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I have two short fiction introductions. This is the first. The full introductions is about 400 words. I am looking for feedback on this first section, and for readers for the remainder (email to brant.eaton@gmail.com subject: Emily).
Please let me know what is confusing, inappropriate, or otherwise a nuisance. Feel free to let me know what you like, as well .
For those who read the full 400 words, please let me know "What questions do you want answered next?" in subsequent scenes.
EXCERPT: Emily awoke in another world the night her mother died. She was not alone. In a dim, unfamiliar room, an unknown woman leaned over her and cupped her cheek in a warm hand. Several long, golden tresses framed her smiling face. Emily’s vision cleared by degrees. “You will feel disoriented, the first time,” the woman said. Her smile tightened slightly and her eyes contracted as she read Emily’s face, seeking some sign her words had been heard. “Did I pass out?” The woman sighed, letting out a breath. Her shoulders relaxed and her head dipped briefly. “In a manner of speaking, yes,” she replied, looking back at her patient. “I am Anna. Please, tell me your name.”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 05, 2008).]
quote: cheek in a warm hand. Several long, golden tresses framed her smiling face. Emily’s vision cleared by degrees. “You will feel disoriented, the first time,” the woman said. Her smile tightened slightly and her eyes contracted as she read Emily’s face, seeking some sign her words had been heard. “Did I pass out?” The woman sighed, letting out a breath. Her shoulders relaxed and her head dipped briefly.
I am distracted by reading this because in the middle it seems like there was a POV shift. am I in the woman's POV or Emily's.
And I didn't understand that, she really woke up in an other world, until I had read it a couple of times. Maybe I just missed that. The first time though I kind of thought that it was a figurative thing.
Am I interested but not really hooked.
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited February 05, 2008).]
Emily awoke in another world the night her mother died. She saw she was not alone. In a dim, unfamiliar room, an unknown woman leaned over her and cupped her cheek in a warm hand. Several long, golden tresses framed the woman’s smiling face. Emily’s vision cleared by degrees.
quote: Emily awoke in another world the night her mother died. She was not alone. In a dim, unfamiliar room, an unknown woman leaned over her and cupped her cheek in a warm hand. Several long, golden tresses framed her smiling face. Emily’s vision cleared by degrees.<--Not the PoV shift.]
“You will feel disoriented, the first time,” the woman said. Her smile tightened slightly and her eyes contracted[ as she read Emily’s face, seeking some sign her words had been heard.<--This is the PoV shift. Emily would be seeing the woman's eyes contract and her smile tighten, but she wouldn't know the stranger's motivation.]
“Did I pass out?”
The woman sighed, letting out a breath. Her shoulders relaxed and her head dipped briefly.
“In a manner of speaking, yes,” she replied, looking back at [her patient<--PoV shifts to her here, too. Suggest replacing with: Emily]. “I am Anna. Please, tell me your name.”
Nice voice. It's defintely readable. The first sentence is the clear hook (if indeed the other world is literal--if not, I will feel cheated).
jeffrey.hite was right on: The only major problem is in the PoV shifts, so you may want to re-read the work and see if there are any other slips. If you meant this to be omniscient, you might choose and extended first paragraph that doesn't commit to any PoV. If you commit to a PoV in the first paragraph, that's what we'll expect until a line break.
You might also reevaluate the use of those two adverbs (slightly and briefly). Do you really need them? Could you get the point across stronger without them: Do you need them?
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Yep, what they said about POV. And I'll echo IB's comment on the hook. Many of us take things literally (it is spec fic, after all), and I too am hoping for another world.
I'll take a look, and if you want to check your POV first, that's fine.
"...an unknown woman leaned over and cupped her cheek in a warm hand." This is awkward since written this way it says the unknown woman cupped her own cheek in a warm hand.
"...an unknown woman leaned over and cupped Emily's cheek in a warm hand."
quote: Emily awoke in another world the night her mother died. She was not alone. In a dim, unfamiliar room, an unknown woman leaned over her and cupped Emily’s cheek in a warm hand. Several long, golden tresses framed the woman’s smiling face. Emily’s vision cleared by degrees. “You will feel disoriented, the first time,” the woman said. Her smile tightened and her eyes narrowed. “Did I pass out?” The woman sighed, letting out a breath. Her fingers relaxed against Emily’s cheek and her head dipped. “In a manner of speaking, yes,” she replied, looking back at her patient. “I am Anna. Please, tell me your name.” “Emily. Where am I?”
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Could you get the point across stronger without them: Do you need them?
