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Author Topic: Light and Chaos
SilverRain
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This is an extremely short story (just under 800 words) set in the modern fantasy/alternate universe genre. It is a vignette taken from the lives of some of the characters of a novel I plan to write. As short as it is, I believe it captures part of the purpose of the novels, which is to illustrate many of the great tensions in humanity - this one being the tension of choosing what is right for someone else over what is easy for oneself.

As the nurse entered NICU, she knew she was being stalked, but she did not yet do anything to show it.

As she moved among the isolation units, rather than using the special gloves installed in each case, she reached through the plastic and touched each child directly. It was a caress of contact they were unable to otherwise receive. Some had auto-immune deficiencies, others were born with heart conditions or spina bifida. In her wake, the infants’ breathing evened and tiny muscles relaxed. With no sign of intent, she finally reached a child with even more tubes than most, his warped features betraying the semi-lobar holoprosencephaly of his birth.

Semi-lobar holoprosencephaly to this extent was a condition

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 13, 2008).]


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monstewer
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Hi and welcome to Hatrack

For such a short story I still think there are some areas where this opening could be whittled down a little.

rather than using the special gloves installed in each case - I'd have left this out, the mentioning of her reaching through the plastic and touching the child directly gives us clue enough of what is happening here.

caress of contact - "Of contact" is redundant, and if you read the sentence without it, I think it is much more powerful.

Some had auto-immune deficiencies, others were born with heart conditions or spina bifida - Is this information really necessary? I think already you have set the scene well enough that we know where we are and so automatically assume that these are ill children with various ailments, I don't think this sentence really adds anything new.

Also "infants' breathing evened" sounded odd to me, I'd change that.

And, purely personal preference, I'd have liked a little more emotion in that opening sentence, if she is so casual about being stalked then I presume she feels no danger and so any tension is immediately lost from the scene. And if she feels no danger, does that mean she knows her stalker? I'd have liked at least a little indication of where the story is going to go right there in that first sentence.

Good luck with it


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arriki
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I'm confused. Is she really reaching "through" the plastic...like a ghost? Hand right through the plastic? I found that hard to take without something more. If you didn't mean that, what did you mean?
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foxjwill
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I agree with monstewer about the opening sentence needing more emotion.

Also, don't start two consecutive paragraphs, especially short ones like this, with the same subordinating conjunction (in this case, "As she..." and "As she...").

In English, the previous paragraph basically means vary your sentence structure. (it's so much fun searching wikipedia for technical terms. ).


p.s. What's NICU?


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rickfisher
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quote:
(it's so much fun searching wikipedia for technical terms. ).

p.s. What's NICU?


These two statements are hilarious in juxtaposition, don't you think?

NICU is Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. However, I had to stop and figure that out, which you don't want the reader to have to do.

I get the impression that the stalking is supposed to be a hook. My problem is less with that sentence containing insufficient emotion as with it being immediately dropped (although I realize there's a connection between the two complaints).

Here's the thing: If it's on her mind as she goes about her business, we need to see that. If it isn't, then there's no reason to mention it in the first sentence.

I suppose that if she can reach through plastic, she probably has some pretty good defenses against stalkers--let's see, she can reach right through his pants and grab him in the. . . . And if for some reason she gets, say, knocked out and tied up, she ought to be able to pull her hands right through the bonds. Okay, I know these don't necessarily follow--the units could be made from some special plastic, rather than a power being exerted on her part (except then why would anyone use the "special gloves"?) Or maybe it's just plastic she can reach through--any kind, but if she's tied with cotton instead of polyesther, she'd be stuck. Whatever, this situation raises enough questions in the reader's mind that you can't afford to go on for long without answering them. Talking about stalkers and semi-lobar holoprosencephalies first is probably a bad idea.

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 13, 2008).]


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kings_falcon
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Having been on the NICU, I had no problem visualizing that the gloved hands were going through the openings in the "cribs" designed for that purpose. For people who haven't been on the NICU, the initials and the scene will be confusing.

You started with a great hook - someone or something is stalking her through the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. And then you lose it. If she's not concerned, why should I be??

IMHO, if you want to introduce the NICU, do it first, and then have her notice she's being stalked. OR better, yet, doing nothing about the threat (although she's worried about it) because if she stops the massage, the child will die. That would build the tension for me.

If you only have 800 words make them all count, make them all drag me into the story and build the tension.

Good luck


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snapper
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I disagree with Kings falcon. The beginning did not hook me. Lets take a look.

>As the nurse entered NICU, she knew she was being stalked, but she did not yet do anything to show it.

This is an issue of telling vs showing. This first sentence is all tell and no show. How does she know she’s being stalked and how does her mannerisms show that she isn’t showing it? Here is an idea on how you could show it.

