posted
Taking the plunge here. One of the things I am concerned about is the distance shifts that occur in this opening, but I have not found a good solution as yet. I am sure there is much else it needs, so have at it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Somewhere, his sister was still alive. Cutter could feel her as he always had, that other self, lurking just beyond his grasp.
Two weeks of increasing desperation. Two weeks as hope faded from all around him. The police search ended with the grim epitaph, “missing – presumed dead”. His parents who whispered once more of the family curse, as if their superstitions were a shield against loss.
She would be waiting, counting on him as she always did to get her out of trouble. He had to find her before something worse happened. He whispers a silent vow to himself, “Charity! I will find you.” Her picture safe within his pocket he left the room, already weary with the coming struggle for meaning. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
posted
Hi Wordmerchant, I quite like this, plunges the reader straight into the heart of the story and I would probably read on, though I had a couple of nits that bothered me:
The word lurking in the second sentence threw me a little, if something is lurking I tend to think of it as sinister, menacing, but then you had just said that his sister was his other self...I found those two to be a little too contrasting for my liking.
In the second paragraph I'd have liked a little more information about the sister, maybe even if it is just her age or something, just so we can picture her more and associate with the MC's loss a little more strongly. Also His parents who whispered once more of the family curse, as if their superstitions were a shield against loss. suggests that they are hoping she has been struck by the curse as this isn't the worst thing that could have happened to her, I'm guessing that the curse is the main thrust of the story so I'd have preferred the parents to be praying that she hasn't been struck by the curse.
He had to find her before something worse happened. I started to feel a little confused at this point. This suggests the MC knows what has happened and yet we still don't, whiffs a bit of witholding information.
He whispers a silent vow to himself, “Charity! I will find you.” A slip into present tense there, also, this is just my personal preference, an MC making vows like that to himself seems a touch overdramatic, reminding me of too many cheesy Hollywood movies.
Her picture safe within his pocket he left the room, already weary with the coming struggle for meaning. I read this sentence three or four times trying to understand it, I'm still not sure I really do. Struggle for meaning? Struggle for understanding, maybe? But then understanding of what? Of why his family is cursed? If so, then I'd have preferred that to be in the sentence. I also wasn't too keen on the "already weary", I understand what you're driving at there, but I think that might have been a good point to give some indication of the direction the story is going to go, the MC seems to know what he has to do, so I'd like the reader to at least have an inkling.
Anyway, hope this has been some help and good luck with the story
If I know what you mean by distance, the shift bothered me as well. I feel like the story is taking me further and further away from the MC. Why say "His parents who whispered..." instead of "His parents whispered..."? I think the latter is more immediate, and closer in psychic distance to the beginning.
Similarly, why not "She was surely waiting..." instead of "She would be waiting..."?, and "he whispered" instead of the shift to present tense? I think these changes might make it read with a more consistent feel.
quote:The word lurking in the second sentence threw me a little, if something is lurking I tend to think of it as sinister,
This is probably too many years of Lovecraft, Bloch and Bierce. I'll rethink this choice.
quote:Also His parents who whispered once more of the family curse, as if their superstitions were a shield against loss. suggests that they are hoping she has been struck by the curse as this isn't the worst thing that could have happened to her, I'm guessing that the curse is the main thrust of the story so I'd have preferred the parents to be praying that she hasn't been struck by the curse.
I was attempting to slip this in both to establish his lack of belief in said curse, and to introduce the idea obliquely. Obviously, I was more heavy handed than I wanted to be as this seemed to draw immediate focus.
quote: He had to find her before something worse happened. I started to feel a little confused at this point. This suggests the MC knows what has happened and yet we still don't, whiffs a bit of witholding information.
OOPS! This is the author knowing more than the MC and the reader. Shame on me.
quote:He whispers a silent vow to himself, “Charity! I will find you.” A slip into present tense there, also, this is just my personal preference, an MC making vows like that to himself seems a touch overdramatic, reminding me of too many cheesy Hollywood movies.
Oops again. You're correct, it must leave.
quote:Her picture safe within his pocket he left the room, already weary with the coming struggle for meaning. I read this sentence three or four times trying to understand it, I'm still not sure I really do.
That's good enough for me, I'll put that on the redo list.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Much appreciated.
posted
Hi WordMerchant, I, too, was hooked by this. I'd be happy to read it when it's finished. I just have something to add to what the other posters said--the last line sort of threw me because it's the first grounding line we had. We're sort of in this no space zone and suddenly we are thrown into a very specific action--he's looking at her picture and he leaves the room. I think it would be gentler on the reader if you introduced the setting earlier--like in the first line, when he's thinking about his sister he could simply be clutching her photo and staring at it.
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posted
I really like what I've read so far--I think all the relevant points have been discussed, go ahead and send the story my way, if you're looking for readers.
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Thanks all. I will be incorporating all these suggestions into this story. I have the opening scene done and the final scene done. Now I just have to complete the journey. When I am ready for readers I will most certainly be in touch.
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When I read this, I immediately discarded the first section and mentally began with the more interesting line "Two weeks of increasing desperation. Two weeks as hope faded from all around him." That line could be better if the two statements matched in style: "Two weeks of increasing desperation. Two weeks of fading hope."
When you start with "Somewhere, his sister was still alive." I, as a reader get a lot of guessed information... I guessed that the main character's sister is missing and is probably presumed dead but the character believes otherwise. I was unsurprised to be correct.
When it begins with someone missing, a loss of hope and delusional parents whispering about a family curse, It's interesting. This section (without the first) makes me pay attention and fish for information. I assume it's the main character's sister missing, because the parents are mentioned, so I don't have to be told.
The last section is confusing. In this section, the motivation is "find her before something worse happens"... worse than just being missing? This is awkward because the conflict is already introduced as "everyone, even her parents, have given up, the main character is her only hope."
Then it's unclear what the main conflict the character will have in attempting to find his sister... Is he too young? Who's going to stop him? Is he disabled? Are there laws against being alone in public? Does he know something about her going missing that he didn't tell to the police because of deep mistrust?
As of now, there is nothing exciting about the thought of him going after her. In fact, you make it very dull by saying that he is already weary. You, as the author, know that he will be weary in his search, so I, as a reader, can guess that he won't find her immediately. That makes me feel weary, which makes me not want to read.
Make him passionate about finding her, not heavy-hearted. Make the motivation clear, and give an interesting conflict for the main character to overcome.
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