posted
This is a finished first draft, so any readers who want it request the full.
Anyone else...have at it:
Bullets whipped past like angry wasps, snatching away pieces of the crumbling cinderblock wall that my brother Jerry and I used for cover. I flinched at every zing and ricochet. The brownstone behind us and the church across the rubble-strewn alley were both masses of gaping holes, as most buildings were. My heart thumped fast and hard as it climbed into my throat.
I kept Jerry behind me where he'd be safe. I let him wear Dad's old helmet, but even with the chin strap tight, Jerry had to keep lifting it up to uncover his eyes. He hadn't spoken a word in the year since Dad died. He was only seven, three whole years younger than me.
Artillery exploded in the street. I crossed my arms over my head,
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited January 02, 2008).]
posted
I realize the bolded format is intended for posting here only--nevertheless, it put me off. Maybe I'm conditioned to read bold with emphasis.
The hook here seems to be two young kids in a life-threatening situation, but I'm afraid I wasn't particularly compelled by it. You spend a lot of words describing the bullets, and I can't really see what the potential is in this story. Right now, it feels to narrowly focused--they have to stay alive and get out of there. I'd rather know where they are going, who's shooting at them, etc. I imagine all this stuff is coming shortly, but this information is more likely to make me read on than descriptions of bullets and so forth. But, that's just me. Recently I've been rejecting action-packed openings.
posted
My first thought upon reading this was to suggest re-arranging the opening sentences. Start with the second paragraph -- some people instead of bullets. I think that may catch a reader's interest a bit more strongly from the first line.
The only other thing that stuck out for me was "zing and ricochet" - the pairing just seemed, kinda trite and forced.
posted
I couldn't help thinking that there could be a really powerful scene here, two young boys cowering under a hail of gunfire. This should have us gripped straight away, fearing for the boys' lives. As it was, I thought it was too distant, concentrating more on the gunfire than what the boys are feeling.
Also, some of the language was a little off-putting, especially that first sentence, likening bullets to angry wasps somehow reduces the threat of the bullets, the danger they should represent to these kids.
posted
Bullets whipped past like angry wasps, [I have read this analogy on bullets before. I don’t think it fits. Angry wasps buzz and hover, not whip past. You could change ‘whipped’ to ‘buzzed’, but I would prefer something else entirely different. ] snatching [chipped] away pieces of the crumbling cinderblock wall that my brother Jerry and I used for cover. I flinched at every zing and ricochet. The brownstone behind us and the church across the rubble-strewn alley were both masses of gaping holes, as most buildings were. [consider cutting the last four words] My heart thumped fast and hard as it climbed into my throat. [Ugh, that last sentence is so overused that it is now cliché]
I kept Jerry behind me where he'd be safe. I let him wear Dad's old helmet, but even with the chin strap tight, Jerry had to keep lifting it up to uncover his eyes. He hadn't spoken a word in the year since Dad died. He was only seven, three whole years younger than me. Artillery exploded in the street. I crossed my arms over my head, [I don’t believe this is 13 lines. I think that first paragraph needs redone. And why weren’t these kids inside and in a shelter? Let me try on that first paragraph.]
The air sang with the sounds of angry bullets flying around us. They chipped away at the crumbling cinderblock wall that my brother and I used for cover. We flinched whenever they ricochet off the cobble-stoned street. The brownstone behind us and the church across the rubble-strewn alley were both masses of gaping holes. We should have be in the cellar, not caught out in the open…
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