story, if necessary.