posted
I am looking for comments on this intro. I have never attempted this style of narration. Is it cliche?
What happens when the past becomes history and a part of that history is forgotten? My History is well recorded. I have shaped the course of a new age of government. My story will be told countless times in every language spoken on Earth, of which I am fluent in all. This is the story of one that need not be lost in the vastness of my shadow. This is the story of a man, human in every way. In fact it was his humanity which allowed me to do something that I have only done once- something that once made me something that I was not- something that bore resemblance to the corruption that I was born to rise against. His humanity allowed me to manipulate him to be my limbs when I was without. This is the story of one human's sacrifice that enabled a new era of humanity.
posted
As I was recently told on my intro...first person is VERY TRICKY, be careful trying it unless you are REALLY GOOD.
Observations: 1 You seem to be trying to make it sound very important, but its just beating around the bush too much. Its making me bored.....I'm thinking, "stop telling me what you're gonna tell me and just tell me".
2 Pronoun use is confusing. At times it seems you are referring to yourself, other times it seems you may be talking about someone else, I'm not sure.
3 Not sure if this is your intention, but narrator sounds like he's very cocky, but trying to "sound" humble. If this is your intent, then fine, but if not.....
posted
Giving that it sounds very religions I think the form is ok. I think that it goes on for too long. If it is kind of the, this is the side of my story that you don't know, story the I think you need to get to that in the intro. If I might borrow a line from Bill Cosby. "Eveyone Knows about Noah, you said what did Noah do, well he built nd ark, But very few people know about the conversations that went on between the Load and Noah."
It lets you know that you are going to hear a well told story from another point of view,and keeps you interested while still setting up the scene of biblical times.
Steve Elly from escape pod had a great intro this week about using historical context for your sci/fi because it gives your reader a preformed image of what the world you are talking about. For better or for worse, it can make the setup of your story easier to do. I think, if the story is going to be about what I think it is going to be able that you are done a pretty decent job with that. If you are talking about some future, "savior" of humanity then your reader already has a model to follow in the one of the past. Good luck! -Jeff
posted
Without too many details, the narrator is a computer program. This is the intro, then the story follows in another POV which progresses to reveal the significance of the narrator of the intro.
posted
The two things I like best about the opening are that the personality of the narrator is expressed through his word choice and speach pattern as well as his attitude and that we learn something of what to expect from, without revealing too much.
The challenge here is getting the reader into the story, since the narrator isn't easy to identify with. The human he uses will interest the reader.
I agree about making this section shorter and tighter; that would get us to the meat of the story faster. Also, this narrator character will use perfect grammar, so double, triple check everything he says. Without seeing the whole piece, it's hard to say if this intro will strength the story as a whole, or get in the way.
It's an intriguing idea, though, and appeals to me in many ways, mostly because I like to understand the situation, at least, from the start of a story. My old writing teacher used to quote someone (can't remember who, now) "There is no art in confusing the reader." Thanks for sharing and hope this helps, Kathy
posted
At first I got lost in the switching between stories. On first scan, I thought the narrator/character was only talking about himself. Then I figured out that he was talking about a different character, one who had influenced him. I think a more direct spinning out of the question you pose at the beginning might add more interest. Is the main character already being forgotten? Why is the narrator so sure his story won't be forgotten? You tell a little bit of why the main character doesn't want the other to be forgotten, but I don't really get a sense of urgency. It would also be nice to know names right away, to make things a little more personal.
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