Steve Orbison-Daltrey’s mind collapsed inward under the pressure of a micro-eternity spent watching quantum chaos.
Reality spun, twisted and sliced through him. Globules formed from a sea of quantum foam swirling about. Some bubbles ruptured, others grew into large, stable spheres of reality, until one dominated and pulled at him irresistibly. As his perception penetrated the sphere's boundary, quantum static shredded his mind. Nothing. Nothing.
Then, like a punch in the face, he felt the snap as reality began to re-assemble around him. The time trans-location process completed and the world kicked into life. Light, sound and being hammered his senses.
“Jesus,” he said as he swayed back and forth. He looked down at

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 24, 2008).]

I can’t help visualizing his body getting cut to ribbons, instead of his mind grasping with what is really. Instead of 'him', how about 'his consciousness'

>Globules formed from a sea of quantum foam swirling about.

Formed from…foam. I’m filled full of ‘fo and fro’. Oh, I am a very dark kettle calling a gray pot black.

>Then, like a punch in the face, he felt the snap as reality began to re-assemble around him.

I would like this analogy if it wasn’t for the ‘began to re-assemble’. Something about being ‘re-assembled’ not fitting with being ’punched in the face’. Maybe something like…

Then, like a punch in the face, he felt the snap of reality around him.

>Light, sound and being hammered his senses.

Perhaps a comma between ‘being hammered’. Without it, it sounds like he’s drunk.

Trying to get through all those words made me feel as dizzy as I think Steve Orbison-Daltrey’s mind was. An interesting effect, and even though it may not have been intentional, it could still be a good thing.

However, it took until near the end of your first 13 for me to figure out that Steve was involved in some sort of time shift. Until then it was very painful, because my mind was spinning but I was struggling to understand why.

I think perhaps I should insert 'time trans-location process' a little earlier, to clue people in.

The idea was that you would move from something fairly abstract to a solid reality in the same way Steve does, so it was sort of meant to make you disorientated. When he lands and re-orientates, so do we and we find ourselves where? Well, that's the next bit...

Originally, it was '...reality crackled into being around him.' I changed it so I could fit more in my 13 lines!

quote:

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The idea was that you would move from something fairly abstract to a solid reality in the same way Steve does, so it was sort of meant to make you disorientated. When he lands and re-orientates, so do we

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'Steve Orbison-Daltrey’s mind collapsed inward under the pressure of a micro-eternity spent watching quantum chaos' - not overly convinced by the opening line.

I've gotta be honest - that name, 'Steve Orbison-Daltrey', put me off straight away. Personal preference admittedly, but it's just such a mouthful. After that... it's almost like you've chucked in a load of sci-fi words to make it sound more 'out of this world'. 'micro-eternity'? 'quantum chaos'? Bleh.

Actually, I'm not happy with your use of the word 'quantum' in this piece. Wherever something could do with sounding more abstract, in pops 'quantum'. Quantum chaos, quantum foam, quantum static. The word loses all meaning.

If I had to put my finger on it, I'd say that you were using 'quantum' as a synonym for 'unreality' (or something similar), which it isn't. It's actually quite a difficult word to pin down (indeed, I've looked in a couple of dictionaries, and aside from 'a unit of energy', they take the cop-out and say 'relating to or based upon quantum mechanics'), but it has to do with multiple possibilities, things happening simultaneously, etc. Arguably, that fits in well with what you've written, but... it's just not working for me.

Anyway, moving on.

Not a fan of '[reality] sliced through'.
'until one dominated' - dominated what? Him or the rest of the bubbles? I'll guess 'the rest of the bubbles', and suggest adding a 'them' after 'dominated'.
'his perception penetrated the sphere's boundary' - bit overdone for me.
Also not a fan of 'quantum static shredded his mind'.
'he felt the snap as reality began to re-assemble around him' - 'snap' and 'began to' seem to conflict. Did reality reassemble with a snap, or did it begin to reassemble? [no hyphen in reassemble, by the way.] There's no reason that there can't be a snap before the universe starts to reassemble itself, I suppose, but the ideas seemed to clash to me.
Not fond of 'and being'.

I think the biggest problem with opening the story here is that it's so all-over-the-place. Steve's being taken apart and put back together, and I'm just as disorientated as he is. If you started slightly further back, from just before he turns the machine on or whatever, then we have somewhere to ground ourselves. At the moment, me and Steve are reeling in a sea of quantum thingamajiggies, with no idea why or for how long.

Sorry this was kinda harsh, but you know I like plenty of your other stuff, so I decided to be brutally honest.

Hope this helped .
Daniel.

EDIT: I think smncameron hit the nail on the head re. the opening line.

No, just kidding.

Nice brutal job, Daniel. I generally prefer both barrels, even if I don't always agree with what a critter says. At least, then you have the opportunity to see if what they say rings true for you. No truth, no change.

I like my idea, of starting with the time travel experience (although I may start a mcro-second ealier, with him pressing the metaphorical button...) but I think it is clear the execution needs some work. I will re-write the gobbledy-gook again.

Thanks for the input.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 28, 2008).]