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The ridge-line of weeds above the beach gave me a clear view of the merchant harbor on the opposite end of the island. Through my father's spyglass I saw three frigates in the bay on a slow drift around a dark shadow. From each ship deckhands aligned whaling cannons to face the shadow. The Commodore fired a pistol in the air and with a rapid succession of explosions three spears cut through the water and disappeared. Within seconds a mound of bubbles boiled to the surface and the deckhands from all three ships cheered in excitement.

I refocused the spyglass on the shape and inspected the water for pools of blood. Then the shadow shot towards the three frigates with enough speed to force the water above it to wash back like the wake of a ship.

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Rev 2

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There was nothing to suggest that the creature was dangerous, or even that it was anything more then a large ball of seaweed caught against the coral. Its shadow became a spot for ships to avoid and only a small number of captains insisted on adventuring near it.

The port watchman claimed to have caught a glimpse of the creature when a small schooner sailed near the shadow and was pulled under the water by an unseen force. The account circulated over the island and that day the mayor ordered all ships back to port and closed the harbor.

A few days later a hurriedly printed government notice was nailed to every sign post and business door on the island.

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Rev 1

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Through my father's spyglass I saw three frigates in the harbor on a slow drift around a dark shadow. Commodore Walker leaned against the railing of the middle ship and raised his head towards the sky, there was a flash and burst of smoke as his picture was taken.

From each ship deckhands aligned whaling cannons to face the shadow. The Commodore fired a pistol in the air and with a rapid succession of explosions three spears cut through the water and disappeared. Within seconds a mound of bubbles boiled to the surface and the deckhands from all three ships cheered in excitement.

I refocused the spyglass on the shadow and inspected the water for pools of blood.

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Thoughts on first 13? Interested in reading?

This is a standard fantasy short story. Just something I've been playing around with. Any thoughts would be great.

[This message has been edited by halogen (edited February 10, 2008).]

Aside from that you haven’t perked my interest here. Why? Because the three paragraphs aren’t gelling together. They seem like separate topics. Plus…nothing unusual seems to be happening. Now maybe the dark shadow is the Loch Ness monster or a giant kraken or something magical. But so far no hints to that.

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There was this is a weak pair of words to open any sentence, let alone a story (though James Maxey used them deliberately one time with: "There was a shark in the kitchen.") nothing to suggest that the creature was dangerous, or even that it was anything more then a large ball of seaweed caught against the coral. Its shadow became a spot for ships to avoid and only a small number of captains insisted on adventuring near it. This makes it sound like it had been there for a while, months at least, maybe years.

The port watchman this makes me think of the watchman on the "left" side of a ship, rather than someone watching a port. Maybe harbormaster would be better? claimed to have caught a glimpse of the creature when a small schooner sailed near the shadow and was pulled under the water by an unseen force. The account circulated over the island and that day the mayor ordered all ships back to port and closed the harbor. This, on the other hand, makes it seem that the shadow had only appeared recently.

A few days later a hurriedly printed government notice was nailed to every sign post and business door on the island. Had all the ships been grounded for all this time? I can't believe that would be tolerated. The only thing that would keep ships on an island, which has no other way to trade or communicate with the outside, would be a storm.

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You have no real indication in this opening of the time or state of civiization in this story. The closest thing is "printed government notice", which carries the implication of something since the 1950s, although I'll grant that's just an implication. Also, you have no protagonist/POV here. Generally, I like the first version better, but cut the photograph session. That way, you can combine the first and second paragraphs, which would probably allow you to have the critter rise up and drag down the 3 whalers (or whatever it does) in the first 13.

The other option is to start earlier, as in your revision, but still include the POV up front. "I first heard of the creature the day it dragged a schooner to the bottom. . . ."

If I go back to the original setup, cut off the photograph line then I can fit part of the original hook into the story.

Here's my problem.
The element of photographing the captain was there to imply a few things: Time/date (flash,burst of smoke) and that something important was happening (it is unusual for someone to be hunting whales in a harbor). Unfortunately it isn't working. That's fine, but in my mind it leaves a bit of a hole that I can try to fill later.

If I remove that element then I can fit in a bit of action (my original hook). During revisions though I deliberately moved this action off the first thirteen because I felt it was pushing the story to hard.

Does this latest revision (rev 3) start off with a better hook or is it pushing action too hard?

The thing is that "my father's spyglass" automatically made me assume that he was home, in his father's room, looking out his father's window through his father's spyglass. I couldn't figure out how ANY kind of ridge would give him a good view.

But he's ON the ridge, right? I think it would be best if you made that explicit. "From the ridge [modified as you like] I had a good view of. . . "

(I might not have had this problem if I hadn't read version 1 first, since the spyglass isn't mentioned in version 3 until after the ridge. Still, I think it's clearer to specify his position.)

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But he's ON the ridge, right? I think it would be best if you made that explicit. "From the ridge [modified as you like] I had a good view of. . . "

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I agree, I'll rework the paragraph.

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Hi halogen, if you're after people to look at the whole thing I'll have a read for you

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Another nit -- when you said the three ships were in a slow drift around the dark shadow -- I saw them in a circle surrounding the shadow, not clustered together to one side. So it made no sense that the whatever "shot towards" them.