quote: The first development cycle of a human machine requires one cubic meter of space. Storage and energy needs increase exponentially as the subject ages. Sarah9 has five cubic meters which is the maximum size allocated in my incubation room. She also requires more nutrient then is possible for me to store. I've projected that Sarah9 will shut down permanently in seven months.
While parts of me are biological the only components classified as human exist deep inside my nervous system. I have on record thirty-five thousand slices of brain tissue from two-hundred individuals. These thin strips allow me a separation from my mechanical predecessors; appreciation. In the last seventy-five years I have witnessed events beyond their numerical equivalents and I am truly thankful for this gift.
Flash that I might turn into a short story. It is pretty rough. It is following the same idea as my vampire story earlier (trying to take an existing concept and spin it). In this story the existing concept was Frankenstein.
I don't know what to think about this one. It was challenging because I wanted to have the main character be non-human. There is no real action. I'm not sure if it should be expanded into a short story, left as is, or scrapped.
Thoughts, readers?
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited January 06, 2008).]
posted
Your prose is good over all and both the premises are interesting... I say "both" because the first and the second paragraph don't seem to be related, near as I can tell. Is the same person thinking these things? The first almost seemed like an excerpt from someone's lab notes. The second feels more like being in someone's head. The transition is rough, as in, I don't see the logic.
If you turn it into a short story I think you will have to introduce some sort of action. The second paragraph seems something like a character sketch. You could easily take the character and throw him or her into a situation and see what happens.
At any rate, I'm pretty hooked on the flash. Send her along! After I read I'll be able to elaborate on my thoughts here.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 06, 2008).]
I do not see a problem with these first two paragraphs. I can see where you are heading with it and I am mildly intrigued. The problem is the start. The first paragraph seems like it should be the second. What is missing is a better beginning. The third paragraph explains that this is an android of some sort watching over (what I believe) a human growing in a vat. You have said that the MC has human parts to keep her from being too machine like. I think you should focus on this. Annepin wrote this...
> The first almost seemed like an excerpt from someone's lab notes. The second feels more like being in someone's head. The transition is rough, as in, I don't see the logic.
Exactly, and I think you should keep on with this style and POV. It is how I would imagine an android with mismatched parts would think. Here's an idea on how you could open with this tale.
Vital signs are holding steady. Growth rate at 84.7% of expected progress. Subject is restless and attempts to move in enclosure. Additional seditives applied to keep her from damaging her components. She looks uncomfortable and unhappy in her current state. Accessing previous assessment. Emotional response; compassion, a side effect of my biologically added neural processors.
That is something I would attempt. I'm sure you could do better than I. Focus on your android and its cold machine-like perspective. Hope this helps.
posted
I like the analogue tone. Almost run-on and very mechanical. I picture this would be narrated by Geddy Lee. (: Can it engage for 1k words? I'll give it a go, send it. Posts: 121 | Registered: Sep 2002
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quote: The first development cycle of a human machine requires one cubic meter of space. Storage and energy needs increase exponentially as the subject ages. Sarah9 has five cubic meters which is the maximum size allocated in my incubation room. She also requires more nutrient [then = than] is possible for me to store. I've projected that Sarah9 will shut down permanently in seven months.
While parts of me are biological the only components classified as human exist deep inside my nervous system. I have on record thirty-five thousand slices of brain tissue from two-hundred individuals. These thin strips allow me a separation from my mechanical predecessors; appreciation. In the last seventy-five years I have witnessed events beyond their numerical equivalents and I am truly thankful for this gift.
1) This waxes info-dump-ish.
2) I like the tone/voice being dry enough to resonate with a machine/computer personae (though I wouldn't say Geddy Lee) narrator, but where's the promise/contract? Why has the first paragraph dumped info on Sarah9? What's the relevance? Does the narrator or Sarah9 have a dilemma? Frankenstein had action, dilemma, horror, and questions of morality. I need promise of something...and then I would read it.
Actually this voice would be readable for a longer work, if it had a promise.
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