Dana hid silently in the bushes, trying not to panic. The house was destroyed; flames writhed and spat amongst the ruins, and black smoke rose into the air. She couldn’t move.
Where the hell is he?
Shaking, Dana peered through the branches. Heat pressed against her face. She couldn’t hear anything over the hiss and crackle of the fire, but that didn’t mean a damn thing.
There came a noise: crack, and Dana’s heart sank. Still alive. Suddenly, a section of fallen roof launched into the air trailing bricks and ash. It paused, then dropped away to one side, shattering when it hit the floor.
‘God no,’ whispered Dana. She scanned the rubble, breathing hard.
* * *
Better / worse?
Hey everyone .
Here's something I wrote a while ago. At the time, I thought it was awful, but now I'm not so sure. Anyway, I decided it'd make a good first-submission, so here ya go.
***
Dana hid silently in the bushes, staring open-mouthed at the scene through the branches. Bright orange flames danced over the ruins of her home, flickering merrily against the night sky. The heat was uncomfortable even at this distance.
Where is he? She thought, trying not to panic. Where the hell did he go?
She couldn’t hear anything over the hiss and crackle of the fire, but that didn’t mean anything - it was too much to hope for that the preceptor was dead.
There came a noise: crack, and Dana’s heart sank. Still alive. Suddenly, a section of fallen roof launched into the air, still burning and trailing bricks and ash. It paused, then dropped away to one side, shattering when it hit the floor. Dana
***
Did it keep your interest? Any thoughts welcome, and thanks for reading .
Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 22, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 22, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 23, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 10, 2008).]
Overall I liked the idea behind this one and would probably read on, though I think it could be a lot stronger if you create more tension in this opening.
Your POV character is Dana and she is apparently afraid of this preceptor and she is watching her home burn and yet I never really get a sense of her sorrow or fear. I think the main problem you have is your choice of words, the flames burning her home to the ground are "dancing, flickering merrily" is this really how someone would see the flames destroying their home? I'd rather words here which really created a sense of dread and threat and menace.
Similarly you only show Dana's discomfort by having her open-mouthed, some people might stare open-mouthed in wonder at something, maybe have something stronger to really show Dana's distress in that first sentence to lure the reader into the story quicker.
The introduction of the preceptor could be stronger also, I'm guessing he's the main threat in the story, some kind of big baddie, so to speak, so a little "crack" to signify his survival seems a little trite. Maybe a deep rumble, the very ground beneath Dana's feet shaking as the house shakes - just something to introduce the preceptor with a hint at his power would interest the reader more. Also he gestures and blasts a section of rubble away - with what? Does he have a weapon or is he shooting bolts from his fingers?
posted
'Where is he? She thought, trying not to panic.'
This should be: 'Where is he? she thought, trying not to panic.' Although, I am aware Word will automatically change it to a capital letter.
This was an interesting story, but I agree with the comment above you could start with more tension. There seems to be the bones there for the tension already. Her home is on fire and 'he' is missing. I want to see her horror and anxiety played out, perhaps.
The feel I was going for is that she's not so bothered about her house right now (since, as we later find out, she blew it up herself) - all she can think is 'is he dead? Did he survive? Where is he?' and so on. I think you're right about 'merrily', though - I spent ages wondering whether I should stick with it or not. I wanted something slightly sinister (the flames dancing over the ruins) - something that enjoyed the destruction - as a backdrop to the seemingly-immortal preceptor (of which there are many, by the way - it's A preceptor, rather than THE preceptor. Others will arrive in a minute). I guess merrily wasn't the right word for the job.
I hadn't thought of altering the opening line or the open-mouthed thing - I'll have a think, and hopefully come up with something that gives Dana more potency.
As for the crack, I didn't want the preceptors to seem all-powerful - they CAN be killed (else Dana wouldn't have bothered trying) - and I was hoping that it would add to the tension, having Dana's heart sink at a tiny sound. I guess it didn't, so I'll have a think about that too.
