posted
This is one I hope to enter in a contest whos deadline is in a week. Readers with a quick response would be great. As is comments on these 13 lines.
My mouth fell open and I slide into my chair. The knot in my stomach matched Janie’s hard news. “Peter Wingalt is dead?” All she could do was nod, the blood drained from her face. I shook my head. “I talked with him not that long ago. Hell, I was in the same room with him. How?” “They don’t know. No one has died in over eighty years, Paul.” She turned her face toward mine, her eyes as wide as a full moon, before it was mined up. “What if he’s not the first? What if they can’t find out what happened? What if…?” “Easy Janie,” I say as I stand and raise my palms. “Let’s not jump to conclusions. There must be a logical explanation. I’m
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 24, 2008).]
quote: My mouth fell open and I slide into my chair. ... All she could do was nod, the blood drained from her face. ... I shook my head. ... I say as I stand and raise my palms.
It was difficult for me to follow the dialog, I'm used to reading straight lines of dialog not dialog that is mixed in with lines of actions. Maybe just me.
posted
I think the first tense change must be an error. Remove the e and you are left with slid, which fits perfectly. The others need correcting, though.
I would remove the comment about the moon being 'mined-up' because if you altered the mass of the moon so significantly that it looked different from earth you would have catastrophic problems.
I must say I am not a fan of metaphors, as I think they tend to push you out of the story as you try to imagine 'eyes as wide as the moon..' I personally, and others may disagree, feel they are of benefit when the metaphor adds something extra to a description. In this instance I am not sure it does. For example if you compared someone's smile to that of a shark you are generally implying they are also predatory, not just that they have big white teeth, and a wide smile. I would have left it with just '...her face white, her eyes wide."
Otherwise I like the tone , the idea, and would definitely read on. The prose is pretty tight, and I have no problem with the dialogue and action in between. As long as the action is done by the speaker, who then continues to speak, it makes sense to me, and certainly I have seen it done so in many books.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited January 24, 2008).]
posted
Another "tense" issue: “Easy Janie,” I say as I stand and raise my palms. “Easy Janie,” I said as I stood and raised my palms. The rest, except the first as Skadder mentioned, is in past tense, except dialog, of course.
I didn't care for starting the story with a reaction with no context. This seems like a more natural and tense place for it:
“Peter Wingalt is dead?” All she could do was nod, the blood drained from her face. My mouth fell open and I slid into my chair. The knot in my stomach matched Janie’s hard news.
All she could do was nod, the blood drained from her face. This is a run-on sentence. All she could do was nod; the blood drained from her face. All she could do was nod, the blood draining from her face.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited January 24, 2008).]
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