posted
When I first volunteered to wear the new Full Body Armor, I had no idea what it would be like. They took me out of combat to the most immense facility I had ever seen. The ceiling was so high it seemed there ought to be clouds up there. The number of nerds in white coats and unbuttoned shirts and jeans was astounding. I had no idea there were that many squints in existence.
They took me to a smallish room that took a tired march to find. They led me through the maze of cubicles and desks with an ease of long practice.
In that room were men and women who were to fit me with the Full Body Armor. They poked and prodded unmercifully. They measured everything (yes, even that) so that the armor would be a perfect fit. I breathed in for them as deeply as I could and they measured. I exhaled as much as I was able and they measured again. They could have made a perfect likeness of me. They knew the distance between my pupils, the setback of my ears from my face. No stone (yes, even those) left unmeasured.
[This message has been edited by George Steele (edited January 27, 2008).]
posted
I like the voice in here--kind of quirky, at once savvy and uneducated.
The name "Full Body Armor" sounds a bit unsophisticated. A cooler sounding name might be in order here.
I had some trouble with the set up. It's an immense facility, with such a high ceiling, and yet they have cubicles crammed in there? Why don't they add more floors? It seemed an odd waste of space, which wouldn't be important, except it makes me think the world wasn't thought through.
Also, the hook seems to be this new armor. You spend all of what would be the first page describing what it takes to get fitted for that armor. But new armor in itself isn't that interesting to me. It's not even a new technology--we have full body armor now, don't we? Granted, it doesn't take that much fitting. But what's different about this armor? What's it supposed to do? Why did he volunteer for it? How might it create tension and conflict in the future?
Ultimately, I think you could move the story along a little faster. As it stands, there's no potential for conflict, no tension looming ahead, just some armor and the embarrassment of being measure thoroughly for it.
Lastly, a couple little things:
They took me to a smallish room that took a tired "tiring"?march to find.
They poked and prodded unmercifully "mercilessly"?.
posted
-------------------a rewrite-------------- new 13 below -------- There were six of us who volunteered to wear the new Full Body Armor. Only Art and I are left now. But let me tell you how it all began.
We were taken out of combat to the most immense facility I had ever seen. The ceiling was so high it seemed there ought to be clouds up there. The number of nerds in white coats and unbuttoned shirts and jeans was astounding. We were guided to a smallish room that took a hike to find. They led us through the maze of cubicles and desks with an ease of long practice.
In that room were men and women who were to fit us for the Full Body Armor. They poked and prodded mercilessly. They measured everything (yes, even that) so that the armor would be a perfect fit. Our loss of dignity was quite complete when they finally told us they were done.
"...it really doesn't get "interesting" until about page 2."
Trouble is, if it is not interesting until they get to page 2, how many will still be reading until it gets interesting? That's why the first 13 is a "hook" you MUST make it interesting (action, conflict) or something engaging enough to make us want to read more.
The point made by annepin is excellent - you should seriously consider it. The fact is, if you mention the high ceiling, a reader will assume you mentioned it because there is a point to it being so high = that you actually experienced being in such a facility won't cut it in a story - that is one reason a writer will change/delete details in a story based on an actual event.
The prose is good - that's half the battle. However, I think you are starting too early - give us some action or conflict, or at least something very enticing. As it is, this seems to be a description of a hi-tech suit fitting.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 27, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 27, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited January 27, 2008).]
Overall, it's not bad. You've got a reasonably engaging opening line, and there are only two sentences that I have specific problems with (see below). The biggest criticism I can give is that your sentences are IDENTICAL. Each one is a single, long clause. That's it. You know, not counting the two bracketed bits, there are only two commas in this piece - one at the start, and one at the end. 2 sentences in 15 that have more than one clause to them. They're even practically all the same length. In your first paragraph, you have three consecutive sentences that are 14 words long.
There's nothing wrong with the sentences on their own - individually, they're fine. They just don't stand out from each other. A mark of great writing is varied sentence / clause length. Have big, long sentences, and abrupt, short ones. Have more than one clause in some sentences. Use subordinate clauses - mix things up a little - and punctuate more.
