posted
I was never an angel. I really never believed in God and if I was wrong in that assumption I was seriously screwed. The whole 'God and Heaven and Hell’ thing was noteworthy for the first and last time in my life for about one and one-half seconds: Just a little longer than than it took me to notice that the back-end had just slipped out and it wasn’t coming back; no matter if steered into that skid or caressed the gas or grew wings. The car was unrecoverable skating off the black ice, the night was dark and the road was treacherous and my speed was slightly ill-advised. Still, I had a lot of miles on the odometer so I couldn't panic. *** I've thrown a few hooks... maybe more than I should have in former posts. They didn't seem to grab on so I'll try one more time before relaxing and just doing critiques for a while. Ths is an advanced-draft of about 6500 words on the 101 uses for a dead gear-head.
[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited December 01, 2007).]
posted
I like it so far. The thing that bothered me was “that the back-end had just slipped out and it wasn’t coming back” which I almost immediately figured was a reference to a car, but it wasn’t immediate. A word might fix that. And the “coming back”, too. Coming back on the road? Confusing.
Hmmm…come to think on it, the bit about a lot of miles on the odometer being a reason not to panic didn’t work for me. If this is NOT a metaphor, then I don’t know why not panic even if the car is old. If it IS a metaphor, it’s a tad confusing because you were just talking about a car and then to switch to saying the pov didn’t panic because he’s old – well, sliding on the ice on a dark night would bring panic into a pov of any age unless he’s a very skilled and experienced, say a stunt man?
posted
Assuming I mean the car's odometer, eh? I played with that a bit, substituting 'my' for 'the' speedometer and I think I just have to let the associations flow out and clarify as the theme expands.
[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited December 01, 2007).]
posted
I was never an angel. this is a good hook. Two meanings, at least
I really never believed in God and if I was wrong in that assumption I was seriously screwed. I have trouble with this construction. "in that assumption" is mis-matched with the concept of belief.
The whole 'God and Heaven and Hell’ thing was noteworthy for the first and last time in my life for about one and one-half seconds: is this really an entire sentence, with a colon here, and a semi-colon in the clause below? If so, its 62 words long. Wow. Also, I'm having trouble with the "first and last time in about one and one-half seconds." not sure what that means...
Just a little longer than than it took me to notice that the back-end had just slipped out and it wasn’t coming back; I think you should break this sentence into two. It seems more confusing as a subordinate clause. I hear what you're saying, but it needs more to hold onto. Perhaps, "When I felt the back end slip out of control, I knew it wasn't coming back on the road. It didn't matter if I steered into the skid or caressed the gas or grew wings.
The car was unrecoverable, skating off the black ice.The night was dark is there a time the night isn't dark? and the road was treacherous and my speed was slightly ill-advised.
Still, I had a lot of miles on the odometer so I couldn't panic. Sorry, I just can't figure out what this is supposed to mean.
I may read on, but it would need to get much clearer soon in order for me to continue.
Hope this helps,
T2
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 01, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 01, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 01, 2007).]
posted
I was never an angel. I never really believed in God and if I was wrong about that I was seriously screwed. This was the first and last notable theological discussion I'd had with myself in life, ever. It wasn't a very long one. I was busy. The back-end had just skidded out and my car wasn’t pulling back from disaster. Nothing I did altered that. I steered into that skid and caressed the gas and tried to wait it out. But the old Ford was unrecoverable skating off the black ice. The moonless night had cloaked the iffy road and my speed had been ill-advised. Still, I was a gear-head with a lot of miles on my odometer so I didn't panic. *** That actually reverts to a early stage before I tried to throw some terms in. I like it much better when I read through.
[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited December 01, 2007).]
posted
Everything stated here is just one person's opinion (mine) and are my thoughts as I was reading the story.
quote:I was never an angel.Alright, so what are you? This leaves open a lot of possibilities. Dwarf? Werewolf? Vampire? Demon in the non-fallen-angel sense? I'm confused by this, not hooked. I really never believed in God[,] and if I was wrong in that assumption I was seriously screwed. The whole 'God and Heaven and Hell’ thing was noteworthy for the first and last time in my life for about one and one-half seconds: Just a little longer than than Two than's? I expect you can delete one. it took me to notice that the back-end of what? had just slipped out Of where? Where are we? and it wasn’t coming back Coming back where?; no matter if steered into that skid or caressed the gas or grew wings.Ah, we're in a car, but where are we? Why is he skidding? Also, this is a very long sentence. The car was unrecoverable skating off the black ice, the night was dark and the road was treacherous and my speed was slightly ill-advised.I had a bit of trouble parsing this sentence. Perhaps you might consider breaking this sentence down into a few shorter ones (which will also help increase the tension) or remove some of the information and work it into the previous sentences to clarify things as they are described. Still, I had a lot of miles on the odometer so I couldn't panic.Not sure what miles on the odometer have to do with a person being unable to panic. Dealing with an old car that might therefore have important parts worn out and about the break would actually increase my panic in such a situation.
Personally, I think you could start with the second sentence and dump the first one. The first sentence as it doesn't really seem necessary and doesn't add any clarity (for me). In fact, it nearly stopped me reading, but that's because I expected this to be a supernatural-type story from that sentence. If the sentences were cleaned up so that the information was clear as it was presented, I'd probably read on a little more just to find out what the story is actually about.
posted
You were posting the second version at the same time I was critiquing the first one you had posted. My thoughts on the second one are: I don't like the increased wordage in the "I was never an angel....I was busy" bit in this version because is seems a bit wordy and repetitive to me when what I really want to know is why he's thinking that in the first place. The second part was much easier for me to follow and understand, though.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited December 01, 2007).]
posted
I was never an angel. I never really believed in God and if I was wrong about that I was seriously screwed. This was the first and last notable theological discussion I'd had with myself in life, ever. It wasn't a very long one. Sorry, I was busy. The back-end had just skidded out and my car wasn’t pulling back from disaster. Nothing I did altered that. I steered into that skid and caressed the gas and tried to wait out. But my old Ford was dead-set on skating off the black ice. The moonless night had cloaked the iffy road and my speed had been ill-advised. Still, I was a gear-head with a lot of miles on my odometer so I didn't panic. *** Slight changes... ty for all the input! I felt pretty good about this story when I typed the last period, but I know it needs a lot of tweaking. If you'd like to read the rest I have a proofing copy prepared. I also have four critiques to provide for other folks ASAP so make your copy demand clear, please. My attention will be a little strained...
[This message has been edited by supraturtle (edited December 01, 2007).]
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The car was unrecoverable skating off the black ice, the night was dark and the road was treacherous and my speed was slightly ill-advised.I had a bit of trouble parsing this sentence. Perhaps you might consider breaking this sentence down into a few shorter ones (which will also help increase the tension) or remove some of the information and work it into the previous sentences to clarify things as they are described. Still, I had a lot of miles on the odometer so I couldn't panic.Not sure what miles on the odometer have to do with a person being unable to panic. Dealing with an old car that might therefore have important parts worn out and about the break would actually increase my panic in such a situation.
My thoughts on the second one are: I don't like the increased wordage in the "I was never an angel....I was busy" bit in this version because is seems a bit wordy and repetitive to me when what I really want to know is why he's thinking that in the first place. The second part was much easier for me to follow and understand, though.