Anyway, thanks for the comments, they definitely helped .
Usually it's best to keep the original version at the top of your thread and merely post A REVISED VERSION as a new post at the bottom of the thread. Then your thread will be bumped to the top of the list of threads and it will be easy for people to notice the new entry. Otherwise it will sink like a stone!
posted
Definitely better, imho. I suggest getting rid of the "silently" in the first sentence. If she's hiding, I think we can assume she's trying to do so silently, unless her hunter is deaf.
I have to say, though, it's bringing back memories of Terminator. Not a bad thing necessarily, but it just feels, well, familiar, I guess.
posted
To annepin, thanks for reading . In some ways I'm glad that you made the Terminator comparison, and in some ways I'm not.
It was deliberate - I was going for a kind of Terminator moment - but... I dunno, is it so familiar that it actually just seems like I'm copying an old idea?
The preceptor wasn't sent back in time to kill her or anything, put it that way, but I wanted to show that the preceptors are hard to beat (to set up for later, when we learn more about them - they're a law unto themselves, and people can't stand up to them because of their power). The only other way of doing it (that I can think of, anyway), is to have them supposedly dying and then actually surviving. I could have one as a POV character, and have him drag himself from the wreckage of the house, or something. You get the idea. That, unfortunately, takes time to set up, and doesn't really work for an opening.
I suppose my question is, 'is it SO familiar that it detracts from the opening?'
To Adam, thanks for the tip - I'm so used to being on DG that I forgot to account for the way normal forums work, lol. Thanks for the bump .
posted
Hm... I was thinking about that comment for a while after I'd made it. In retrospect, I see that it's not very helpful to you. Sorry about that. I'll try to clarify and expand.
I don't know that it's so familiar as to be distracting; rather, it jades me to the story's possibilities. The set up leaves too little ambiguity for me. It seems to me it's going to be a story about escape--she has to shake the preceptor somehow, kill it, get rid of it, dismantle it, change its mind.
I'm thinking this way because I'm pulling on the cliche of images from Terminator (and to be fair, from a long tradition of sci fi and fantasy) and anticipating where the story will go.
Maybe if I had a clearer sense of what the preceptor is, what its purpose is, I'd be more inclined to read on. The action itself isn't pulling me in, because it seems to have a clear conclusion--either she will escape or she won't. But I'm not vested in the struggle yet.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 23, 2007).]
posted
Not at all - I was actually waiting to see if someone would say 'Terminator' or not.
My fear was that this would happen, because it's not a Terminator story at all. The preceptors are like a vigilante police force. They rule because they can, and their powers protect them. Since this opening seems to be doing what I'd hoped it wouldn't, what about opening with a scene where they're absuing their power in some way, and Dana stands up to them (or tries to, at least)? They could be taking money from a store, or starting a fight with a stranger, or something. That way, they're not terminators, but they're still powerful and feared.
The original scene (the burning house) is always going to be in the story - it's part of the plot - but I guess starting with it is giving the wrong impression.
Thanks for the comments .
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited December 23, 2007).]
"They rule because they can.." Isn't that why all rulers rule. Democracy really just gives you a market forces choice. It's like saying I choose to shop at Tescos. You don't really there are only a few other choices and they all cost more!
Also Skynet takes over because it can. If it couldn't there wouldn't have been a film!
quote:Since this opening seems to be doing what I'd hoped it wouldn't, what about opening with a scene where they're absuing their power in some way, and Dana stands up to them (or tries to, at least)?
I think this would appeal more to me, because it's a subtler beginning, and leaves more possibilities open. It becomes a story not about escape, but about a power struggle, maybe, or resistance, etc. Not to say the story now can't be about those things, only that to me, the beginning seems too restrictive.
It seems I'm in the minority here, though. Most people like an action scene. Not that I don't, but in a way, it feels like I've stepped into the climax.
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