The hair on the back of her neck bristled. She could hear the echo of unseen footsteps. It took everything she had in her not to turn and face the person tailing her. She walked with the single-minded purpose of a nurse on her rounds. Keeping her back straight she opened the door and entered the NICU.

>As [remove the as] she moved among the isolation units, [remove and replace with a period] rather than using the special gloves installed in each case, she reached through the plastic and touched each child directly. >It was a caress of < [replace period with a comma and remove those five words] contact they were unable to otherwise receive. Some had auto-immune deficiencies, others were born with heart conditions or spina bifida. In her wake, [I don’t know if wake is the right word. Reminds me of a boat cutting through the water] the infants’ breathing evened and tiny muscles relaxed. [this I liked, descriptive and shows how she effected the infants] With no sign of intent, [what do you mean by ‘no sign of intent’? Did she not intend to comfort the infants?] she finally reached a child with even more tubes than most, his warped features betraying the semi-lobar holoprosencephaly of his birth.
Semi-lobar holoprosencephaly to this extent was a condition

Hope this helps. Take care and good luck.


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LCastle
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I have two problems, beyond what's been said already:

First, you bring up the nurse being stalked in the NICU, then immediately move off of that into the description of the touching through the plastic thing, and the babies' ailments. At the beginning of paragraph 2, I'm expecting to be shown why she's ignoring the stalker. Dropping that second paragraph in there leaves me unsatisfied right off the bat. And with only 800 words, you don't have long to get me back.

Second, I think a story with these elements (stalking, sick babies) needs a much closer point-of-view. Name the nurse in the first sentence. Don't just tell us what she's doing (ignoring the stalker, touching the babies). Let us know why, and do it from her POV.

You have a really interesting setup here that could start off very powerfully (and should, given the short length), but at the moment, it seems pretty dry.

[This message has been edited by LCastle (edited January 14, 2008).]


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SilverRain
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Thanks, everyone! I'll think about this, revise and post the revision today.
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SilverRain
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[Here goes second try, minus the technical jargon. I kept NICU because it describes itself as the scene is built.]

As the nurse entered NICU, she felt a decided discomfort following her into the room. She thought she knew who stalked her, but for now she merely continued on her way. Her purpose for being here was more important than her own safety.

Moving among the isolation units, she paused at each to gently touch arms and faces, the infants’ breathing calming and tiny muscles relaxing as she passed. With no outward sign of her primary purpose, she finally reached a child with even more connected tubes than most, his warped features betraying the condition that was killing him.

His tiny form was rigid with fear as he fought against his deformity. The nurse reached through . . .


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rickfisher
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You're still doing it. She's being stalked--but let's ignore that, shall we? Here's the rule: If you're going to ignore it, don't mention it. Later on, when it's important--you can mention it then.

quote:
As the nurse entered NICU, the first time, you can say Neonatal Intensive Care Unit she felt a decided discomfort following her into the room. Only the discomfort? Not, like, a person or something? She thought she knew who stalked her, Then tell us. We're in her POV. If she knows, so should we. Also, if someone is stalking her, following her through the doors into the NICU, she ought to be pretty sure about who it is. but for now she merely continued on her way. Why? Her purpose for being here was more important than her own safety. That's not good enough. If she's actually still in serious danger, then ignoring it will probably result in her inability to do exactly what she's doing that's so important. Rather short-sighted of her.

Of course, another option is that the stalker didn't follow her in, which means she's temporarily lost them. That means that she has TWO purposes for being in the NICU; there's no issue of competing claims.

Nothing to say about the rest at this point, since by starting with the stalking, and then dropping it, the rest reads like filler.


The only other thing I have to say refers to the "discomfort" following her. Is it possible that she is being stalked by some disembodied personage? That would answer a few of my questions--but if that's the case, you've got to tell us.

You might want to keep things very close to the way you have them (depending on what the answers to my questions are), but have her, as she moves through the NICU, thinking about the stalker, be he (she? it?) corporeal or disembodied, distracting her from the important task she's at.

[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 16, 2008).]


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snapper
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Not only do I agree with Rickfisher but your still telling instead of showing.

>she felt a decided discomfort following her into the room.

What does a "decided discomfort" feel like? Show us.

>She thought she knew who stalked her,

How did she know who stalked her? Show us.

>for now she merely continued on her way.

Adding an 'ly' adverb does not improve your prose, it has the opposite effect.

It still needs work

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 16, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 16, 2008).]


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smncameron
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I agree with most of the posters above.

More than anything the opening reminds me of the terrible role playing I have so recently left behind. Realizing that you are being stalked should be a very poignant moment. Who is stalking you? Why are they after you? What should you do about it? One sentence just doesn't do the moment justice and reflects a 'get out the pertinent information as fast as possible style which I find absolutely infuriating.

Edit: Personally I would prescribe a shift in POV and a stream-of-concious approach.

[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 17, 2008).]


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