posted
I have re-posted as my previous version was removed by a freak moderation error. I have re-written it as well:
The pale light was all that held my interest as I drifted in Seriquel’s genesis vat. It shone down through the yellow liquid, barely reaching the murky depths where I lay, my body gently buffeted by the artificial currents. Occasionally the light flickered as something overhead eclipsed it, but its ever-changing patterns still kept me mesmerised. Then came the cognitive inserts. Wrenched from the fluids, an explosion of pain erupted through my head without warning. My peaceful existence was shattered as a shard of concentrated electronics was fired into my skull. It was only after the inserts had bedded in, days later, that they began to pump knowledge down the cerebral umbilicals. It was then that
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 21, 2007).]
posted
I liked the previous version better--it was quirkier, and had a fun tongue-and-cheek feel. This one is very different--much more somber, and doesn't feel as unique. It seems to me, though, that the intros are setting up very different stories, and it's hard to know which one would work better because it depends on the rest of the story.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 21, 2007).]
posted
I can only say I am going for a dystopian future...quirky was not what I was aiming for in this one. I wanted a fairly horrific view of being 'created' to come through...of being treated like a product, designed for a specific need.
This was the previous version if anyone's interested:
We met in the genesis vat in Seriquel. Like the thousands of other new spawns, we drifted below the surface of the yellow fluid, like great fish. Our eyes ever looking upwards at the pale artificial lights above. We had just had the final language and cognitive inserts, so we could think. It was all very new to me at the time. She bumped against me and our cerebral umbilicals became entwined for a while. I smiled at her through the murky fluids. I could do no more; the growth liquid we swam in made speech impossible. Hello, she thought at me. A ripple of shock spread down my muscular body. Mind-talk? Hello, I ventured back. She was the first person I had ever communicated with—that’s if you could call any of us people. We
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 21, 2007).]
quote: [The pale light was all that held my interest as I drifted in [Seriquel’s<--What's this?] genesis vat. It shone down through the yellow liquid, barely reaching the murky depths where I lay, my body gently buffeted by the artificial currents.<--This is very thick. I suggest distilling it: As I drifted in the amber liquid within Seriquel's genesis vat, I was entralled by a pale light. or something.] Occasionally the light flickered as something overhead eclipsed it, but its ever-changing patterns still kept me mesmerised. Then came the cognitive inserts.[PoV?] Wrenched from the fluids, an explosion of pain erupted through my head without warning. My peaceful existence was shattered as [a shard of concentrated electronics<--PoV?] was fired into my skull. It was only after the inserts had bedded in, days later, that they began to pump knowledge down the cerebral umbilicals. It was then that
You shorted yourself a sentence.
1) I feel like your violating PoV to give us information.
2) Does he/she know he's/she's in (did he/she voluntarily get into) a genesis tank? Or is it a case of being born? If, as I suspect, it's the latter, he wouldn't know what the name of the "genesis vat" is--he wouldn't even know it was a genesis vat. He wouldn't know of any "cognitive inserts" or "concentrated electronics"--which, incidentally sounds like an all purpose television/DVD/Stereo gadget--were either.
3) IMHO - If you want to keep the majority of this information, consider telling it from a sympathetic/empathic observer's PoV.
quote:-which, incidentally sounds like an all purpose television/DVD/Stereo gadget
Lol, true. Perhaps I should have mentioned transistors to tech it up slightly.
'A shard of concentrated elecronics' seems to me more like a note to myself. I would probably have caught it (maybe!)and made it a little more tech. I tend to write stuff, especially tech, magic and action scenes very briefly and then go back when I feel more in tune to write those specific bits.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 21, 2007).]
posted
I too like the earlier version better, especially this line: "She bumped against me and our cerebral umbilicals became entwined for a while." It says much and hints at more.
But as Annepin says, it depends upon where the story now is going.
posted
I thought of this partly because of your thread on "Open Discussions" . . . but I would call this over-written.
