quote:

---

Samael leapt into the escape pod as the damaged bulk head crumpled behind. There was a howl as the atmosphere was sucked into the vacuum of space. Coughing and with his heart pulsing in his ears, Samael punched the glowing launch button.
Can’t wait.
He backed away as the trans-tanium iris snapped shut, sealing him from the dying ship. His ears popped as the escape pod crash-filled with air and he gasped in relief.
****, I hope I didn’t leave it too late.
There was a sudden jolt as release bolts fired.
The escape pod fired its thrusters and Samael was catapulted forward against the metal iris, shattering his front teeth, but he barely noticed the pain. The acceleration pressed

---

or B:

quote:

---

As soon as the trans-tanium iris snapped shut behind Samael, he punched the flashing red launch icon with his fist. He stepped away—his heart pounding—had he left it too late?
The pod lurched as the explosive bolts fired, separating it from the Vainglorious, and it spiralled away.
Samael lurched across the pod at the sudden acceleration; his teeth shattered as he slammed face-first into the iris. Dazed, he watched through the glassy metal as explosions rippled through the Blazar-class ship. He could see the massive battle-wounds that scarred The Vainglorious’s silvered hull.
As the acceleration built his his broken teeth ground through his lips, but then he felt a sudden release as the pod's internal field system activated.

---

Any thoughts? Obviously pick them apart, but I would be interested to know which one people thought was more engaging. I wrote the second one first, but then after writing both I feel they both have their merits.

quote:

---

Samael I hate this name. I can't help trying to read it as "Samuel", but it's clearly pronounced too differently. I stumble every time I see it. leapt I know this is still allowed, but my personal feeling is that it's becoming old-fashioned. I'd use "leaped" into the escape pod as the damaged bulk head bulkhead (one word) crumpled behind. There was a howl as the atmosphere was sucked into the vacuum of space. Coughing and with his heart pulsing in his ears, Samael punched the glowing something about this word . . . sounds cliched. What about just saying "lit", or mentioning the color or something? launch button.
Can’t wait.Omit. Obvious.
He backed away as the trans-tanium iris snapped shut why'd he back away (as long as he's clear of it)?, sealing him from the dying ship. His ears popped as the escape pod crash-filled with air where'd the air come from? and he gasped in relief.
****, I hope I didn’t leave it too late.This is where I like version B better: Had he left it too late?
There was a sudden jolt as release bolts fired.
The escape pod fired its thrusters and Samael was catapulted forward against the metal iris, shattering his front teeth, but he barely noticed the pain.There seems to be enough time for him to get right next to the iris, or even to drop into a chair (though probably not to buckle in), so why doesn't he? He hasn't been acting like a tourist previously, and he ought to know what'll happen. The acceleration pressed

---

quote:

---

As soon as the trans-tanium iris snapped shut behind Samael, he punched the flashing red launch icon with his fist. He stepped away—his heart pounding—had he left it left what? too late?
The pod lurched as the explosive bolts fired, separating it from the Vainglorious, and it spiralled away. Try separating this into a couple shorter, sequential sentences, so you can drop the "as"
Samael lurched across the pod at the sudden acceleration; his teeth shattered as he slammed face-first into the iris. Again, you might try rewording this so it's sequential, rather than trying to be simultaneous Dazed, he watched through the glassy metal as explosions rippled through the Blazar-class ship. He could see the you can take this part out, it's a given that Samael's doing the seeing massive battle-wounds that scarred The Vainglorious’s silvered hull.
As the acceleration built his his broken teeth ground through his lips, but then he felt a sudden release as the pod's internal field system activated.

---

This may be the ex-English student coming out in me, but I like this version better, since there aren't as many "was" verbs and "-ing" verbs going on, but it still suffers a little bit, this time from trying to make everything sound simultaneous. I'd suggest rewritting everything so that you keep the active verbs, but lose most of the "as" things. You can either combine sentences, break them apart, switch things around, just try to lose the "as" When you do, I think you'll find that everyone speeds up.

There is more show and less tell. I know that is not a hard and fast rule but especially in the first 13 you kind of need it. On the second one it seems like you use more pronouns, which I think the first one needs. I kept stumbling over the names thinking it should be he, or it.

What about this version/revision (we will call it C):

quote:

---

Samael struggled against the escape pod’s field as it pushed him into the human-shaped alcove on the wall.
“Let me see, damn it,” he ordered the pod.
Immediately the field pressure around his head softened. He twisted his neck and looked through the trans-tanium iris at the fractured hull of The Vainglorious as it drifted away. The silvered ship was pock-marked with huge impact craters and explosions tore through the superstructure.
Damn, we shouldn’t have jumped from the battle with damaged nodes.
As if in agreement, The Vainglorious burst open in a blinding blue light.
No.
Samael shut his eyes to block out the sight, but an after-image

---

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 19, 2008).]

I think Samael is a great name. I have a blind character by that name.