Anyway, below are the two other things that stuck out at me:
'They took me to a smallish room that took a tired march to find' - something about this sentence is a little clunky, and I'm not happy with 'a tired march'. You want 'tiring march', for a start - the march was not tired, your character was. Also, 'smallish' is a little noncommittal for my taste. Otherwise... I don't know. There's just something about the way you've structured it that's annoying me. What would've been wrong with something like 'after a tiring march, we arrived at a smallish room'? Actually, that's another thing - they 'took' him to the room, yet he 'marched' there. The mix of casual and strict is off-putting.
'No stone (yes, even those) left unmeasured' - delete the '(yes, even those)' here. You've already done it once, so we already know what you're alluding to - it's a little deliberate if you spell it out for us twice over.
Anyway, I hope this helped - I still think I'd read on, but your prose could use a little... spice.
posted
Actually, but for a few style-choice words, and a little added urgency, the character in the first version hooked me.
My take:
quote: When I first volunteered to wear the new Full Body Armor, I had no idea what it would be like.<--[Quash this. It takes away the urgency.] They took me out of combat to the most immense facility I had ever seen. The ceiling was so high it seemed there ought to be clouds [up there<--[Don't need this.]. The number of nerds in white coats [and unbuttoned shirts<--[Clutters the sentence without adding enough to make it worth it.] and jeans was astounding. I had no idea there were that many squints in existence.<--[Nice!] They took me to a small[ish<--Doesn't sound like the same voice.] room that took a [tired<--[Suggest "long" march] march to find[, and] led me through the maze of cubicles [and desks<--[This is what I'd expect to be in the cubicles] with [an ease of long practice<--[Suggest practiced precision to give that military feel.].
[In that room were<--Weakens the sentence] [M]en and women [who were to<--[Ditch this to keep it strong and fast] fit[ted] me with the Full Body Armor. They poked and prodded [unmercifully<--mercilessly has a more intense feel.]. They measured everything (yes, even that) so that the armor would be a perfect fit.[Cute, but why would they measure that?] I breathed in for them as deeply as I could and they measured. I exhaled as much as I was able and they measured again.<--This is phrased a bit redundantly. Suggest tightening it:I inhaled...held it, exhaled...held it, so they could measure the "variables".] [They could have made a perfect likeness of me.<--Move this after the next sentence] They knew the distance between my pupils, the setback of my ears from my face. [No stone (yes, even those) left unmeasured. <--[You have already illustrated this, therefore making this redundant.]
Also, this is fifteen lines. By trimming it, it will be a little under thirteen.
I hope this helps--and I am interested in seeing where it goes.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited January 27, 2008).]
posted
You haven't mentioned how many words this is. There's enough of a hook in the first 13 for me to keep reading, even if the first big event doesn't happen for a couple of pages, especially if this is a longer story.
Posts: 100 | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
I liked the first version, too, with IB's suggesting trimming. I don't care for the caps on Full Body Armor. It is probably great armor, but you don't intial-cap even fancier stuff, like Nuclear Bomb. If you want some caps for effect, give it a TLA:
When I first volunteered to wear the new FBA-47, full body armor,...
posted
I think you have a good idea going but the introduction is kind of dull. It's not because of the way it's written, though, but where you've chosen to start it off at. It doesn't matter how well you say it, walking into a military base filled with scientists isn't that interesting. I would suggest beginning the story in the middle of a test of the full body armor or something. Maybe you could even start it where the scientist are suiting him up. It's up to you. I'd like to read the rest so maybe I can get a better sense of what direction your going with it.
[This message has been edited by Infernal (edited January 31, 2008).]
posted
What you want is the gambit of reactions. I have to be honest and say that this is my kind of story. However, if I was reading this in a collection of shorts I may sigh and be tempted to skip to the next story. Why, because the whole body armor being fitted, don’t know what to expect, going to some future tech war, opening has been done too much already. I need to know that your story idea is unique and compelling in some way. The body armor fitting should be incidental to your real hook. IMHO.
From this snippet, I think you’re a good natural writer and with good flow but the above advice from other members should defiantly be considered and weighed. The real market is an irritable little beast with the attention span of a teenager.
BTW, good to have you with us.
Tracy.
That was supposed to be "definitely." Spellchecker for ya. Not sure I dissagree with the way it came out though, lol.
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited February 04, 2008).]
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. Most of what I had is still relevant, though.