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posted
Either. Let's look at the second (and please note ahead of time that not all the comments in what follows are complaints--it's the sum of them that, to me, adds up to overwriting):
quote:We met in the genesis vat in Seriquel. Like the thousands of other new spawns, we drifted below the surface of the yellow fluid, like great fish.[Here you've got both"Like the thousands. . ." and "like great fish." Two comparisons of the same thing, and one is actually a simile.] Our eyes ever looking upwards at the pale artificial lights above.[Well, aside from being a sentence fragment, "ever" seems like it's trying too hard, and "pale artificial" is two adjectives where one should do.] We had just had the final language and cognitive inserts, so we could think. It was all very new to me at the time. She bumped against me and our cerebral umbilicals became entwined["entwined" seems overmuch for the passiveness of "became entwined"] for a while. I smiled at her through the murky fluids[it seems almost as though the only purpose for including "through the murky fluids" is so that you can use the word "murky"]. I could do no more[as opposed to "I couldn't do anything else"]; the growth liquid we swam in made speech impossible[as opposed to "we couldn't talk underwater" (I know, it's not water, I'm just being prosaic)]. Hello, she thought at me. A ripple of shock spread down my muscular body.[As opposed to: "I was shocked."] Mind-talk? Hello, I ventured back["replied"]. She was the first person I had ever communicated with—that’s if you could call any of us people. We
I'll agree that the first one carried the tendency even further.
I'm not even saying, by the way, that you should necessarily try to write in a more matter-of-fact, plain-style tone. There are people who write extremely poetically, and it's simply beautiful. But it's hard, hard, hard; and if it doesn't quite all hold together, then it completely falls apart. I'm not a poet myself; I don't try.
One thing I've learned though, that you might consider. One-syllable words are almost always the most poetic. Save the polysyllables for when they're essential.
posted
By the way, I agree with Babbler about POV. What you need to do there is to decide whether you are going to write from the perspective of the later "you", who knows all those things (which causes a loss of immediacy in the writing), or from the "you" at the time of the story, who may not even know what fish are. I'd recommend the latter, but it's up to you. If you choose the latter, however, you'll need to change all the descriptions in this selection to exclude any knowledge that comes across later; anything that was known as a result of the cognitive inserts should probably be identified as new knowledge: sort of a "Hey, I know what this is! Cool!" Otherwise--would they even know they were in fluid, if they've never been out of it? Etc.
If you choose the other option (story as told from a much later time), you need to make it clear that you're doing that: a few "Now I know that . . . but at the time . . . ." kind of things.
Either way, the line "A ripple of shock spread down my muscular body" is definitely out of POV--nobody thinks of themselves that way.
Oh, my daughter just looked over at the "We had just had the final language and cognitive inserts, so we could think," line and says: "either there is no reason not to go with robots, or at least entire robot brains that can be inserted fully upgraded, or they do not need the cognitive inserts in order to think. But I can imagine that the cognitive inserts might help them think." She also objects to the possible indication that language is necessary for thought. Don't know if you intended that or not.
posted
Hmm. I will re-think how to enter this world. Abort. Abort.
I take your point regarding the over-writing, I try occasionally to use a more poetic style--obviously doesn't work. I will try to limit myself to 'bare-bones' writing--well most of the time.
Note:
One could argue that cognitive abilities are required for self-aware thought and language helps with memory skills therefore aids complex thought and reasoning processes. So to know you are thinking (even to know you are you and separate from the world) requires a reasonable level of cognition.
Also, forgive me for arguing with your daughter, there is a reason for not going with robots..which they could, they are sufficiently developed. It is a major premise for the story, and so forgive me for keeping it under my hat. The inserts are merely to accelerate their development.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited December 23, 2007).]
quote:One could argue that cognitive abilities are required for self-aware thought. . . .
Oh, she wouldn't argue with that. Only that the inserts are required for cognitive abilities. As she said, she could see them assisting.
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posted
I am fairly certain I didn't say that he couldn't think before the cognitive inserts...the POV character (not me!) was first aware he was thinking (self aware) after the inserts.
I am certain I had a memory before I was 2 1/2 years old as my parents confirm (no, I didn't really check!)that I could recognize them and could speak to them using their names etc. However, for me perceptually, my first memory is when I was 2 1/2 years old.
These inserts speed up this process...so yesterday I was virtually, and to all intensive purposes, a vegetable, today I can think in complex ways thanks to the inserts.
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