posted
This is the opening to a WIP story that is currently 5,990 words and counting. It may end up being a novella, depending on how far I stray from my outline. Comments on the 13 and offers to read are welcome.
It was a mistake to chase the tengu, Nozomi realized belatedly, as she struggled to free herself from the writhing branches of the winter-bare shrub that had ensnared her. Even though the trickster spirit had led her on a merry chase that should have ended when she had plunged through the thin ice on the frozen river, she had continued to pursue the tengu, in spite of her sopping wet fur, with gleeful temerity. And now, because she could not bear to give up the thrill of the chase; because she reveled far too much in the wild, glorious sensations of the fox form she wore, she was trapped in yet another of the tengu's snares. The unnaturally long thorns on the shrub's branches grew even longer, snagging her red pelt and digging painfully into her flanks. She squirmed...
posted
Not bad, not bad at all. I have one complaint though, I gathered the tengu is the prey that she is after, however it reads as if the tengu is the bush that she is unsnareled in. I had to read it twice to realize that Nozomi was led into it. Perhaps a slight change would eliminate the confusion.
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posted
I liked it too. Consider reworking the opening sentence. Beginning the story with "It was a" is a little off-putting. I can't help but remember: It was a . . . dark and stormy night.
Nozomi realized that it was a mistake to chase the tengu, as she struggled to free herself from the writhing branches of the winter-bare shrub that had ensnared her.
Or:
Nozomi realized, as she struggled to free herself from the writhing branches of the winter-bare shrub that had ensnared her, that it was a mistake to chase the tengu.
This is a matter of taste, but I've removed some of the trip words in this portion of the text, and deleted a couple of "hads" after the first:
The trickster spirit had led her on a merry chase that should have ended when she plunged through the thin ice on the frozen river. But she continued to pursue the tengu, in spite of her sopping wet fur, with gleeful temerity.
She could not bear to give up the thrill of the chase. She reveled far too much in the wild, glorious sensations of the fox form she wore, and so was trapped in yet another of the tengu's snares.
posted
Just quick question about the title: Kitsune are japanese spirits no? And the Japanese, to the best of my knowledge, did not keep slaves though they were a very feudal society.
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posted
snapper & WouldBe: Thanks, that's really good advice. I'll see how I can rework it.
smncameron: This story takes place during the Bakumatsu, between the last part of the Tokugawa era and the Meiji Restoration. During that time period, cholera epidemics sometimes wiped out whole villages, and surviving orphans were often sold to merchants or traders. Sometimes, parents sold their children simply because they couldn't afford to feed them. If the children survived long enough to grow up, they had a chance at making a life for themselves. So while it wasn't slavery like we might imagine in pre Civil-War South, it was still very much unwilling bondage for these children. Hope that clarifies.
In any case, it's very much a "working title." I certainly hope I come up with something better before it's finished. (Suggestions welcome!)
posted
I like the hook, though like some of the other posters I thought the two sentences in that first paragraph could do with being shortened a little.
I'd be glad to read if you want to send it my way.
posted
Thanks to your feedback, here are my revised 13 lines. Hopefully this flows better. What do you think?
Nozomi realized, as she struggled to free herself from the writhing branches of the winter-bare shrub that had ensnared her, that it was a mistake to chase the tengu. The trickster spirit had led her on a merry chase that should have ended when she plunged through the thin ice on the frozen river. And yet she continued to pursue the tengu, in spite of her sopping wet fur, with gleeful temerity. She could not bear to give up the thrill of the chase. She reveled far too much in the wild, glorious sensations of the fox form she wore, and so found herself trapped in yet another of the tengu's snares. The unnaturally long thorns on the shrub's branches grew even longer, snagging her red pelt and digging painfully into her flanks. She squirmed futilely...
posted
Yes, this is better. I've only got a few things to say at this point.
quote:Nozomi realized, as she struggled to free herself from the writhing branches of the winter-bare shrub that had ensnared her, that it was had been a mistake to chase the tengu. Long sentence, and the subordinate clause separates the announcemnet of her realization from what she realizes by quite a distance. I would suggest turning the sub clause into an independent sentence, and placing it first. The trickster spirit had led her on a merry chase that should have ended when she plunged through the thin ice on the frozen river. And yet she continued to pursue the tengu, in spite of her sopping wet fur, with gleeful temerity. The "in spite of" phrase also acts as a separator, making "with gleeful temerity" feel somewhat anchorleses. Why not move "in spite . . ." right after "And yet"? She could not never ["not" sounds like "right now, stuck in the bush, she still could not] bear to give up the thrill of the chase. She reveled far too much in the wild, glorious sensations of the fox form she wore, and so now [to bring us back to the present] found herself trapped in yet another of the tengu's snares. The unnaturally long thorns on the shrub's branches grew even longer, snagging her red pelt and digging painfully into her flanks. She squirmed futilely...you could fit maybe 6-8 more words in here
Nozomi realized, as she struggled to free herself from the writhing branches of the winter-bare shrub that had ensnared her, that it was a mistake to chase the tengu. This is heavy reading because so much is going on. You are going to show me in a minute that the branches are writhing so you can probably hold the detail here - Mb - Struggling to free herself from the XY that ensnared her, Nozomi conceded it was a mistake to chase the tengu.
The trickster spirit had led her on a merry chase that should have ended when she The trickster? plunged through the thin <-- I'll assume it was thin since she fell through - you don't need to tell me that ice on the frozen river does it matter that it was a river? Also, again, I'll assume it was at least partially frozen. And yet she continued to pursue the tengu, in spite of her sopping wet fur the tengu had wet fur? This describes the tengu not Nozomi , with gleeful temerity this is also split from what it describes and is probably unnecessary .
She could not bear to give up the thrill of the chase. She reveled far too much in the wild, glorious sensations of the fox form she wore, and so found herself trapped in yet another of the tengu's snares. A bit heavy and a bit of a "Hu?". You also might want to separate the snares. I wasn't sure if the snare was the fox form or something else
The unnaturally long thorns on the shrub's branches grew even longer, snagging her red pelt and digging painfully The "-ly" is telling me - show me that the thorns are drawing blood or she's yipping from the pain. Your writing is better than the -ly so show me the images. into her flanks. She squirmed futilely -ly - Also, presumably it isn't futile because if she dies here this is going to be a short story.
Despite all the bolding it's a nice start. I'd be interested in line 14 even with all the comments. Good luck.
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