posted
Folding the sheet of ether, was not easy. He had to fold it just right, to fit in to the body. Sometimes he made a mistake, and the person didn’t have control of everything, or some disease would ravage their body.
He tried his hardest, to make them all fit. He followed his instructions as close as he could, but he wasn’t God--he wasn’t perfect in every way like the creator.
He wondered why he had been given the job in the first place.
posted
Cut it out with the commas! I understand the temptation to place a comma wherever you envision a pause, but it comes across as jilted, and it made me twitch like I would for nails on a chalkboard.
Once I got past that, there were a few things.
Not giving me the guy's name is a big risk. I start off the story wondering why the writer wouldn't bother to tell me their MC's name. Therefore, if there's not a major payoff for me putting up with this, I'm going to be frustrated.
quote:Sometimes he made a mistake, and the person didn’t have control of everything, or some disease would ravage their body.
I don't know what you mean by "didn't have control of everything." In fact, I'm not really sure what's going on at all. I always hesitate to make this critique when we're only given thirteen lines, but I think your story might benefit from giving me a little more info in opening.
quote:He tried his hardest, to make them all fit.
This seems unnecessary. Unless you specify that he doesn't try to make them fit, I'm going to assume that he does. What I might do here, is give description (through his POV) of him trying to make them fit. Give me details. Then you could convey him trying his hardest, and give me some clue as to what's going on.
Overall, I just don't know what's going on in this story.
posted
well it's nto even 13 lines. 13 lines is over 70% of it. It's only 300 words.
i guess i'll post all 13 so you can get a better look.
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Folding the sheet of ether was not easy. He had to make it just right, to fit in to the body. Sometimes he made a mistake, and the person didn’t have control of everything, or some disease would ravage their body.
He tried his hardest, to make them all fit. He followed his instructions as close as he could, but he wasn’t God--he wasn’t perfect in every way like the creator. He wondered why he had been given the job, in the first place. He had never been good with his hands. He was more of a thinker, a poet, or a singer.
Now he was just an anthropomorphic construct, personified in human form as a soul smith. He thought he had had a life before he had began smithing, but it had started to blur. All
[This message has been edited by Alye (edited December 20, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 20, 2007).]
posted
Props for originality but I think it should be longer. 300 words is what is printed on the back of my instant pancake batter.
Or in other words; from what I see, it seems too involved for 300 words. You may be able to skim something but I can't imagine (as a reader) leaving with anything satisfactory.
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited December 20, 2007).]
posted
Yep, I'll second Halogen. Interesting character, a good start on an interesting premise, so I'm betting that it'll demand more than 300 words to do it justice.
And if it does stay at the flash length, there's some redundancy that can be tightened up to get the most out of your wordcount.
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